Thursday, November 6, 2008

Down with up...

I've had a very down day today.

To think about it, actually, it's been a very down couple of weeks.

Today hit danger levels, though. It's very frustrating to be an in-debt 24 year old, living on a VERY minimum income, working ones ass off and going to school as well. There's never any time for anything, and if one was to find time, there would never been any money.

I said this more succinctly earlier: I feel like I am doing the wrong things in life, living in the wrong place, and surrounding myself with the wrong people.

Unfortunately I also feel very helpless about how to change all this. I've never been good at making friends, speaking my mind, or making important decisions.

My mother, on one hand, has subscribed to a certain way of thinking. All of her life she has told me, "Bloom where you are planted." This mentality is evident in her life, although she is in denial as to the (negative) situation she's in. She has taken the scenario that she has been dealt and simply learned to deal with it.

I can't be that way.

It's ridiculous to take your short time on life and use it to mold yourself into a predetermined situation that you might not enjoy.

She wouldn't understand this-- she'd call it the wanderlust, blame my father for instilling it in me.

I can't just keep on living an unsatisfactory life. Something must be done, but I'm not sure what.

Things are not the same here as they were even a month ago. They're much darker. Something in me has changed.

Really, I'm not even sure how to explain this to anyone.

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