Thursday, October 16, 2008

Backtracking?

Nick's death has brought on a huge period of reflection for myself and others. Mostly, we seem to be realizing how much we've missed out on for whatever reason-- personally, I shut the entire Rocky Horror cast out of my life back in... well... 2004... ish? It's been so long that the years are foggy to me. I performed with this people every Saturday night for YEARS, and then just... bailed.

I had every reason and every right to react the way I did. As I've written before, there had been some major unpleasantness between myself and some cast members that, even when the offending members were removed, still hovered over me like a dark cloud. There were whispers, there were rumors. So-and-so had called me a slut and said I had asked for it. What's-her-name thought I was a liar and clearly a bad influence on her daughter. It got to be way too much, not knowing who I could trust.

But now all I can think of is how much I missed out on. I remember nights after the show I'd smile at a stage full of half-dressed, exhausted actors and crew members and be able to say nothing more then "I love you, guys." and really, really mean it.

I should have come back sooner. I should have come back while Nick was still around. But my insecurities got the better of me, and I never could summon the courage.

I've missed out on so many fun times, and so much I could have been sharing.

So what, people talked shit about me? So what, they all got the wrong idea? It's simply that-- THE WRONG IDEA. I shouldn't have let it all drive me as far away as I did... but I couldn't help it at the time. I punished myself and several innocent parties for the words of only a select few.

it's terrible that it took a death to convince me of this.


I'm seriously considering returning to the cast now. I've been invited back by two separate cast members. I'm going to the show this weekend to sort of get a feel for the general atmosphere... just to see if it's something I'll be able to handle again. I'll make a concrete decision after that.

2 comments:

Laura said...

I miss having you around and would love to have you back. Have you decided yet?

Eponine said...

I have decided, and I do want to come back. I need to get a costume first, though.