Friday, October 31, 2008

Um...

So, the other day in an effort to save money, I bought what essentially are deli meat "remnants". The same way you'd buy that little bit of cloth that's left over at a craft store at a discount price, likewise, they sell the butt-ends of deli meats and cheeses at the supermarket.

Needless to say, after I nom-nomed my way through an entire sandwich made with the buttend, something occurred to me....



... I was eating CASING, wasn't I?

...was it made of... plastic??

Have I just stupidly ingested a sandwich full of plastic? After trying so hard to eat mostly-organic? PLASTIC?

I was able to chew through it mostly okay-- it was a little tough in places, so I'm clinging on to that as a shred of hope that it was actually just... cooked? And not.. plastic.


A Google search has, for once, turned up fruitless. I can't even find a picture resembling what it is I ate. It was a darker brown then the inside turkey, and had lines cut into it like it had once been contained inside a jumbo cheese cloth.

If I need my stomach pumped tomorrow and find myself unable to explain what I ate, I hope someone has the foresight to read my journal.

-gulp-

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Does the world even know it's on fire?

I've taken up painting.

Okay, so really, I've been painting for a grand total of 2 days. But I'm having fun with it, even though I'm clearly no Picasso.

I have absolutely no idea what I'll do with my finished works. They aren't good enough to sell, and I'm not sure I want 'practice-stage' paintings on the walls. But we'll see, I suppose.

I'm also really angry about the trip to D.C this weekend-- we were told originally that we'd have a day to hang out on our own and see the sights, but now it seems like the entire two days are completely micromanaged for us. That, and the American History wing of the Smithsonian (where I desperately wanted to go-- Mister Roger's sweater is on display there!) is CLOSED for renovations and will reopen a grand total of NINETEEN DAYS after I depart.

I swear, if there's a God, he has a fucking sense of humor and he's LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF at my misfortune.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Random Thoughts:

-9 times out of 10, when I add a girl from my past on facebook (be it a friend, classmate, old co-worker, or simply an acquaintance) the story is the same. She's usually a single mom or married (it seems the most popular girls in high school are now the single mothers... funny how that works), much fatter then in the past (I LOVE it when that happens), or simply stuck with a guy who seems nowhere NEAR good enough for them.

A good year or so ago, I had a conversation like this with a close friend. Do women of a certain age just... give up? Think nothing better is coming along, and settle for whatever will have them? And if that IS true, is there something wrong with settling? I thought so, she thought not.

-It seems that only the people who KNOW death could come at any moment get tattoos that show. People who are, or have been, seriously ill. I find myself wondering if I really should be throwing caution to the wind and continuously planning on tattoos that I can easily cover. I'd really love an sleeve, or even a chest tattoo. I feel that a large tattoo suits my personality in a lot of ways. I'd hate to have regrets on either side of the spectrum, however. I'll think on that some more.

-I'm thinking of ways I can enjoy life more, so it won't seem so entirely wasted if it is cut short. It's hard to do with a limited budget, really. I feel that 'live each day like it's your last' is really something only possible for the independently wealthy. Which is rather unfortunate.

-I feel very stuck where I am lately. It's not the time or place to do anything about it, but nothing about my job or living situation seems to fit with my personality. It's hard to explain and will possibly be even harder to fix. It's harder still to realize I'm not exactly sure if there is a place that really does "fit" me, because I'm not certain I've found it yet. There are too many options, and I often find myself scared to step off of the steady ground beneath my feet.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Why you won't find me in a casket in a Catholic church...

(Okay, actually, to be honest, I don't know where it's considered "okay" hold funerals. I'm assuming that I'm really SOL if I want to shy away from a traditional church as the site of the actual service, but I'll return to this in a bit...)


My friend Nick's services were this weekend. I'd never actually been to a funeral before, and this one was a unique and interesting experience for many different reasons. Nick had been very sick for a long time, and as a result, this service was highly personalized. The priest cracked jokes, his friends gave speeches and sang songs, and the service was followed up by a pipe-organ version of "The Entertainer" (something I'm certain Nick must have chosen, knowing it would make us all laugh).

So of course, this all made me consider my own passing. I write long entries and speculate for hours about what my wedding and bachelorette party will look like, and even what my perfect job will entail...

...but what if it doesn't work out like that?

It's entirely possible that someone could one day be reading this blog, thinking how sad it is that all my dreams had gone unrealized.

And it's also entirely possible that my friends could one day be stuffed into a church thinking, "Alison wouldn't have wanted a ceremony like this."

In all honesty, I've never given much thought to my own death. My mother has always believed 'not to tempt fate', so topics like death and illness are often under-discussed in my family. I like to be prepared for the worst case scenario, however, so it's likely something I should begin thinking about.

I've only briefly touched on the subject lately, but I've been able to come up with the following:

-Slideshows and music videos. I would love for them to be playing everywhere. I try to document as much of my own life photographically as I can, and it would be nice to have something like that to watch.

-Lots of music-- and definitely not "Amazing Grace".

-Personalized speeches from friends

I'm toying with the idea of holding a funeral as one of Dean Martin's comedy roasts. That would be kind of awesome, but I'm sure the majority of my family would find it in poor taste and it would cause problems.

I also don't get all this "don't be sad, they wouldn't have wanted us to be sad" business. I'll tell you one thing, when I die I want all kinds of ex-boyfriends and unrequited lovers throwing themselves, sobbing, upon my casket. I suppose this says a lot about me as a person...

I'll return to this later, hopefully with better formulated ideas.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Traveling...

I'll be in Washington D.C for 2 days in the beginning of November... I've never been there before, and would like to cram in as much sightseeing as possible. Does anyone have any recommendations of things I should be sure to see while I'm in town? I'm definitely going to the Holocaust Museum, and I want to go to the Smithsonian as well.

I'd also like to spend as little as possible.

EDIT:

I am also trying to create a worst-case-scenario survival kit seeing as A) the last time I went on a roadtrip, everything possible went wrong and B) I'm going to be SUPER far away from home and I'll be either alone or surrounded by total strangers constantly.

Feel free to suggest things for my survival kit, no matter how silly they may seem.

I'm already bringing:

-Contacts, case & solution (in case I rip one)
-Glasses (in case I rip a contact and somehow fuck up my eye)
-Cipro (because I have a habit of not drinking enough water on trips... girls you know what I mean!)
-Ear plugs (in case I'm in a room with loud bitches or bitches that snore)
-Headphones/iPod (for the bus trip to and from)


What else?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Something good....

It's hard to take anything positive away from the death of a friend, but I'm trying to.


I went back to Rocky Horror today and had a good time. Most of the people I used to know are no longer around, but I was greeted with open arms by the ones who *are* still there, and it was nice.

I'll be rejoining the cast in the future... so now I'm off to search for costume pieces. It's been awhile.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Submission.

When faced with the opportunity to stand up for myself in the coming weeks...

... the best thing I can do is just keep my mouth shut.



Cryptic, yes. It will have to stay that way for now.

This quite possibly might be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Backtracking?

Nick's death has brought on a huge period of reflection for myself and others. Mostly, we seem to be realizing how much we've missed out on for whatever reason-- personally, I shut the entire Rocky Horror cast out of my life back in... well... 2004... ish? It's been so long that the years are foggy to me. I performed with this people every Saturday night for YEARS, and then just... bailed.

I had every reason and every right to react the way I did. As I've written before, there had been some major unpleasantness between myself and some cast members that, even when the offending members were removed, still hovered over me like a dark cloud. There were whispers, there were rumors. So-and-so had called me a slut and said I had asked for it. What's-her-name thought I was a liar and clearly a bad influence on her daughter. It got to be way too much, not knowing who I could trust.

But now all I can think of is how much I missed out on. I remember nights after the show I'd smile at a stage full of half-dressed, exhausted actors and crew members and be able to say nothing more then "I love you, guys." and really, really mean it.

I should have come back sooner. I should have come back while Nick was still around. But my insecurities got the better of me, and I never could summon the courage.

I've missed out on so many fun times, and so much I could have been sharing.

So what, people talked shit about me? So what, they all got the wrong idea? It's simply that-- THE WRONG IDEA. I shouldn't have let it all drive me as far away as I did... but I couldn't help it at the time. I punished myself and several innocent parties for the words of only a select few.

it's terrible that it took a death to convince me of this.


I'm seriously considering returning to the cast now. I've been invited back by two separate cast members. I'm going to the show this weekend to sort of get a feel for the general atmosphere... just to see if it's something I'll be able to handle again. I'll make a concrete decision after that.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

R.I.P Nick


Last night at 9:10 Nicholas Ross Francis, surrounded by a roomful of friends and family, passed away after a life-long battle with Cystic Fibrosis.

He was 26 years old.

He didn't deserve this.

Nick, we love you and will never ever forget you.

(March 15, 1982- October 11, 2008)

Saturday, October 11, 2008

*sigh*

Today I told Jay my flood dream.

He told me (of course) that I didn't have to worry about anything like that happening (which I know, even if my subconscious does not!)

but he also told me that sometimes I make him so mad that he can't see himself with me in a year.

I guess that's how everyone has always felt about me, but no one has ever been honest about it.



I don't know why. I've always thought I was a pretty good girlfriend.

I am angry.

I went to bed angry, I woke up in the middle of the night angry, I woke up in the morning angry.

It just seems to me the harder I reach for someone the more I get pushed away. I more I crave affection the more I get ignored. Oh and hey-- to any guys reading this? Sex and Affection are not the same thing, okay? It is possible to combine the two, but in my experiences it is also very rare.

I don't really understand. Some days are great, and then others I just don't get it.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Nightmares, nightmares, nightmares.

I didn't have a SINGLE nice dream last night-- I woke up crying from at least 3 different nightmares that I can recall right now.


1. My mother tore down the giant collage that I'm currently working on. It's on the back of the door of Jay & my apartment, and in the dream I think my mom was throwing me some sort of a party and decided the half-finished collage looked "trashy" (or some similar word) and threw it all away. When I noticed it was gone, I was frantic... tearing through trash bags but I couldn't find any of the pieces.

(In real life, my mother did something quite similar to this. My bedroom door at HER house had been covered in permanent marker-- notes from friends, poetry, quotations, drawings. She warned me she was going to paint over it when I moved out. I had told her that was fine, but to make sure I had taken pictures of it first. She painted over it before I had gotten a chance to. I was LIVID.)

2. Someone, I don't know who, had snipped the hair and ripped the HEAD off of my favorite childhood stuffed animal. They were taunting me with it and laughing-- I was crying and they couldn't understand what the big deal was. That bear had belonged to me since before I was born, and it had starred in "radio shows" and books that I had written about it at the ages of 5-7. I was devastated.

3. This was the last dream I had before waking, so I remember it the most vividly. I was with a whole bunch of people at some major theme park in an unfamiliar town. The only people I can say for SURE were there are my mother and Jay, but there was a general sense of friendship extended to the other people I was with, even though I didn't recognize them.

We're in a line to go into a building to get food, and the whole place is just outrageously busy. It was a fairly bright, sunny day, but then I look off to the distance and I notice that the sky is BLACK. Someone near me points to another direction and says "Wow, look how dark it's getting. It's going to rain." but her side of the sky is nowhere near as black as my side.

Suddenly the rest of the sky starts turning black in sections, like someone is shutting off big overhead lights, *pop* Pop* pop*. People are starting to panic and rush. There are two different restaurants inside the building, along with a bunch of shops. Jay and I want McDonald's, which is upstairs, and my mother and a bunch of others are waiting to get into the Chinese food place downstairs. We split up so we'll be done more quickly. A woman in our group says she's going to go pull the car around, and she dissapears in the direction of the parking lot.

There's a period that gets a little blurry here-- basically, the sky just opened up and poured and poured for days. No one on the bottom floor (including my mother, who, just in case anyone was wondering, is the singular most important person to me in the world) survived. Most of the nearby buildings were demolished, as well. After a week or so, a woman on the second floor convinced me to come with her and survey some of the damage. Some of the area was still flooded, but we were able to take a cab and then later walk to different neighborhoods.

At some point on this journey, the woman lost her mind. The grief was just too much for her-- her house, her whole family was gone. She began starting to see them in places they were not, and she refused to return with me to our shelter. I went on without her. It's actually a much more difficult journey back-- landmarks are gone, buildings are destroyed. I get very lost, and feel very unsafe.

When I returned to our shelter, despite the bleakness of bodies floating in the streets outside, things were on the up and up inside. When I entered the front door, I was greeted by a receptionist (?!) and I immediately yelled at her, "JAY. Where's JAY?!" She directed me up the stairs where I found him in a back room, setting up some kind of equipment. Now, what you have to realize is that everyone else I know in the entire world is dead, and I've just had a very difficult journey back. I am OVERJOYED to see him-- but that's not the same vibe I'm getting from him. He's nervous. He didn't really expect me to come back.

A tall, skinny, bubbly blonde bounces over to us. "I'm leaving now, Jay!" she declares, blowing him a kiss. "I'll call you later."

He explains that a week is a long time. He thought I was dead.

I woke up and couldn't stop crying.


----------


I don't know what any of this means, but I hope to God it isn't any kind of foreshadowing. I've really had enough problems in my life already.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Ugh.

It's eleven o'clock at night. I've worked and gone to school, and now I'm staring at a blank computer screen.


I'm just waiting for something interesting to happen, but it's not going to.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I hate when people in higher ranked positions then I cannot do their jobs.

About a week ago, my inbox was graced by a newsletter sent out of my community college.

Actually, now that I think of it, there were two of them. The first looked *exactly* like spam, but for some reason I opened it anyway. When I discovered it was from my college, I sent the author an email suggesting they add the college's abbreviation to the subject heading to prevent deletion.

Later, I received the second newsletter. Other then a few misspellings (because spell check must just be too hard to use), it was a decent newsletter and had some important information in it. I copied down some of the dates.

Two days later, a correction was sent out: they had completely messed up the date for early registration, it was in November, not October. Okay. ::fixes calendar::

A day after that, there was another correction. Transfer day wasn't actually this week, it is 2 weeks from now. Alright. ::fixes calendar::

This morning, I woke up to an email that read "[This newsletter] sent by [author] has been recalled."

The ENTIRE newsletter. They recalled the entire thing.

How hard is it to fact-check an email before sending it out to the ENTIRE campus?

The part that infuriates me the most is that this woman is the Executive Assistant to the college PRESIDENT. I'm willing to bet she gets paid much more then I do.

I can forgive a few mistakes... but, sheesh.

Clustermap.

Every day I investigate my clustermap to see that more people that I don't actually know are reading this.

(Yes, for some reason, my readers extend beyond my closest friends and my mom!)
(uh.. I hope my mom doesn't actually read any of this...)

All I have to say is... psst! You people over there in Italy reading my blog! What are you DOING? If I was in Italy I sure as hell wouldn't be reading blogs!

I guess it's all relative.

-----


I have been poring over the new IKEA catalog lately. I'm completely in love. Every time I pick up an IKEA catalog I wish I could move to a big blank house and just... paint and decorate and create from the floor up.

Financially, of course, this will all have to wait.

For now, the boyfriend needs a new dresser, and I think there's a bedside table and some hanging organizers I'd like to take a look at...

(This post has been brought to you by todays secret word: BORING!)

And with that, I'm off to bed.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Sad.

An old friend of mine is dying.

I haven't seen him in months-- he was part of an old group of friends who mostly stabbed me in the back a long time ago. He wasn't at fault, but he was very close with many of the offending parties. In the long run, it was easier for me to cut ties then to deal with the bullshit.

He'd always been sick, and we all knew that. We visited him in the hospital often and tried to stay optimistic.

I last ran into him at a late night showing of Labyrinth. I was dressed as David Bowie. He was wheeling around an oxygen tank.

(He's 26 years old, by the way.)

Now he's on a feeding tube, bedridden, pumped full of pain meds, and the Doctors are saying it's 'just a matter of time'.

I don't know what to do. I had tried to reach out to him in the past... he had a standing invitation to karaoke but he never showed up for it. I sent him emails trying to catch up (we used to have Zombie Movie Nights at his house... I mentioned missing them & wanting to get together for them again ). He never responded.

I don't know if it was because he didn't want to, or maybe he was just too sick to. Or maybe he was embarrassed about being sick?

I have been crying on and off about this all day. Just because we knew this was coming didn't make things any easier. I don't know what I should do. I want to visit him, but at the same time I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I don't know if he was ignoring me on purpose, or even if he's coherent.

I'm so sad that everything had to work out this way.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Celebration!!!

I just got the results back from the Pharmacy National Certification Exam I took the other day...


...I PASSED!!!


There will be much celebrating this weekend!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

My adventures with "Dirty Ebay"


Did you all know that there actually exists an "adult" version of our beloved eBay?

I hadn't known until a year or two ago, when I somehow stumbled on it completely by accident. There were tons of auctions, so I searched around for a little while looking for anything unusual that my local porn store might not have carried. And I found it.

"It" was made of cheap plastic, colored either pink, blue or white, and called simply "The clit-sucker". I couldn't understand why my porn store wouldn't stock anything like this (we all know vibrators with tongues SOUND like a good idea but come up short.) and I jumped at the chance to order one. It was fairly cheap, about $10. I paid immediately and waited for it to arrive.

This first one I received was broken, but after I informed the eBayer, he sent out a new one that reached me the next day. I thought it was odd that these packages had no cardboard insert (you know, the one with the half naked women on it that *usually* accompany any sex toy?) but I figured maybe he didn't want to get sued for reselling some other companies product... or, something.

Okay, no, I didn't really give it that much thought. I was presented with a piece of plastic that I was told was going to suck my clit. I wasn't exactly thinking clearly.

I rushed to try it out, but wound up pretty dissapointed. There was a definite suction, that I have to admit was scary to watch at first-- but beyond that, it didn't really feel all that great. It was cast into my Sex Bag, where it stayed, lonely, for years.

----

About 6 months ago, I was investigating a local dollar store with my boyfriend, and found myself in the "Health and Beauty" aisle. I browsed rows of store-brand soaps, cotton swabs, and the like... until I found it.

IT being-- my clit sucker.

I was immediately mortified at having been had-- my "clit-sucker" was actually a mass produced PORE CLEANSER, that some fairly smart person had bought (for a dollar each, no less!), removed the insert from, and resold for a rather substantial profit.

I showed my boyfriend and asked if it looked familar to him. He said yes, but he thought I had known what it was all along and simply had chosen to use it for.... alternative uses.

I wish I had that kind of foresight!

(photo yoinked from RichardSharp.com)