Friday, October 10, 2008

Nightmares, nightmares, nightmares.

I didn't have a SINGLE nice dream last night-- I woke up crying from at least 3 different nightmares that I can recall right now.

1. My mother tore down the giant collage that I'm currently working on. It's on the back of the door of Jay & my apartment, and in the dream I think my mom was throwing me some sort of a party and decided the half-finished collage looked "trashy" (or some similar word) and threw it all away. When I noticed it was gone, I was frantic... tearing through trash bags but I couldn't find any of the pieces.

(In real life, my mother did something quite similar to this. My bedroom door at HER house had been covered in permanent marker-- notes from friends, poetry, quotations, drawings. She warned me she was going to paint over it when I moved out. I had told her that was fine, but to make sure I had taken pictures of it first. She painted over it before I had gotten a chance to. I was LIVID.)

2. Someone, I don't know who, had snipped the hair and ripped the HEAD off of my favorite childhood stuffed animal. They were taunting me with it and laughing-- I was crying and they couldn't understand what the big deal was. That bear had belonged to me since before I was born, and it had starred in "radio shows" and books that I had written about it at the ages of 5-7. I was devastated.

3. This was the last dream I had before waking, so I remember it the most vividly. I was with a whole bunch of people at some major theme park in an unfamiliar town. The only people I can say for SURE were there are my mother and Jay, but there was a general sense of friendship extended to the other people I was with, even though I didn't recognize them.

We're in a line to go into a building to get food, and the whole place is just outrageously busy. It was a fairly bright, sunny day, but then I look off to the distance and I notice that the sky is BLACK. Someone near me points to another direction and says "Wow, look how dark it's getting. It's going to rain." but her side of the sky is nowhere near as black as my side.

Suddenly the rest of the sky starts turning black in sections, like someone is shutting off big overhead lights, *pop* Pop* pop*. People are starting to panic and rush. There are two different restaurants inside the building, along with a bunch of shops. Jay and I want McDonald's, which is upstairs, and my mother and a bunch of others are waiting to get into the Chinese food place downstairs. We split up so we'll be done more quickly. A woman in our group says she's going to go pull the car around, and she dissapears in the direction of the parking lot.

There's a period that gets a little blurry here-- basically, the sky just opened up and poured and poured for days. No one on the bottom floor (including my mother, who, just in case anyone was wondering, is the singular most important person to me in the world) survived. Most of the nearby buildings were demolished, as well. After a week or so, a woman on the second floor convinced me to come with her and survey some of the damage. Some of the area was still flooded, but we were able to take a cab and then later walk to different neighborhoods.

At some point on this journey, the woman lost her mind. The grief was just too much for her-- her house, her whole family was gone. She began starting to see them in places they were not, and she refused to return with me to our shelter. I went on without her. It's actually a much more difficult journey back-- landmarks are gone, buildings are destroyed. I get very lost, and feel very unsafe.

When I returned to our shelter, despite the bleakness of bodies floating in the streets outside, things were on the up and up inside. When I entered the front door, I was greeted by a receptionist (?!) and I immediately yelled at her, "JAY. Where's JAY?!" She directed me up the stairs where I found him in a back room, setting up some kind of equipment. Now, what you have to realize is that everyone else I know in the entire world is dead, and I've just had a very difficult journey back. I am OVERJOYED to see him-- but that's not the same vibe I'm getting from him. He's nervous. He didn't really expect me to come back.

A tall, skinny, bubbly blonde bounces over to us. "I'm leaving now, Jay!" she declares, blowing him a kiss. "I'll call you later."

He explains that a week is a long time. He thought I was dead.

I woke up and couldn't stop crying.


I don't know what any of this means, but I hope to God it isn't any kind of foreshadowing. I've really had enough problems in my life already.

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