Saturday, December 27, 2008

Christmas: The Good, The Bad, and the Just Plain Weird

I promised a Christmas recap, and here it is!

Disclaimer: I am not a miserable ungrateful bitch, but yes I *am* about to complain about certain Christmas presents. Consider yourself warned.

The Good:

-Good grades! I made the Deans List! I was incredibly excited as I've never in my life managed to get decent grades. I hope I can keep it up.
-The "We Are Happy To Serve You" mug I'd been asking for
-A Northface fleece vest
-A $130 Cashmere sweater
-Tons of art supply stuff including 2 table easels of varying size, brushes, canvases and paints
-Mamma Mia! (I feel like such a typical girl saying this, but words cannot describe how much I love this movie)
-Pajamas
-$60 to buy Ugg boots with. This money will likely go towards bills... money given to me for Christmas generally never gets spent on what it's supposed to.

The Bad:
-Random toiletries. My mother means well and every year fills my stocking with various soaps, scrubs, face masks, shaving cream, toothpaste, etc. that is usually from the dollar store. I tried to stop her from doing that this year by being *very* specific about the things I wanted, but to no avail. I still got a crapload of cheap stuff that I won't use. (I'm very picky about those products.)
-Another scarf, hat and glove set
-Some strange black wrap/shawl thing. If I can figure out exactly how to wear it without looking like an old lady, it may move from the The Bad list.

The Just Plain Weird:
-Fake. HAIR. Not like actual long clip in extensions (which would have been a very good gift), but those weird clumps of hair attached to elastic bands that you wrap around a bun.

This is bad enough, but worse still? She got it in light brown... and my hair is red. (I know I need to get my roots done, but jeez, Ma...)

I'm very happy with The Good, considering donating The Bad to a homeless shelter/soup kitchen (I'm sure they'd be much more appreciative of it), but have no idea what to do with The Just Plain Weird. I emailed the website that sells the hair, but they won't give me a refund-- all they'll do is refund my mother's credit card. I don't want to risk hurting her feelings, but thats what I might end up doing.

Um, that is unless any of you want to buy some weird hair scrunchies?

I was incredibly happy that my stocking was mostly free of candy. In past years, there's been so much damn chocolate in my stocking, which I then wind up eating and being depressed about. I declared a "no candy" rule this year, which was adhered to with the exception of fruit snacks and a Nerds Rope (both were acceptable and welcome).

I splurged this weekend and got a manicure, pedicure and my eyebrows waxed. I'd been neglecting my appearance in that regard for quite some time, and it feels wonderful to be well-maintained again. It's an expense, but I had to reward myself for doing well in my classes. I'm dying my hair tonight... I've reverted back to box dye (Dear economy: You suck! Love, my soon-to-be-fried hair) so this should be an adventure. I haven't tortured my hair in this respect in a few years.

I need to get my bangs trimmed and exchange my cashmere sweater for a smaller size, possibly tomorrow after I pick up a shift at work for a friend.

That's all that's been going on here lately, I've just been working, relaxing, and enjoying my brief vacation from school.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Can I have cookies with extra fortune, please?

That fortune came in my fortune cookie tonight. I hope for once it's right.

Not much is new here... I've spent lots of time lately working, painting, going to the gym and watching The Office with Jay, courtesy of Netflix.

I get my grades back from this semester on Christmas Eve, and I'm dying to see them. I also secured an internship at the college next semester... I'll be working my ass of as usual, but it will hopefully pay off.

Nothing exciting! I'll check back later with my grades and Christmas gift tally. :)

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The 12 Days of Christmas....

Because Jay and I are impatient, sometimes slightly excitable people, we decided to break from the "normal" Christmas tradition that is held by most people (that is, opening gifts on Christmas Day) and instead, we're giving each other one gift a day. This so far is working out very well, and I think in the long run it will make us appreciate each gift more, rather then getting overwhelmed with lots of new stuff all on Christmas Day!

To date, I've given him this nifty little Static Electricity Eliminator, (since he is ALWAYS getting shocked. It was by far the coolest thing I've ever seen, and useful.), and a "gamer" iron-on patch. Tomorrow he's getting a Ninja Tips For Healthy Living Poster that he was ogling at the store today.

He's given me a pink cushy case for my cell phone, a new power cord for my laptop (it's technically his old cord, but he doesn't use it and it is SO AMAZING to be back on my laptop again!) and today, a new nose ring. It's 14 k gold and I'm PRETTY sure there's a real diamond in it. (The front of the package says "diamond" and the back says .0225 CT. Any jewelers out there familiar with that terminology?) Either way, it's cute and it's in my nose :D

Had a pretty good day today... it started with coffee and muffins (I need to remember how good it feels just to get out of the house early in the morning when I'm NOT going to work. Lack of money leaves me cooped up during the weekends and even something as simple as walking to get coffee in the early morning sunlight can make me appreciative of a day off), included some wandering around Northampton (in the freezing cold, unfortunately) and awesome Mexican food. Sold back some DVDs and VHS tapes at Turn It Up! and made almost $40, which was supposed to assist in my monthly car payment but instead went mostly to Christmas presents and food.

Came home and there was an Elle magazine waiting for me in my mailbox... I had won a free subscription MONTHS ago and it seemed like it was never going to come, but finally it is here!

Tomorrow I need to finish up some studying for my Mass Communication and Audio Production finals, and hopefully get some sewing done. After Monday, I am finished with this semester! Huzzah!

All for now.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Pipe Dreams

When I was much younger, I wanted to be an actress. I used to memorize films and act them out with friends, and as soon as my middle school offered an "Improv Workshop", I jumped at the chance to take it. I made my parents fork over big bucks (and I mean BIG, somewhere along the lines of $60 a class, money that didn't come easily for my family!) for Musical Theater Workshop classes and Summerstage classes at a little studio near my house.

But I was always an extra. The big roles always went to the same kids. I had a few lines at best-- sometimes my character didn't even have a first name.

I gave up my dream my freshman year of high school, after being cast as yet another unnamed extra in the play "Anything Goes". I had had enough.

I quit drama and only looked back bitterly from then on, until in 2001 when I moved to a small town and met a girl who insisted I join drama.

I did, earning *slightly* bigger parts, but still background roles-- a pirate in Peter Pan, the Police Lieutenant in Arsenic & Old Lace.

I gave up after that, again, until one of my requirements for college this year was Acting 1. I took it, and it was interesting, but I didn't do much else other then have fun with it. I didn't give it too much thought. Today was my last class, and we did a final scene.

At the end of class, one of my classmates came up to me and told me he wished he had a brain like mine when it came to memorization. I argued that I had tacked the last half page of my script onto the wall of the stage so I could read it. He told me earnestly that he expected to see me in Hollywood one day.

That one sentence set me back about 10 years.

I realized, after he said that, my classmates had essentially been telling me this all year. The word they most often used was "a natural".

...me? A natural? For real? Clearly, they had nothing to gain from saying things like this, so I have to assume they weren't pulling my chain.

I spent the entire drive home today contemplating Hollywood. Could I make it there? Is the dream of stardom one I shouldn't have abandoned so easily? Is there a chance for me out there?

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I've run into an interesting predicament this holiday season that I can only describe as 'independence and recession guilt'. I'm sure a lot of you are feeling it too.

In the past, this is how I've regarded Christmas: I work hard for everything I get during the year, & I'm able to get mostly everything that I need. Christmas is the time I should get that one thing that I really WANT, but can't afford.

Now, this didn't ever mean anything extravagant, like a Lexus or beach house or what-have-you. Two years ago it was an iPod, last year it was an iPod stereo system. Nice things that are JUST beyond my price range, but that my family could afford to get me.

This year, I don't know what to ask for. There are things I want, of course, but they're completely beyond the usual price range (the big "want" being a Macbook Pro. I get a slight student discount off it, but it would still be just under $2,000).

Generally, my mother will give me little practical things (there are razors, chapstick and cigarettes in my stocking every year without fail) and maybe a gift card or some cash, since she knows I'm in a bad way financially and does what she can to help. The buying of the "big gift" has always been left up to my stepfather. My mother always acts like she's mad at him for spending so much money (she sets a $25 limit) but really she's not.

This year, I felt guilty asking for a Macbook. And a Roxy Schwinn. And a pair of Ugg boots. And a Northface Vest. And a argyle sweater.

So instead, I did some online scrounging and was able to find a Northface vest for under $50, and an argyle sweater for about $20. I suggested a pair of Ugg knock offs, provided that they had a rubber sole. (I have $12 Wal-Mart knockoffs now, and while they're perfect and comfortable, the sole is literally made of cardboard and fuzzy stuff, and the fuzzy stuff wore off on the first day. They are NOT going to keep me standing upright in the ice, and that's my only concern.)

It will be a surprise to open presents on Christmas, especially considering my stepfather doesn't like to shop online, and I sent him a ton of online links.

fragments

Did some Christmas shopping with my mom today... came home and hung up stockings and set up the tree I borrowed from a friend. It was looking a little bare (times are hard. I only bought one box of 18 ornaments and kinda hoped that would be enough... it was not) so Jay started adding little household items to the tree.

It's now covered in yarn (strung around it like garland), keychains, name tags, bracelets and a large pen that's shaped like a flower. I thought it was silly at first, but it looks better this way... it's more personalized. I think I'll keep it like this.

Watched Chocolat while drinking hot chocolate (lets face it-- you HAVE to have something chocolate while watching that movie!) and now I'm craving chocolate with chili peppers.

Have a lot of homework to finish up before the semester wraps next week. I'm looking forward to having a bit of time off, selling my textbooks for cash and getting my grades... I think I've done pretty well this semester.

I leave you with this random strange thought:

I was reading the back of the plastic bag the toilet paper comes in the other day, and I noticed they were advertising "Cottonelle for Kids" toilet paper. Immediately, I find myself wondering what's different about "kids" toilet paper. The bag doesn't want to let me wonder, so it says, "Helps kids know how much toliet paper to use!"

...excuse me?

Is there a little mark on the toliet paper that suggests 3 sheets for pee, 4 sheets for poop, and 6 sheets for a particularly messy poop? HOW DOES MY TOLIET PAPER CONFIRM THIS INFORMATION?

I went to the website for clarification. Lucky for me, I was not the first wonder-er.

From the FAQ:

I don't understand how this shows children how much toilet paper to use.
Each segment of paw-prints and Puppy is roughly 5 sheets long. Starting with a first paw print, the child should be instructed to follow the paw prints to the Puppy and then tear at the Puppy. This will provide roughly 5 sheets of toilet paper, an average amount for one wipe. A new segment of toilet paper should be taken for each subsequent wipe.

So, there you go everyone. Just in case you ever wondered how much toliet paper you SHOULD be using, 5 sheets is the 'average'.

(I want to know how they determined the average, however. Was this the average amount used by people around Cottonelle offices? Were Americans actually polled? Is there a camera pointed at my toliet paper roll?)

I'm going to go to sleep before I sound any more shizophrenic.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

New Years Resolutions:

It's that time of year where everyone is trying to figure out what exactly it was they promised they'd do differently this year and most likely failed at.

I'm not generally the type of person who makes New Years Resolutions. Mostly because A) Most resolutions are broken within the first month, and B) Why wait til New Years to change something that needs changing?

For the past 5 or so years, my "New Years Resolution" has been "not to make a resolution".

This year, New Years just happens to coincide with my brain going, "Hey! There's a lot about me that I'm not currently happy with." So I guess, this time, you win, Resolution. I will make you this year. A short list of things that need fixin'...

1) Skin problems. I've probably never mentioned it here because it's something I find highly embarrassing, but I have some kind of weird skin problem that drives me absolutely mad. I can't wear black (or any dark, solid colors, really) without looking like I have massive amounts of dandruff. Only it's NOT dandruff. Before I started Cosmetology school back in 2003, I went to a dermatologist for it and the products they gave me were able to clear up about half of it (I had it on my face at the time as well) but they did nothing for the biggest problem area-- the back of my neck, under my hair. I've literally tried every product on the market, and probably half of the products in the pharmacy.

The other day, I was finally able to make an appointment for mid-January with a highly recommended dermatologist in my area (after being told for over two years that they weren't accepting new patients!). So I hope that soon this will be a thing of the past!

2) Weight. Or, more specifically, spare tire. My thighs used to be what drove me nuts, but not anymore. I get a small discount off a gym membership through my job, and I decided that if I passed my National Certification Exam (which I did) my present to myself would be a gym membership. However, with the economy being what it is, and my BILLS being as massive as they are, this has not been something I could do as immediately as I had hoped. I still plan on doing it, though.

2b) Eating better. I've already kind of started this one (I had a bowl of oatmeal and two salads yesterday), the trick is just keeping it up.

3) Smoking. The problem here is that I don't really WANT to stop, but I know that I should. I was jumping on the bed with Jay the other day (and no, that's not a euphemism, we were actually jumping on the bed) and I was winded after not even a minute. Smoking will also impede my exercise regimen once I start it. So, I guess I'm not going to say that I should QUIT smoking, but I'm going to try to cut way down.

Everything else, I think is going according to plan. I'm working hard in school (taking 5 classes next semester, and hopefully I can take some over the summer. With a little luck, I'll graduate soon, and once that happens I will find myself with an entirely new set of resolutions AND decisions!)

What do you think? After finishing a 2- year college, what should I do? Look for a new job that better utilizes my skills, or move on to a four year college? What did you choose to do? Do you feel you've made the right decision?

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Hmm.

I really want to go to the store and get some Mister Bubble.
My upper back in the general area of my shoulders has been hurting today, and I need to take a hot bath to relax my muscles but... I don't have any bath bombs. I feel remarkably silly that this is delaying me from a therapeutic bath, but I feel even sillier asking my boyfriend for a few dollars so I can buy Mister Bubble. I dislike borrowing money at all, and I feel that bubble bath is on the ridiculously frivolous side, which makes it even worse.

I know a good credit score is important and all, but, sheesh. I paid all my bills that were due on or immediately around December 1st, and it left me with 8 dollars to my name until next Friday. My next paycheck gets signed (in its entirety, I believe) over to my landlord.

Making ends meet sure isn't easy.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Moving forward...

Thanksgiving was pretty good here... Jay and I went to my parents. My insane but adorable mother has apparently recently become addicted to Food Network, and our Thanksgiving feast was proof of that. Normally, she'll stick to the basics-- turkey, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce... but this year included about 10 different varieties of stuffing (including "pizza stuffing", which was pepperoni, onions and mozzarella cheese, and "stuffin muffins" which were made in muffin pans), 5 different kinds of sweet potatoes and 5 different kinds of squash. It was sort of a Thanksgiving sampler... we were instructed to try each one and report back about which were our favorites.

We took home lots of leftovers, which have already quickly dwindled.

I spent most of Black Friday (which felt like a Sunday-- my body was definitely angry!) at work. Luckily the sales at retail pharmacies aren't worth getting there at 9 PM the day before and trampling someone for, so things were relatively slow.

I left at five when my darling LaVonna showed up (definite best part of Thanksgiving--friends you usually wouldn't get to see are in town!) and then her, Jay and I braved Wal-Mart to see about getting me a sewing machine. I had done my homework (did you know there are website that show you stores Black Friday flyers way before the actual shopping date? It was a lifesaver) and walked out of Wal-Mart about $70 poorer, but holding (...okay, it was heavy... Jay was holding it) a shiny new sewing machine and grinning from ear to ear.

I've already sewn two new bags (a recycled t-shirt bag from one of my favorite old shirts, and a cute little clutch purse), I just need to pick up some finishing touches (buttons and a strap) and they'll be ready to sell! I hope someone will give my tshirt bag a good home, we've had good times together. It will be hard to part with!

Tonight I'm heading out for a friends birthday dinner, and then Danielle is coming up from Boston...

I wish weekends were longer!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Personal vs. Private

I have a severe problem keeping personal things private. It's in my nature to share pretty much everything, no matter how dark or sad or embarrassing. If it's difficult for me to say outloud, I write about it.

It's sometimes hard to respect others boundaries when things involve me. I blabbed about my first lesbian/threesome experience over dinner with friends, never thinking 'hey, maybe that should be kept private...' For some reason my mind just doesn't work like that. I have no privacy filter.

The most I can say right now, I suppose, is that I'm very confused. I want to write about this just to get it off my chest, but I don't want those who know me asking me, "So what was that latest blog about?", or speculating behind my back.

What's important is that I'm okay, but I'm still just... confused. I wish it wasn't hard for people to be honest with me, out of fear of hurting my feelings-- but I also don't want my feelings constantly hurt. I say I can take the truth, but who really knows how much they can handle until it's thrust upon them?

This has been another episode of cryptic moments with Alison.

Please join us next time.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Today's thoughts.

1. Jesus, those cars parked on either side of my parking space get closer and closer to me every day. I swear, there's a video camera mounted somewhere & viewers getting a kick of me squeezing my size 14 ass out of a car door that's only open 2 inches.

2. Big Macs. 3 pieces of bread? What the hell for? For additional pondering, see club sandwiches.

3. No matter WHAT computer I chose to sit at in the college computer lab, there is never a printer hooked up to it. No one else in my class seems to have EVER had this problem. At first, I thought I was becoming computer illiterate in my old age-- but today I realized that every computer I sit at is for some reason REALLY 'missing' a printer. So it's not me. (This time.)

4. I sent my boyfriend a cute email today from said computer lab, even though I live with him and I know he only checks his email about once every six months. It'll be a nice surprise when he finally goes to look, right? (He's probably going to read this before he checks his mail, so the secret is out. )

5. I NEED to find a Geocache before the ground freezes. I meant to do it all Summer, now that I finally have a GPS, but I keep putting it off!

6. If there is a mirror in it and I'm having a good hair/makeup day, I cannot keep my eyes off myself. Hurray, narcissism.

7. I've always said, "I'm a raging bitch in my head". Lately some of my bitchiness is leaking out of my mouth. Oops.

I suppose that's all for now!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Is anyone elses life like this?

I have nothing against people who are religious. I have nothing against people who are political.

That said, I DO have something against people who insist that their beliefs and opinions are the only viable option. Converters, if you will.

But my neighbor is currently out in the hallway directly outside my door, talking in a very loud tone to a young girl who seems entirely disinterested (I've only heard her say 3 words in the past half hour), in a very converting sort of way, about his religion and politics.

I really, really just want to go into the hallway and ask him... no, TELL him, to lead his sermons in his apartment, not the hallway.

...except I crashed my car into his living room a few months ago and he was nice enough NOT to sue me, and I don't really want to piss him off.


I miss being the ballsy chick who didn't care about repercussions.


EDIT: He was still there two hours later. So I put in a porno and turned it up pretty loud (not that you have to in this apartment, you can hear everything!). Worked like a charm ;) He was back in his apartment in under 5 minutes.

Friday, November 21, 2008

addiction.

she desperately searches the ashtray for a half-finished cigarette
but they're all smoked down to nubs and offer her not even a puff

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Disgusting, or good?

Tonight I came home and decided to try to be creative with the contents of my fridge.

I mixed together a block of frozen spinach, a whole avocado, some diced onion, and ranch dressing.

I was going for a kind of healthy spinach and avocado dip... it's interesting, but the proportions are all wrong. There's way too much spinach and not enough avocado, and the avocado that IS in there isn't anywhere near ripe enough... it's just kind of chunking rather then mushing and mixing around.

I'm also not sure I'd go with ranch dressing next time. I was shooting for a soy-ish base, but didn't really have much else to experiment with. Maybe sour cream next time?

Eh. I'm not being on cooking... or spinach, apparently.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be eating avocado and onions on crackers. Be warned not to make out with me.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Bugger.

I somehow managed to spend my entire paycheck already (honestly, all I did was buy snack food at work, soap & deodorant, McDonald's, and rented two movies) so now I'm stuck inside all weekend long.


This kinda sucks as I wanted to venture out and find a new craft store, maybe buy some new supplies and start some new project.

Alas, I under house arrest.

I intend to make the most of this situation with never-ending cups of tea, a bath, Nag Champa incense, some music, and painting.


Ps: Jay & I went to a free comedy show last night at my college and it was fantastic. Why don't more amazing free things happen around here? I would love to have more like that to do. I'd give my left tit for an Open Mic Night or even some free live music.

EDIT: As it turns out, on 11-17 there WAS an Open Mic night at my school. Unfortunately I was stuck in class throughout the entire thing. Boo, world.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Yay, day off.

My theater teacher gave us the day off today (sort of... he expected us to meet up outside of class even though he wasn't going to be around... um, sorry. No.) and instead of spending it going over my final scene (which I will have to perform by the end of this semester and have nowhere near memorized), I spent the night finishing up my Etsy.com shop.


Weee.

So, check it out!

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5082406

It's not pretty or sparkly, but I'm new at this. Hopefully there will be enough interest in my items to keep me properly motivated.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Word association

When I was a little kid, I used to be completely terrified of fat people who mentioned that they felt nauseous.

I don't know where this originated, but I seem to remember it having something to do with the term "fat cow". It stood to reason if cows had six stomachs, "fat cows" must have six stomachs as well.

And WHO wants to be anywhere near 6 times the normal amount of vomit?


Now, personally, I'm not exactly skinny. I wouldn't necessarily consider myself a "fat cow", but what if I look like a fat cow to some random five year old?


Should I be more careful about verbalizing when I feel nauseous?

Are there kids out there who have looked at me and thought, "Good Lord, I hope that lady doesn't puke on me!"

(I never said that I had normal, rational thought patterns...)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Down with up...

I've had a very down day today.

To think about it, actually, it's been a very down couple of weeks.

Today hit danger levels, though. It's very frustrating to be an in-debt 24 year old, living on a VERY minimum income, working ones ass off and going to school as well. There's never any time for anything, and if one was to find time, there would never been any money.

I said this more succinctly earlier: I feel like I am doing the wrong things in life, living in the wrong place, and surrounding myself with the wrong people.

Unfortunately I also feel very helpless about how to change all this. I've never been good at making friends, speaking my mind, or making important decisions.

My mother, on one hand, has subscribed to a certain way of thinking. All of her life she has told me, "Bloom where you are planted." This mentality is evident in her life, although she is in denial as to the (negative) situation she's in. She has taken the scenario that she has been dealt and simply learned to deal with it.

I can't be that way.

It's ridiculous to take your short time on life and use it to mold yourself into a predetermined situation that you might not enjoy.

She wouldn't understand this-- she'd call it the wanderlust, blame my father for instilling it in me.

I can't just keep on living an unsatisfactory life. Something must be done, but I'm not sure what.

Things are not the same here as they were even a month ago. They're much darker. Something in me has changed.

Really, I'm not even sure how to explain this to anyone.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Back to the grind...

I'm home from D.C (and more then a little exhausted) but it was a fun trip and definitely worth it. I bonded a bit with some of my classmates and teachers, too, (read: went out drinking with teachers!) and as a result just feel better about the school in general. I'm feeling a little less judged in class and a little more outgoing. A pretty positive thing.

I spent WAY too much money in Sephora (we don't have any here! I had to!), way too LITTLE money on food (I packed enough food that I had some left over, but I did stop for lunch on the way back to CT) and way too much time in the Holocaust museum (It's four floors-- I spent the ENTIRE allotted 5 hours there.)

We did a nighttime trip to all the major monuments (pictures forthcoming), but unfortunately I didn't get to eat at the Java Green Cafe or visit The Smithsonian wing that I wanted to (it was closed for renovations, because the world is decidedly against me). So, I'll have to go back sometime.


Oh, and I also managed to get rid of a clingy crazy granny who was in our hotel room. But that's a story for a different day...

But I leave you with a question of ethics and morals: Is it wrong to stretch out in a hotel bed and leave a crazy 80 year old to sleep in a hotel room chair?

...because it sure didn't feel wrong.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Still here...

Evil butt-turkey has not wreaked havoc on me or my digestive system, thank god.

Had an interesting but low-key Halloween. Played my first RPG game. I think this marks the first year I've worn two different costumes in the same day. (Neither of them were that special. In one of them, I found out later, you could see my underwear COMPLETELY.)

I've got to pack and stay up all night now, in preparation for my D.C trip. I figure I'll just do my sleeping on the 8 hour bus ride. Yeechh.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Um...

So, the other day in an effort to save money, I bought what essentially are deli meat "remnants". The same way you'd buy that little bit of cloth that's left over at a craft store at a discount price, likewise, they sell the butt-ends of deli meats and cheeses at the supermarket.

Needless to say, after I nom-nomed my way through an entire sandwich made with the buttend, something occurred to me....



... I was eating CASING, wasn't I?

...was it made of... plastic??

Have I just stupidly ingested a sandwich full of plastic? After trying so hard to eat mostly-organic? PLASTIC?

I was able to chew through it mostly okay-- it was a little tough in places, so I'm clinging on to that as a shred of hope that it was actually just... cooked? And not.. plastic.


A Google search has, for once, turned up fruitless. I can't even find a picture resembling what it is I ate. It was a darker brown then the inside turkey, and had lines cut into it like it had once been contained inside a jumbo cheese cloth.

If I need my stomach pumped tomorrow and find myself unable to explain what I ate, I hope someone has the foresight to read my journal.

-gulp-

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Does the world even know it's on fire?

I've taken up painting.

Okay, so really, I've been painting for a grand total of 2 days. But I'm having fun with it, even though I'm clearly no Picasso.

I have absolutely no idea what I'll do with my finished works. They aren't good enough to sell, and I'm not sure I want 'practice-stage' paintings on the walls. But we'll see, I suppose.

I'm also really angry about the trip to D.C this weekend-- we were told originally that we'd have a day to hang out on our own and see the sights, but now it seems like the entire two days are completely micromanaged for us. That, and the American History wing of the Smithsonian (where I desperately wanted to go-- Mister Roger's sweater is on display there!) is CLOSED for renovations and will reopen a grand total of NINETEEN DAYS after I depart.

I swear, if there's a God, he has a fucking sense of humor and he's LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF at my misfortune.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Random Thoughts:

-9 times out of 10, when I add a girl from my past on facebook (be it a friend, classmate, old co-worker, or simply an acquaintance) the story is the same. She's usually a single mom or married (it seems the most popular girls in high school are now the single mothers... funny how that works), much fatter then in the past (I LOVE it when that happens), or simply stuck with a guy who seems nowhere NEAR good enough for them.

A good year or so ago, I had a conversation like this with a close friend. Do women of a certain age just... give up? Think nothing better is coming along, and settle for whatever will have them? And if that IS true, is there something wrong with settling? I thought so, she thought not.

-It seems that only the people who KNOW death could come at any moment get tattoos that show. People who are, or have been, seriously ill. I find myself wondering if I really should be throwing caution to the wind and continuously planning on tattoos that I can easily cover. I'd really love an sleeve, or even a chest tattoo. I feel that a large tattoo suits my personality in a lot of ways. I'd hate to have regrets on either side of the spectrum, however. I'll think on that some more.

-I'm thinking of ways I can enjoy life more, so it won't seem so entirely wasted if it is cut short. It's hard to do with a limited budget, really. I feel that 'live each day like it's your last' is really something only possible for the independently wealthy. Which is rather unfortunate.

-I feel very stuck where I am lately. It's not the time or place to do anything about it, but nothing about my job or living situation seems to fit with my personality. It's hard to explain and will possibly be even harder to fix. It's harder still to realize I'm not exactly sure if there is a place that really does "fit" me, because I'm not certain I've found it yet. There are too many options, and I often find myself scared to step off of the steady ground beneath my feet.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Why you won't find me in a casket in a Catholic church...

(Okay, actually, to be honest, I don't know where it's considered "okay" hold funerals. I'm assuming that I'm really SOL if I want to shy away from a traditional church as the site of the actual service, but I'll return to this in a bit...)


My friend Nick's services were this weekend. I'd never actually been to a funeral before, and this one was a unique and interesting experience for many different reasons. Nick had been very sick for a long time, and as a result, this service was highly personalized. The priest cracked jokes, his friends gave speeches and sang songs, and the service was followed up by a pipe-organ version of "The Entertainer" (something I'm certain Nick must have chosen, knowing it would make us all laugh).

So of course, this all made me consider my own passing. I write long entries and speculate for hours about what my wedding and bachelorette party will look like, and even what my perfect job will entail...

...but what if it doesn't work out like that?

It's entirely possible that someone could one day be reading this blog, thinking how sad it is that all my dreams had gone unrealized.

And it's also entirely possible that my friends could one day be stuffed into a church thinking, "Alison wouldn't have wanted a ceremony like this."

In all honesty, I've never given much thought to my own death. My mother has always believed 'not to tempt fate', so topics like death and illness are often under-discussed in my family. I like to be prepared for the worst case scenario, however, so it's likely something I should begin thinking about.

I've only briefly touched on the subject lately, but I've been able to come up with the following:

-Slideshows and music videos. I would love for them to be playing everywhere. I try to document as much of my own life photographically as I can, and it would be nice to have something like that to watch.

-Lots of music-- and definitely not "Amazing Grace".

-Personalized speeches from friends

I'm toying with the idea of holding a funeral as one of Dean Martin's comedy roasts. That would be kind of awesome, but I'm sure the majority of my family would find it in poor taste and it would cause problems.

I also don't get all this "don't be sad, they wouldn't have wanted us to be sad" business. I'll tell you one thing, when I die I want all kinds of ex-boyfriends and unrequited lovers throwing themselves, sobbing, upon my casket. I suppose this says a lot about me as a person...

I'll return to this later, hopefully with better formulated ideas.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Traveling...

I'll be in Washington D.C for 2 days in the beginning of November... I've never been there before, and would like to cram in as much sightseeing as possible. Does anyone have any recommendations of things I should be sure to see while I'm in town? I'm definitely going to the Holocaust Museum, and I want to go to the Smithsonian as well.

I'd also like to spend as little as possible.

EDIT:

I am also trying to create a worst-case-scenario survival kit seeing as A) the last time I went on a roadtrip, everything possible went wrong and B) I'm going to be SUPER far away from home and I'll be either alone or surrounded by total strangers constantly.

Feel free to suggest things for my survival kit, no matter how silly they may seem.

I'm already bringing:

-Contacts, case & solution (in case I rip one)
-Glasses (in case I rip a contact and somehow fuck up my eye)
-Cipro (because I have a habit of not drinking enough water on trips... girls you know what I mean!)
-Ear plugs (in case I'm in a room with loud bitches or bitches that snore)
-Headphones/iPod (for the bus trip to and from)


What else?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Something good....

It's hard to take anything positive away from the death of a friend, but I'm trying to.


I went back to Rocky Horror today and had a good time. Most of the people I used to know are no longer around, but I was greeted with open arms by the ones who *are* still there, and it was nice.

I'll be rejoining the cast in the future... so now I'm off to search for costume pieces. It's been awhile.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Submission.

When faced with the opportunity to stand up for myself in the coming weeks...

... the best thing I can do is just keep my mouth shut.



Cryptic, yes. It will have to stay that way for now.

This quite possibly might be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Backtracking?

Nick's death has brought on a huge period of reflection for myself and others. Mostly, we seem to be realizing how much we've missed out on for whatever reason-- personally, I shut the entire Rocky Horror cast out of my life back in... well... 2004... ish? It's been so long that the years are foggy to me. I performed with this people every Saturday night for YEARS, and then just... bailed.

I had every reason and every right to react the way I did. As I've written before, there had been some major unpleasantness between myself and some cast members that, even when the offending members were removed, still hovered over me like a dark cloud. There were whispers, there were rumors. So-and-so had called me a slut and said I had asked for it. What's-her-name thought I was a liar and clearly a bad influence on her daughter. It got to be way too much, not knowing who I could trust.

But now all I can think of is how much I missed out on. I remember nights after the show I'd smile at a stage full of half-dressed, exhausted actors and crew members and be able to say nothing more then "I love you, guys." and really, really mean it.

I should have come back sooner. I should have come back while Nick was still around. But my insecurities got the better of me, and I never could summon the courage.

I've missed out on so many fun times, and so much I could have been sharing.

So what, people talked shit about me? So what, they all got the wrong idea? It's simply that-- THE WRONG IDEA. I shouldn't have let it all drive me as far away as I did... but I couldn't help it at the time. I punished myself and several innocent parties for the words of only a select few.

it's terrible that it took a death to convince me of this.


I'm seriously considering returning to the cast now. I've been invited back by two separate cast members. I'm going to the show this weekend to sort of get a feel for the general atmosphere... just to see if it's something I'll be able to handle again. I'll make a concrete decision after that.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

R.I.P Nick


Last night at 9:10 Nicholas Ross Francis, surrounded by a roomful of friends and family, passed away after a life-long battle with Cystic Fibrosis.

He was 26 years old.

He didn't deserve this.

Nick, we love you and will never ever forget you.

(March 15, 1982- October 11, 2008)

Saturday, October 11, 2008

*sigh*

Today I told Jay my flood dream.

He told me (of course) that I didn't have to worry about anything like that happening (which I know, even if my subconscious does not!)

but he also told me that sometimes I make him so mad that he can't see himself with me in a year.

I guess that's how everyone has always felt about me, but no one has ever been honest about it.



I don't know why. I've always thought I was a pretty good girlfriend.

I am angry.

I went to bed angry, I woke up in the middle of the night angry, I woke up in the morning angry.

It just seems to me the harder I reach for someone the more I get pushed away. I more I crave affection the more I get ignored. Oh and hey-- to any guys reading this? Sex and Affection are not the same thing, okay? It is possible to combine the two, but in my experiences it is also very rare.

I don't really understand. Some days are great, and then others I just don't get it.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Nightmares, nightmares, nightmares.

I didn't have a SINGLE nice dream last night-- I woke up crying from at least 3 different nightmares that I can recall right now.


1. My mother tore down the giant collage that I'm currently working on. It's on the back of the door of Jay & my apartment, and in the dream I think my mom was throwing me some sort of a party and decided the half-finished collage looked "trashy" (or some similar word) and threw it all away. When I noticed it was gone, I was frantic... tearing through trash bags but I couldn't find any of the pieces.

(In real life, my mother did something quite similar to this. My bedroom door at HER house had been covered in permanent marker-- notes from friends, poetry, quotations, drawings. She warned me she was going to paint over it when I moved out. I had told her that was fine, but to make sure I had taken pictures of it first. She painted over it before I had gotten a chance to. I was LIVID.)

2. Someone, I don't know who, had snipped the hair and ripped the HEAD off of my favorite childhood stuffed animal. They were taunting me with it and laughing-- I was crying and they couldn't understand what the big deal was. That bear had belonged to me since before I was born, and it had starred in "radio shows" and books that I had written about it at the ages of 5-7. I was devastated.

3. This was the last dream I had before waking, so I remember it the most vividly. I was with a whole bunch of people at some major theme park in an unfamiliar town. The only people I can say for SURE were there are my mother and Jay, but there was a general sense of friendship extended to the other people I was with, even though I didn't recognize them.

We're in a line to go into a building to get food, and the whole place is just outrageously busy. It was a fairly bright, sunny day, but then I look off to the distance and I notice that the sky is BLACK. Someone near me points to another direction and says "Wow, look how dark it's getting. It's going to rain." but her side of the sky is nowhere near as black as my side.

Suddenly the rest of the sky starts turning black in sections, like someone is shutting off big overhead lights, *pop* Pop* pop*. People are starting to panic and rush. There are two different restaurants inside the building, along with a bunch of shops. Jay and I want McDonald's, which is upstairs, and my mother and a bunch of others are waiting to get into the Chinese food place downstairs. We split up so we'll be done more quickly. A woman in our group says she's going to go pull the car around, and she dissapears in the direction of the parking lot.

There's a period that gets a little blurry here-- basically, the sky just opened up and poured and poured for days. No one on the bottom floor (including my mother, who, just in case anyone was wondering, is the singular most important person to me in the world) survived. Most of the nearby buildings were demolished, as well. After a week or so, a woman on the second floor convinced me to come with her and survey some of the damage. Some of the area was still flooded, but we were able to take a cab and then later walk to different neighborhoods.

At some point on this journey, the woman lost her mind. The grief was just too much for her-- her house, her whole family was gone. She began starting to see them in places they were not, and she refused to return with me to our shelter. I went on without her. It's actually a much more difficult journey back-- landmarks are gone, buildings are destroyed. I get very lost, and feel very unsafe.

When I returned to our shelter, despite the bleakness of bodies floating in the streets outside, things were on the up and up inside. When I entered the front door, I was greeted by a receptionist (?!) and I immediately yelled at her, "JAY. Where's JAY?!" She directed me up the stairs where I found him in a back room, setting up some kind of equipment. Now, what you have to realize is that everyone else I know in the entire world is dead, and I've just had a very difficult journey back. I am OVERJOYED to see him-- but that's not the same vibe I'm getting from him. He's nervous. He didn't really expect me to come back.

A tall, skinny, bubbly blonde bounces over to us. "I'm leaving now, Jay!" she declares, blowing him a kiss. "I'll call you later."

He explains that a week is a long time. He thought I was dead.

I woke up and couldn't stop crying.


----------


I don't know what any of this means, but I hope to God it isn't any kind of foreshadowing. I've really had enough problems in my life already.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Ugh.

It's eleven o'clock at night. I've worked and gone to school, and now I'm staring at a blank computer screen.


I'm just waiting for something interesting to happen, but it's not going to.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I hate when people in higher ranked positions then I cannot do their jobs.

About a week ago, my inbox was graced by a newsletter sent out of my community college.

Actually, now that I think of it, there were two of them. The first looked *exactly* like spam, but for some reason I opened it anyway. When I discovered it was from my college, I sent the author an email suggesting they add the college's abbreviation to the subject heading to prevent deletion.

Later, I received the second newsletter. Other then a few misspellings (because spell check must just be too hard to use), it was a decent newsletter and had some important information in it. I copied down some of the dates.

Two days later, a correction was sent out: they had completely messed up the date for early registration, it was in November, not October. Okay. ::fixes calendar::

A day after that, there was another correction. Transfer day wasn't actually this week, it is 2 weeks from now. Alright. ::fixes calendar::

This morning, I woke up to an email that read "[This newsletter] sent by [author] has been recalled."

The ENTIRE newsletter. They recalled the entire thing.

How hard is it to fact-check an email before sending it out to the ENTIRE campus?

The part that infuriates me the most is that this woman is the Executive Assistant to the college PRESIDENT. I'm willing to bet she gets paid much more then I do.

I can forgive a few mistakes... but, sheesh.

Clustermap.

Every day I investigate my clustermap to see that more people that I don't actually know are reading this.

(Yes, for some reason, my readers extend beyond my closest friends and my mom!)
(uh.. I hope my mom doesn't actually read any of this...)

All I have to say is... psst! You people over there in Italy reading my blog! What are you DOING? If I was in Italy I sure as hell wouldn't be reading blogs!

I guess it's all relative.

-----


I have been poring over the new IKEA catalog lately. I'm completely in love. Every time I pick up an IKEA catalog I wish I could move to a big blank house and just... paint and decorate and create from the floor up.

Financially, of course, this will all have to wait.

For now, the boyfriend needs a new dresser, and I think there's a bedside table and some hanging organizers I'd like to take a look at...

(This post has been brought to you by todays secret word: BORING!)

And with that, I'm off to bed.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Sad.

An old friend of mine is dying.

I haven't seen him in months-- he was part of an old group of friends who mostly stabbed me in the back a long time ago. He wasn't at fault, but he was very close with many of the offending parties. In the long run, it was easier for me to cut ties then to deal with the bullshit.

He'd always been sick, and we all knew that. We visited him in the hospital often and tried to stay optimistic.

I last ran into him at a late night showing of Labyrinth. I was dressed as David Bowie. He was wheeling around an oxygen tank.

(He's 26 years old, by the way.)

Now he's on a feeding tube, bedridden, pumped full of pain meds, and the Doctors are saying it's 'just a matter of time'.

I don't know what to do. I had tried to reach out to him in the past... he had a standing invitation to karaoke but he never showed up for it. I sent him emails trying to catch up (we used to have Zombie Movie Nights at his house... I mentioned missing them & wanting to get together for them again ). He never responded.

I don't know if it was because he didn't want to, or maybe he was just too sick to. Or maybe he was embarrassed about being sick?

I have been crying on and off about this all day. Just because we knew this was coming didn't make things any easier. I don't know what I should do. I want to visit him, but at the same time I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I don't know if he was ignoring me on purpose, or even if he's coherent.

I'm so sad that everything had to work out this way.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Celebration!!!

I just got the results back from the Pharmacy National Certification Exam I took the other day...


...I PASSED!!!


There will be much celebrating this weekend!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

My adventures with "Dirty Ebay"


Did you all know that there actually exists an "adult" version of our beloved eBay?

I hadn't known until a year or two ago, when I somehow stumbled on it completely by accident. There were tons of auctions, so I searched around for a little while looking for anything unusual that my local porn store might not have carried. And I found it.

"It" was made of cheap plastic, colored either pink, blue or white, and called simply "The clit-sucker". I couldn't understand why my porn store wouldn't stock anything like this (we all know vibrators with tongues SOUND like a good idea but come up short.) and I jumped at the chance to order one. It was fairly cheap, about $10. I paid immediately and waited for it to arrive.

This first one I received was broken, but after I informed the eBayer, he sent out a new one that reached me the next day. I thought it was odd that these packages had no cardboard insert (you know, the one with the half naked women on it that *usually* accompany any sex toy?) but I figured maybe he didn't want to get sued for reselling some other companies product... or, something.

Okay, no, I didn't really give it that much thought. I was presented with a piece of plastic that I was told was going to suck my clit. I wasn't exactly thinking clearly.

I rushed to try it out, but wound up pretty dissapointed. There was a definite suction, that I have to admit was scary to watch at first-- but beyond that, it didn't really feel all that great. It was cast into my Sex Bag, where it stayed, lonely, for years.

----

About 6 months ago, I was investigating a local dollar store with my boyfriend, and found myself in the "Health and Beauty" aisle. I browsed rows of store-brand soaps, cotton swabs, and the like... until I found it.

IT being-- my clit sucker.

I was immediately mortified at having been had-- my "clit-sucker" was actually a mass produced PORE CLEANSER, that some fairly smart person had bought (for a dollar each, no less!), removed the insert from, and resold for a rather substantial profit.

I showed my boyfriend and asked if it looked familar to him. He said yes, but he thought I had known what it was all along and simply had chosen to use it for.... alternative uses.

I wish I had that kind of foresight!

(photo yoinked from RichardSharp.com)

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

My boyfriend is awesome

I've been getting into Polaroid Instant film lately (about 20 years too late, I know), so I was really dissapointed when I discovered that the company had discontinued their instant film.

Prices have skyrocketed (I saw a 10 pack of exposures selling for up to $30 online), and Polaroid lovers are scrambling to buy as many packs of film as possible before they're extinct.

I couldn't afford any (the original pack I had bought was $8 on the clearance rack at Stop and Shop, & my camera was $5 at Goodwill-- I had no idea how lucky I had been!, but I bookmarked some of the websites for investigating at a later date.

About a week later I come home from school to find a box of cereal and two bowls on the table. Jay tells me I'm just in time for dinner and instructs me to pour the cereal. While I'm thinking, "Cereal for dinner?" and deciding that I'm not all that hungry, so I guess it's appropriate, I pour two bowls. He sits down, and as I finish pouring, he looks into the box and asks, "What's that?"

It's a box of 20 Polaroid exposures!

Not to mention, after that I kept getting mystery packages in the mail that turned out to be other packs of exposures. I've got about 60 now, I think, and I'm so excited to use them, yet want to also be very careful with them since they're becoming a rarity.



(For more information on Polaroid and how to help save it, go here: http://www.savepolaroid.com/)

Monday, September 29, 2008

In which I plan to understand politics:

So, they voted down the "bail-out bill", and the stock market is down 600 points.

Everyone at work seems to know exactly what this means, and they're speaking in hushed, panicked tones and calling their loved ones for more information.

I can't get anyone to really explain to me in laymens terms what this exactly means-- I have never had a mind for politics, really, but I can tell that this is important, and I want to know more.

Was this just the push we needed to go into another depression? Should I be hoarding food and water? I work for a fairly large company-- am I in danger of being "let go" very soon?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Adventures with money

I stopped paying for things with "paper money" when I was 16 years old.

I had gotten my second job, (my first job was a month-long stint at one of the most popular restaurants in Boston! Not wise for a girl who, at the time, suffered from a non-diagnosed panic disorder!) set up a bank account, was finishing up high school and saving for my first car.

Bank of America (who was called Fleet Bank, at the time, and before that had been Bank of Boston) had given me this nifty little plastic card. It could be used like a credit card, which gave me quite a bit of financial freedom (read: getting my own internet provider since my parents still used AOL and had me set up with a "Kids Only" account), and, in the long run, it just turned out to be easier then cash. Less fiddling with money, less counting (I've always been awful at math), fewer chances of losing or misplacing cash. And I didn't even have to keep a ledger, since all of my purchases were conveniently kept track of for me, with Online Banking!

Needless to say, I haven't really carried cash since. The only time I've ever had it, was when I've paid for something with my debit card for a friend, and the friend has paid me back with cash. Otherwise, it's been plastic all the way.

Recently, in an effort to find more ways to get out of debt (since working my ass off doesn't seem to be doing anything), I typed "How to pay your bills when you can't afford to" into the Google search engine. I didn't find too much, but the one thing that I did find, and did seem interesting to me, said something like this:

"Always pay for things in cash. Paying with cash has a stronger psychological impact then paying with plastic, and you're more apt to spend less when you can see your hard-earned money leaving your hands."

I thought this made sense, and decided to give it a try today.

Today my friend Mary invited me to The Big E. I had nothing better to do, and although I really wanted to go, I turned her down three times, citing money as being the issue. I mean, the entire POINT of going to the Big E is to a) Spend way too much on admission b) Spend too much on random weird foods (fried Oreos, mini donuts, fried cheese curds, giant baked potatoes, cream puffs, fried dough, etc, etc, etc) and c) Buy lots of stuff you don't really need but are somehow compelled to buy anyway.

BUT, I did receive a disbursement check from my college today-- so I decided to throw caution to the wind. I'd take out $40 total-- $10 for admission, and $30 to spend-- and be careful with my purchases. (I also had $7 from earlier that I added to my total, so I had $37 to spend, really.)

So, we went to the Big E. I made very small, careful, and spaced-out & well thought-out purchases (a headband/wrap that was on clearance for $2, a $3 soda, a $3 hot dog (the cheapest food I could find!), a $10 necklace). I was doing fairly well, & I kept telling myself if I *didn't* spend the remainder of my money, that was okay, too-- since there was a shirt at Charlotte Russe I had been eyeing last week-- and I do still need work pants.

But there was one final purchase I had to make-- so I reached my hand into my pocket... and it was empty.

I have absolutely no idea where the money could have fallen. I don't even remember putting it in my pocket, but I'm sure I must have (I didn't bring my purse.) No one stopped to tell me, of course.

Mary bailed me out, and I was able to make that final purchase (a "Safe Sex" tie for Jay, which literally has a illustration of SAFES having SEX on it. I loved it.), but I'm still pretty bummed about my missing cash.


So, after EIGHT YEARS of NOT carrying cash and then THIS, I'm pretty sure I'll stick to plastic. Stronger psychological impact, my ASS.

Friday, September 26, 2008

The Umbrellas of... well, Springfield.

I took the National Pharmacy Certification Exam today. I won't know how I actually scored until October 3rd, and at this point, if I pass I will be surprised, and if I fail I will be equally surprised.

I didn't have much time to study the material (the books were given to me fairly late, & any studying I tried to get done was often interrupted by homework I had to complete for my college classes), so I basically just hoped that since I've been a Pharmacy Technician for 2 years now, I would have absorbed enough of the material.

Who knows, though? I feel like I had a good grasp on about 50% of the material. The other 50% was either complicated math, or ones I wasn't *quite* sure of. It was all multiple choice, so that ups my chances of passing a little bit. I believe I have to get a score of 70 or greater in order to pass.

Oh yeah, and, if I pass I get a 50 cent raise. Which is the only true reason I attempted in the first place!

After I was finished with the test, I stood in the lobby of One Monarch Place for a good 2 hours waiting for Jay to come pick me up. (Which, I should add, wasn't his fault-- he had to work and was swinging by once he was done.) It was pouring out today and I spent much of the 2 hours simply watching people with their different umbrellas. I realized during this time:
  • You can tell a lot about a person by the umbrella that they carry. Alternatively, you can tell a lot about a person who does NOT carry an umbrella as well. I do not carry an umbrella, although I do own one. This tells you I try to plan for events, but end up instead being scatterbrained, or perhaps spontaneous.
  • My thighs are not as fat as I perceive them to be. (The mirrored doors of the elevator helped assure me of this, for which I thank them.)
  • I'm terribly judgmental and spend much of my time nitpicking-- Girl A should wear one size smaller pants, while Girl B made such a terrible mistake by opting for those "sensible shoes" with her pencil skirt-- they do nothing for her calves. Girl C is cute but needs oil blotting papers for her nose. But what happens when I see someone that I can't FIND anything to nitpick about? Well, she's clearly a spoiled, perfect, snobby bitch, right?
  • Jay really needs a cell phone.
  • Again, I've picked a REALLY bad time to quit smoking.

These thoughts, of course, seemed so much more profound in the gloominess of the center of a waterlogged city. Speaking of cities, I'm really fucking SICK of small-town living. Inside One Monarch Place is a branch of CBS-- I found it only because the man at the front desk told me that I needed to "take the last elevator" to my exam... conveniently leaving out which FLOOR I needed. So, being ever resourceful, I tried EACH AND EVERY FLOOR. (I got some funny looks as I stuck my head out of the doors and peeked around. I think I disturbed a board meeting at one point-- which probably won't be the last time!)

One of those floors housed CBS. I wanted very much to waltz in and inquire (as confidently as possible of course) about employment opportunities-- but of course I was dressed in blue jeans and a black and turquoise striped hoodie. Fearing I wouldn't be taken seriously, I decided not to risk it.

(One day I will grow some figurative balls.)

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Seinfeld of all blogs...

Some times I wonder if it's really okay to continually blog about... well, NOTHING. Let's face it, now and again something amusing will happen, but am I essentially writing about nothing?

My boyfriend used to blog quite a bit, but stopped. I tried to encourage him to start again, but he responded with, "I don't have anything to write about."

I said so what, neither do I. But at least you'd be writing.

Is it okay to fill a blog with random shit if there's a gem hidden inside now and again?



My feet are killing me. I wish I could wear slippers to work. Or anti-gravity boots.

EDIT: (I have a cluster map at the very bottom of my blog-- it tracks where the majority of my readers are coming from, and while it's very cool to see, and to know that 'HEY-- people actually READ this!', it's also probably adding to my insecurities. So people read this. Now I have to worry about keeping them entertained. Now I have to keep them coming back. Having a blog is SO much pressure.)

Sunday, September 21, 2008

GRRRR


Why is it that NO ONE I KNOW has ever heard of Nick Cave...

...but when I try to get tickets to his NYC Concert on October 4th...

suddenly people think it's okay to charge $244 for a general admission ticket.



(Granted, I found them for $45, but I still can't afford that this week. Maybe next week.)

(Picture yoinked from www.mcrd.com/.)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Payday and Corn Pops

For those of you who don't work a fixed-hour a week schedule, do you ever get that antsy feeling right before you get your check on payday? Like 'I-hope-the-employment-gods-decided-to-show-me-they-appreciate-me-more-then-usual'?

This past week I worked overtime. It was supposed to be just a half hour of overtime, but since I ended up staying late for a few shifts, I'm sure it quickly added up.

Plus, I'm due back-dated holiday pay (8 hours for the 4th of July), and my two year raise is supposed to go through "sometime" this month.

Today I get paid, so as I sit here munching stale Kellogg's Corn Pops (sans milk) and drinking Powerade (because it was on sale for 88 cents) for breakfast thinking about the fact that we REALLY need to go grocery shopping, and I still have TONS of bills I have to pay (some of which are past due) , I'm crossing my fingers that the employment gods will be on my side today.

I'd really just like a bonus, but unfortunately in our company those are only given to the pharmacists, not the technicians.


PS: Why is Corn Pops the only cereal (or at least the only cereal I know of) packaged in some strange, space-age silver cereal bag? Corn Pops are too good for plastic? It certainly can't have anything to do with keeping them fresher, because those damn bags are impossible to tear properly so you always wind up with a big counterproductive rip in one side of the bag only...


Edit: Received paycheck. Employment gods did not smile on me. The end.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Dissapointed...

I just found out that my aunt sold a house that's been in our family for, sheesh, I don't know... easily 50 years. I lived in it with my mother, and my mother was born in it. Before that, my grandmother and grandfather lived in it for who knows how long.

I'm really disappointed as I was hoping to inherit it. But I guess no one ever thinks of me when it comes to things like that.

Some days I feel like I'll never live comfortably unless a house, car, and huge sum of money is left to me in a will. There goes the house...

Friday, September 12, 2008

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Getting creative with an empty cupboard...

Only to a starving college student does Spam, Ramen Noodles, Salad Dressing and Parmesan Cheese sound like a good combination.


It's not bad, but I'd never dream of subjecting anyone else to it.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Always too emotional.

A little boy just ran, screaming and hysterical, through the halls of my apartment building. Through the sobs and the screams, I could make out just four words: "I want my mommy".


I hear you, kid.

I long for the days when a kiss could fix a scraped knee and an ice cream cone felt like Christmas.

I have real problems now. And while I can still go to my mother in times of need, it's not the same. She may reassure me or take my mind off of it, but these problems just don't dissipate.


ps: the little boy was okay, although at first I was so concerned that I almost ran out into the hall wearing only a towel.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Can you just be freaking HONEST with me?

1. Quite awhile ago I applied for a job as a Barista at a coffee shop. The interview went great, the people really liked me. They kept introducing me to people I'd be working with, giving me a tour of the area, etc. I thought for sure I'd get it. They told me they'd run my background check (which is clean, I'm a good kid) & get back to me in a few days. They never called.

I wasn't devastated, because although I did want the job, it was sort of out of the way for me, and would have prevented me from going to college.

I emailed the woman who had interviewed me, and asked her very politely why I hadn't been chosen for the position. I explained that I wasn't taking it personally, I only wanted to know so that I could learn from the experience and do better at my next interviews.

She never got back to me.

2. Boink magazine, as I've been quite public about, published my work in their most recent issue and neglected to pay me what they owe me. They also mailed $20 worth of magazines to the incorrect address, and since they used Parcel Post, the package was forwarded back to their factory, instead of to me.

I've written them countless emails and phoned them a million times. I have never once gotten a response or spoke with a person.

3. I have emailed dozens of libraries within a 20 mile radius of me asking if they could use a volunteer to read stories to children. Only one of those has responded-- the library I currently volunteer at, and even then, after a great interview with the children's librarian, it is basically decided that I will be her "gopher". I show up once or twice a month, set up and take down decoration, provide kids with paint and paint brushes, put books away... all the while, wishing I was reading stories.

Recently I drove by the library and saw a sign that read "Fall Storytimes begin September 8th". Excited, I emailed the children's librarian and asked if I could volunteer for that.

It's been 2 weeks now and she still hasn't responded.

Honestly, I know that I'm a nice person and outwardly may seem very meek sometimes, but I'm not going to fall to pieces if you tell me "NO". I'd appreciate a little bit of honesty from you, even if it stings at first. In the long run, it would help me to improve. I'd even rather you don't sugar coat it and be polite about it. If you didn't hire me because I smelled funny, looked funny, or seemed like a bitch, TELL ME. If you don't want to hire me for a storytime because of my nose ring, TELL ME.

Giving me something to work with is better then all of this silence.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Acting Class

So, although shaking our limbs until they go numb, making funny noises, pretending to carry invisible cups full of water, and mediating is very strange curriculum for your average college course (I used to pay $60 a week to do the same thing as a kid in Boston) there is something to be said for the degree of social acceptance you feel after it's all over.

After all, every person in the class looks as stupid as you do. It's a pretty good equalizer.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

First day jitters...

I start my first semester at a new college tomorrow.

To follow my entire college career (which has been on and off from 2002 to present) this makes three colleges I've been to, four majors I've attempted to get degrees on, about 13 classes I've begun, three that I've withdrawn from, and one that I 'failed'. (I only failed in the eyes of my current college, which won't accept transfer credits if you get anything less then a C. I scooted by the eyes of the Botany Gods with a D, which was still passing at the time.)

This time, I've got a major that I refuse to budge from-- Broadcasting and Communications.

I also have FULL student aid being provided to me by the college. Apparently, it really pays off to hit age 24 and move out. Suddenly they look at my finances the same way I do and likely think, 'shit, how's she going to pull this off? Quick, give her some money!'. This is amazing and fantastic and a whole slew of other positive words.

And, against the wishes of my mother, I'm taking a full time course load. She thinks I won't be able to handle it, especially since I've only taken 2 classes at a time for the past few semesters, and I'll still be working full-time. I think I'm appropriately motivated to the task, and I feel like I need to strike while the iron is hot.

HOWEVER.

I am so freaking NERVOUS it's insane. I spent my entire evening today making ridiculous preparations (exfoliation, manicure, pedicure, eyebrow wax, facial peel...!) like I'm getting ready for some party where everyone will be judging me based on appearance. Because isn't that what college IS?

I'm not sure why I'm going to such lengths. In the previous years, I would chalk it all up to, essentially, being on the prowl. Sure... I was going to school to learn-- but if that hot guy who sat in front of me ended up liking me, wouldn't that be a bonus?

This year I'm not sure what it is.

It's possible I'm looking for new friends, I guess, but even if I were to find them, I wouldn't know what to do with them, seeing as I'm broke as anything at this point and lack the ability to even purchase a drink if we were to go to a bar.

[edit: 8/29/08]

It's largely pointless, anyway. It seems I can divide community college kids into three categories:

  1. The kids right out of high school. These are easy to spot, usually because they're extremely young and have brand new clothes (since mommy and daddy took them back to school shopping).
  2. The continuing education students (essentially, the "old people"). They are also easy to spot, as they generally never stop talking. They talk to you even if you aren't looking at them, they talk to the teacher as if they've been friends for years, and when all else fails, they talk to themselves.
  3. The others. The others generally detest being in school, and it's visible by their body language. They don't speak if at all possible, and seem to have no personality.

I'm not sure exactly what category I fit into. I'm likely somewhere between "the others" and "continuing ed" students.

Hopefully I'll meet someone interesting.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Disturb my peace. Please.

I live on a fairly main road, wedged nosily between railroad tracks and a catholic church that enjoys nothing better then ringing its bells for a good solid 2 minutes every Sunday morning.

During the summer months, the tinkling bells of an ice cream truck have also joined in on the fun.

Jay complains, most specifically about the church bells that show no intention of stopping as they interrupt his sleep on a weekly basis.

I don't mind. The first echoing bell will sometimes jar me from my sleep, but it never lasts long. I can sleep through anything, and quite frequently do.

For as long as I can remember, I've come to hate Sundays. I used to go to the movies by myself every Sunday after work, as I could never find anything else to do, and sitting alone at home became depressing.

Add my financial state to the mix, and Sundays become even more dull. It's a beautiful day outside, and I itch for a roadtrip, a bike ride... I'd even accept being cooped up indoors at a museum or something of the like. Alas I can afford none of the above.

This is my last weekend before school starts. My last free weekend without homework and commitments.

I'd have liked it to be more special then this.

(Even as I type these words I am struck with the thought, 'I am REALLY sick of feeling sorry for myself all the time'. But I just can't seem to feel any other way.)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Sometimes you just have to drive a little further down the road...

So, obviously I've been bummed lately. Things haven't quite been going my way, money is tight, yatta yatta.

Today I was out running errands with Jay, and we got bored and decided to explore a little. We drove around looking for cute little shops to stop in. We live in the middle of nowhere, so we didn't have very much luck. We were just about to head home when instead we decided to turn around and venture farther down Route 75 then we usually travel.

A mile or so down the road, we pulled into a little plaza that looked pretty boring. There was a tattoo and piercing parlor there, however, and I needed a new nose ring as my old one had somehow lost its gemstone. We got out of the car and went inside.

The guy who worked there was very helpful. He sold me a new nose ring and put it in for me, free of charge (usually there's a 5 dollar insertion fee). While he was doing this, Jay joked with the man, saying that he had no money, but how would they like to tattoo their stores logo on his back? He'd advertise for them free of charge.

As it turns out-- they have a guy working there currently who is building his portfolio, and currently not charging for tattoos! Apparently he does very good work, too.

So... Jay and I are getting free tattoos within the next week or so!

I'm incredibly excited about this and am frantically trying to decide what work I would like done.

This proves to me-- when things are going shitty, sometimes you just need to drive a little further down the road! :)

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Why are you where you are? Is it where you belong?

I'm having another one of those little moments today. The kind where I look at my social circle as a "map" of sorts, and lament my location.

My best friends-- by location.

Boston- Seeing as I'm originally from there, Boston has the highest concentration of best friends, and really good friends, by square mile. For the sake of argument, I will count the ones I am most likely visiting while I am in town-- LaVonna, Matt, and Danielle. Matt moved there for college, LaVonna moved there after college for work, and Danielle lives with her father there.

Florida- I'm originally from here, too... but the best friend who lives there only moved there about 2 years ago. Katie, who I miss so much it hurts. She teaches second grade and never plans on coming back, no matter how much I plead with her.

North Adams, MA- 1. Mary. She moved there for her senior year of college and ended up staying.

London, UK- 1. Lauren. She also moved there for college and ended up staying.



Which leaves me in Connecticut with an overwhelming (sarcasm) social circle that consists of 1. Boyfriend and 2. girls I work with. And while Girls I Work With can be great for a monthly dinner and movie, or maybe even a roadtrip or birthday party, most of the time we get together, all we do is Talk About Work. And really, isn't it bad enough that we all have to Be At Work?

As far as I see it, I am only currently living here until I am capable of getting my degree and getting a real job. In which case-- where am I going? Do I head in the directions of the friendships I've already established, or do I really just take a deep breath and set off on my own, wherever success seems to call me?

It seems, in the cases of all of my friends, that schooling has led them all to their current locations, and work has kept them there.

Why are YOU where you are? Are you happy there, or do you plan on going somewhere else?



(Bonus question: Do they have lifeguards on duty at Olympic swimming events?)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Starving?

I wonder if you stopped one of those poor starving children you see on television (you know the ones I'm talking about!), and asked them to explain the sensation of starving, what they would say?

I'm not eating enough lately. I'm by no means starving, but it's still quite an unpleasant sensation. This is a mixture of being sick (yes, I'm sick AGAIN, which has left me with mostly no appetite for the past few days) and being broke. We haven't had enough money to actually go food shopping in probably... well, at least three months now. Every month or so I'll buy a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread, but other then that we're getting by solely on what a friend of mine is able to share with me when her family goes to a food shelter.

I'm sure there are people out there like me who quite often find themselves getting nauseous when they're hungry. I'm desperately trying to fix this nausea with a limited cupboard. I have attacked it so far with a banana and an entire can of peas. To no avail.

I really, really just want a pitcher of Diet Coke and like three large pizzas.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Brushes with fame... or, how I embarrass myself around moderately famous people.


(This was written last week, except for the end part)

When I was 8 years old, I had the most brushes with fame in the shortest amount of time.

The first, was Jonathan Richman. He was appearing at the Tower Records in Boston, where he was unveiling his star on their "Walk of Fame" type dealie. My step-father was a big fan of his, and his music accompanied us through many scenic weekend drives. I was excited to meet him, but not in any 8 year old capacity. My stepfather kept asking me, "What are you going to say to him?" I didn't know, of course. He prompted me, saying, "Do you want me to tell him how much you like 'I'm A Little Dinosaur?'." Even then, I didn't understand. What would it matter to Jonathan that an eight year old enjoyed his music? What could be said that he hadn't already heard? I thought the concept was altogether pretty foolish.

We met him, I got his autograph, as well as Ellie Marshall's. I recall my stepfather saying to him, "Alison wants to know what Kookenhaken is.", and I was very angry. Jonathan explicitly states in his song 'My Little Kookenhaken' that Kookenhaken is a made up word which has no meaning. I was very upset, and convinced Jonathan Richman now thought I was an idiot.

A short time later, we were walking down the street in Boston and passed a man wearing strange clothing. I didn't think anything of it, but my stepfather started yelling to me, "Alison!! Did you see that man?! That was Steven Tyler!" This was years before I got into Aerosmith-- I had responded with, "Who?"

Around the same time, I also took part in a bike ride around the Charles River with Joe Kennedy. I remember him as nothing more then a very nice man with a big smile, good sense of humor, and wild curly hair. That, and I could ride my one-speed bike faster then he could ride his bicycle-built-for-two. I passed him several times.

These events all have one thing in common-- I was unfazed by the "celebrity" status of these people. The way I feel about "stars" still rings true fifteen years later-- only now that I'm older, it comes across much differently. Now I'm just regarded as the shy and awkward fan who doesn't know what to say.

Which is true, to a point. I'm not a very good small talker, and I'm terrible when it comes to meeting new people. It's difficult for me just to start a conversation with anyone, but I hate going up to people and saying things like, "I enjoyed [insert album here]" or "you were great on [such and such program]." They know they were great. They know I like them-- that's why I'm here. And moreover, they hear this same thing, day in and day out, from thousands of other people.

I met Sharon and Bram (of Sharon, Lois and Bram's Elephant Show) last year. I had the time of my life, and ended up holed up in their trailer to escape from a freak rain shower, singing folk songs while Bram played the guitar. Again, however, conversation was difficult in most respects. I met them again this year, along with Lois (who had always been my favorite as a child) and found myself backing off just to give them some peace as they were bombarded by fans who simply couldn't seem to cram enough words into a sentence.

At one point, Lois had come up to me and asked, "Aren't you with [another group of fans]?" since I wasn't sitting near them. I had responded yes, but they talk too much. She laughed and said she had to agree with me.

What brought all this reflection on? Well, this weekend, I am going to NYC with a friend to see the founding members of Rockapella. As usual, I am unbelievably excited--but I'm nervous, too. I can see the whole cycle repeating itself. I've been shooting emails back and forth with Sean Altman for a short time, and he has informed me that there will be a meet and greet at the bar.

(This part is written today, 7/27)

The show was last night, and it was amazing. It was held in a ridiculously small club (The Cutting Room) where we all packed in like sardines. My friend and I had very good seats, & I was able to get some awesome pictures and video of the event. I am sure that they were not prepared for such a large turnout, and I shouldn't have really been worried about figuring out what to say to them-- I only had about one minute with Sean, Barry and Elliot respectively. I was able to get away without feeling too much like an idiot, and I got photographs and and autographs-- exactly what I had come for.

So, my quest goes on. I still have Raffi, Bill Nye, Tim Noah and LeVar Burton left to meet. Oh, and that unpaid internship at Sesame Workshop that I'll eventually attempt once I can scrounge up the money to live in New Jersey or New York for a (did I mention it was UNPAID?!) summer.

Oh, and speaking of Sesame Workshop... there was a very frightening Elmo walking around Times Square yesterday, and I snuck up next to him, instructing my friend to take a picture. Elmo turned, posed with me, and after the picture was taken said in a thick Mexican accent, "One dollar for picture, one dollar."

I pretended to rifle through my purse digging for a dollar, and then took off when he was distracted by a child wanting a photograph.

Pretty damn sure Joan Ganz Cooney would NOT approve of this.

Rahr...


I've been a whiny bitch lately, I know it. Don't think it's escaped my notice.

I've got some interesting bloggers in my sidebar-- check them out for a good dose of non-whine.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Sickness & Batman.

We had a hectic morning. Jay and I crashed on the couch last night (because it's next to the A/C, and it's really a bed that we make up to look like a couch) and he didn't sleep very well because of this uncontrollable cough.

Turns out, I gave him my cold-- which anyone could have guessed would happen, I was a germy mess for a week and he lives with me. It's inevitable.

The problem was, his cough was REALLY bad, much worse then mine had been. Constant and non-productive. He coughed to the point of having difficulty breathing, and he coughed so hard I was worried he was going to break a rib.

We were up by 9 AM (unheard of on a weekend!) and I was frantically calling Minute Clinics in an effort to figure out if they'd take his insurance. By 10:30 he was hacking in the waiting room. If you've never been to a minute clinic, I completely recommend it-- the RN was very nice and helpful, we didn't have to wait long to be seen, and he left the office with a diagnosis (acute infectious bronchitis!) and three prescriptions for what ails him. Yes, on a SUNDAY-- all for the cost of his insurance co-pay (ten bucks!).

He's konked out on the bed-couch now, after taking some cough syrup with codeine, which finally helped him stop coughing (the past few days have been filled with Vicks VaboRub, cough drops, hot tea, frozen drinks and Delsym, none of which were helping at all!). I'm very relieved he's finally able to sleep-- I can finally give my worried maternal instincts a rest.


In other, non germ-related news, I have a cute new short haircut, which didn't come out exactly as I had hoped, but I like it all the same, & I'm now looking for places to donate my ponytail to. I know some places have better reputations then others (for instance-- I heard that "Locks of Love" doesn't actually provide young cancer patients with free wigs-- you have no way of knowing where your hair will go!) so if anyone has done this before and has any tips, let me know.

Also, we saw Batman last night in IMAX, and it was fantastic. I was slightly disappointed by the overall "IMAX experience" (I thought it was going to be in 3-D-- in reality it was simply a very large movie screen, and more surround sound speakers), but there's no denying the movie itself was perfectly executed. I was extremely skeptical that Heath Ledger would make a good Joker when I had first learned of the casting decision, but he was excellent. I will trust Christopher Nolan's judgment from now on-- after all, I wasn't fond of the idea of Christian Bale at first, either!

All for now.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Adventures in cars

The other day I was in the car with J., he was driving. He missed a turn he had to take, as people often do, so he pulled into the next driveway to turn around--- only to discover that for some reason, that particular driveway went NOWHERE. It just.... ended.

No big deal, right? Just 3 point turn and pull out. Except the driveway was too narrow for a 3 point turn. He went to back out, but that too proved impossible-- there was a huge overgrown bush (and I mean OVERGROWN) blocking any and all view of oncoming traffic, and the road was very busy. There was just no way to back out safely.

Luckily, there was another driveway off to the left. We were separated from it by a great deal of grass, however. J. eased the car onto the grass the best he could and pulled the car into the next driveway. I am all the while freaking out in the passenger seat because A) We're fucking driving on someones well maintained grass, what if they catch us?! and B) My car made a pretty nasty scraping sound as he drove over that last curb.

So, a little stressful, but whatever. We'll just pull out of this driveway.

Except... it ALSO doesn't go anywhere.

No lie, this driveway was even more ridiculous then the first (seeing as the first actually had an ENTRY POINT from the road)-- this is literally a big stretch of asphalt that is surrounded by curbs on ALL SIDES. And we were STUCK IN IT. We sat there for a minute marveling at the stupidity of such a creation, and our misfortune for getting stuck in such ridiculousness.

There was nothing to do but drive over yet ANOTHER curb. And these curbs were somehow built higher and even more bottom-scrapey then the first ones. I kept whispering to J. through clenched teeth, "Just go slow... go slow...", but as my car clunked and scraped over the first curb, I realized that no matter how slow he went, my car was going to get wrecked.

Cut to one minute later-- we're now in the safety of an ACTUAL parking lot that has ACTUAL driveways that lead to roads. And I am an uncontrollable sobbing mess. It seems that this event somehow drudged up all the stress and worry I'm having financially at the moment, and I sat there completely unable to stop the tears. it was then that Jay reached over and caressed me, and all my worries seemed to melt away. I was overtaken with passion, and slowly reached over to unzip his pants. He tilted his head back, moving his body forward in the seat. As

EDIT: None of that last bit actually happened. I made the mistake of leaving my half-written blog on the computer screen when J. sat down to type something... I'll finish this later.

So as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I was a mess. All the car shit and bill shit and working my ass off and NOT making ends meet blindsided me all at once. The bottom line? This economy fucking SUCKS. When times get hard, my obvious reaction is to get a second job. Except NO ONE will hire me. I know I'm not the only person going through this, but it's getting ridiculous. Something has to be done, and it has to be done soon or I don't know what's going to happen.

(In the meantime, I'm still dreaming of living outside my means. This item is currently at the top of my wishlist, and I would like for nothing more then to spend weekends biking around with Jay (who I will retire calling "J." since he outed himself in his last bit of prose. I was trying to give him some form of anonymity, but I guess he doesn't need it). I haven't gone on a bike ride since I was a kid, I miss it.