Wednesday, February 7, 2007

"Adult" insecurites

As a teenager I worried about my skin. It was horrible-- I was broken out constantly. I worried about my weight, it fluctuated, tipping the scale at 220 at a point. I flirted with anorexia and dropped to 160 in a few months. I was awkward, I was gangly, I wasn't comfortable in my skin.

My skin has cleared up. I dropped SOME of the weight, but I still struggle. That's okay though, I've come to terms with my size for the most part. I do have fat days, I will get depressed sometimes about things not fitting properly.

But for the most part I like who I am. I'm critical, I'm judgemental, but I'm a pretty cool person most of the time. I try to do the right thing but I also know when not to take things personally and when to do my OWN thing.

But right now I'm in this tricky realm. This... boy. I find myself doing foolish things and getting insecure about things I've never even THOUGHT to be insecure about before. For example?

The other day I was very, very ill. To put it bluntly, I was puking everywhere, and shitting as I did that. It was, for the most part, a 24 hour bug. While my stomach has been a bit on edge since, the majority of the sucky-ness passed in about 6 hours.

I had a date with the boy the day after.

I went. We went out to dinner. I was able to hold down some fries. My stomach felt weird but I didn't puke. We went back to his house.

Far be it from me to stop and say, "Gosh, you know.. I haven't felt too well lately, maybe we shouldn't make out." I mean... I KNOW he has school. I KNOW school is very important to him.

But did I give him ANY inkling at all that I was ill?

Of course not. I just went right ahead and swabbed the inside of his mouth with my tounge for pretty much the entire night. It was selfish. It was stupid. I am a bitch.

Because now he has the norovirus & I'm pretty sure he's currently puking everywhere and cursing my very existance.

And this has all made me terribly insecure. Does he REALIZE how selfish I was? Does he think I'm a total bitch? Because I certainly do. I just completely disregarded his health.

I offered to bring over imodium, pepto bismol and ginger ale. He responded with an 'ugh' & signed offline.

I feel terrible.

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