Monday, July 7, 2008

One step forward... three steps back?

To take a look at my life from the outside, I'm doing well. I'm finally out (for good!) of my parents house, I'm in a healthy relationship (um, finally?!), I've got a pretty good car, and a fairly stable -almost- decent full time job.

I'm lucky, right?

If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that the standards I set for myself are unreachable-y, unrealistically high. The thoughts currently bombarding me are:

  • This apartment is good, but shouldn't we move somewhere bigger and get some nicer furniture? The bathroom door doesn't close all the way. And that other place we looked at in Manchester had a pool AND fitness area... which would mean I would save money on joining the gym. And I could rent to own, which is so important... I need to buy some real estate.
  • My car's alright, but I should be driving something slightly better on gas. Or maybe a hybrid. A 1997 is really old, isn't it? Is my car a "junker"? I love my car. Mike just got a Mini Cooper. Okay, I'm drooling. How much do I have left to pay off on this? Oh... right, three years worth of payments. Forget it.
  • I'm not making enough at my one job to comfortably pay my bills. I'm terrified each month I won't have enough for something... and J. and I are always paying the rent on the 9th... (paying after the 10th gets you charged a late fee). I must get a second job to compensate. (I've already applied for a Barista position. I should hear back within the next couple of days)
  • Second job will only afford me even less free time, more wear and tear on my car, and increase my gas consumption. (As it is now, I walk to work and generally only use my car on weekends)
  • I should be joining the gym with Mary. It's $50 a month but... I really really need to lose this weight. But this directly affects my finances AND my free time. But I have 50 pounds that need to go bye-bye.
  • I don't have enough money to do anything fun this summer. I feel pretty lame.
  • I got out of work at 7 today and was all excited. This was still "early" and I could "do stuff". My main objective was to visit a nearby store and pick up Nag Champa... but when I ran this by J., he didn't want to go out. Instead of jumping up and being the independent woman I am (or, at the very least, that I CAN be... it's in there, I swear) I sat around on the internet while he played video games. Now it's 10:41 and he's passed out and I'm bored and angry at my wasted evening. I wish I was more creative at ways of entertaining myself. I feel like I waste so much time.
  • God, crashing into that wall is going to cost me so much money. I might never be able to do anything fun ever again.

There. Was that enough ridiculousness for you? It's time to sleep.

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