Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Years Eve

I'm one of those people who gets horribly depressed on New Years Eve. As a teenager, I used to lock myself in my room crying... sometimes contemplating suicide, sometimes burning myself. (I was a little bit of a sicko.)

This year I have promised my therapist I will not dwell on the things that happened or didn't happen within the last year.

As far as I am (immediately) concerned, (if I don't pick things apart too much) I'm healthy, I still have a job, a car, a roof over my head, and a great boyfriend.

Instead, I'm focusing on things that I welcome in the new year.

-Good health. I quit smoking about three weeks ago, through no real "choice" of my own, but I'm going to try to keep at it. When it comes down to it, I had been smoking for a long time (almost 7 years) and while it helps keep my weight down, it's really not good for me. The thing that keeps me going? I'm determined to spoil myself with the money I'm saving. $30 purse? Well... sure! I saved at least $50 this month by not smoking. Why not?
(Also, I joined a gym this month, although as of yet, I'd been too sick to go to it. I fully intend on going often, and hopefully decreasing my weight even more.)

-A better job. I applied for what sounds like an amazing job for me, and now I play the waiting game. It's a bit of a hike, but the money is good and it sounds like I'd operate completely of my own devices, which is ideal. I'm sick of work related drama and assholes I can't trust.

-Less debt. I paid off one credit card (the smallest balance, unfortunately, so it's really not that big of a deal.) and I intend to use ALL of my tax return to pay off at least two other "store" credit cards. After that, I'll have only two credit cards left, and hopefully it will be easier to handle only two payments.

-Less STUFF, but more "better" stuff. I'm cleaning the hell out of my closet/dresser and keeping only my favorite pieces. I'm replacing ratty, too-big or too-small clothing with things that fit, and I fully intend on getting some key wardrobe pieces tailored and mended. Getting rid of the millions of pairs of shoes I don't wear, and uncomfortable socks. Selling books. Getting rid of pointless household things. Less is more.

-Keep the apartment cleaner. Jay & I CANNOT get it together when it comes to this. I clean, he messes it up. He cleans, I mess it up. We really need to get in the habit of picking up after ourselves immediately, because it's getting ridiculous.

-Read more. No doubt the Kindle will help in this regard!

I'd also at least like to get to New York City again this year. It's been too long since my last trip.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Christmas Haul:

(a little late)

Considering my family set a $25 spending limit this year, I fared FAR better then I should have in the gift department.

All in all, I got...

-a gift card to the hair salon from my stepfather
-a gift card to the nail salon from my stepfather
-MakeUp Forever "Aqua Eyes" from my mother (it's supposed to be a really amazing, completely waterproof/smudgeproof black eyeliner. I'll tell you up front that it's CRAP.)
-Viva La Juicy perfume from my mother, to replace the old bottle that I had mysteriously lost
-A $25 gift card to Barnes & Noble from Jay, for a Quill and Ink set that I wanted. I was also able to get a coffee and a new notebook.
-Face lotion from Jay
-A variety of little lotions/body washes from Bath and Body Works from Jay

and, BEST of all...... a KINDLE! (from Jay)

The Kindle I have wanted forEVER, but considering it's price, I was resigned for having to save for it. I figured MAYBE in a year or so I would be able to afford it. I didn't even ask for it for Christmas.

It's just... amazing. Considering I'm trying my damnedest to be a minimalist, this was really the most perfect gift ever.

(This has actually lit quite a fire under me. I'll be taking my shoes to a used-clothing store, my old books to a used book store, and making a huge tax-deductible donation to Goodwill this weekend. I hope to have a much lighter bedroom/closet, and perhaps a slightly heavier wallet.)

All in all, Christmas was great. There was a bit of unpleasantness regarding a convenient store THIEF (whoops, I mean... cashier) who played a slight-of-hand game with a winning $100 lottery ticket... but I'll get more into that, later.

What did you get for Christmas?

Monday, December 21, 2009

On a less gross note--

Do any of you lovely ladies out there have size 10, 11 or 12 feet?

I have two (maybe three...) pairs of shoes in my closet that I no longer wear.

Two are boots, one is a pair of (giant) platform Mary Janes.

One pair of boots I have worn only once-- I love them, and used to have a similar pair in a size 10, but I could only find them again in a 12, and figured... no biggie, at least they're not too small!

Wrong. I wore them only once like I said, to work, and after only a 4 hour shift of (barely) moving around in them, my muscles were very angry. And continued to be so for about a week.

Lesson? Buying shoes two sizes too big hurts, albeit hurts differently then buying them two sizes too small.

Anyway, if enough people are interested, I figured I'd host a blog give-away. These shoes are all in super condition, and I'm probably never going to wear them again.

Let me know, and I'll scrounge up some pictures to show you what you're dealing with :)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Not sexy.

(This entry is gross, and includes gross booger pictures. Consider yourself warned.)

I've spent the past few days since school has been out being decidedly NOT sexy.

Dirty hair, dirty yoga pants. Eating ice cream straight from the carton like a true American woman. Napping whenever possible.

None of this by choice, however. I've been miserable with a cold. Super sore throat, cloudy head, dry cough, froggy voice, & this weird kind of congestion I've never had before.

I would blow my nose a million times, but nothing would come up. I would cough and felt like I SHOULD be bringing something up, but I wasn't. You wouldn't know I was congested, except I was suddenly able to make this weird "purring" noise back in my sinuses, which is... well, not normal.

Today I got fed up. I was going to blow my nose... HARD.

What finally came out was so amazing I had to take a picture:
No, I didn't get a bottlecap out of my sinuses.. that was simply for reference.

That giant gross glob of mostly HARD snot came entirely out of my left nostril after one really hard blow. And now I'm happy to report that the LEFT side of my head feels pretty damn good, while my right still hurts.

(And the flash made the boogers look more bloody then they really were, so don't worry, I'm not nosebleed-city over here. )

Don't ask why I took a picture. I was partly proud of this weird thing my body had cooked up, and partly thought "If I don't take a picture no one will ever believe it was REALLY that big!"

Not that I go around bragging about my snot all the time... but... whatever.

I swear by the time I blog next I will be clean and healthy, and blog about far more interesting things then what comes out of my nose.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Halfway there...

Yesterday I took (and probably failed) my Biology II exam.

Today I took, and passed with an 85, my computer exam. I was really worried about failing the class, but the teacher gave me B-. Score!

Tonight I turn in my half-finished work (the math portion of my brain died two weeks ago and left me completely unable to complete any of my work) and struggle through my math final. Last I checked, I had a B+ in this class, but I'm not sure that grade is going to hold steady. As long as I pass, I don't really care!

Tomorrow I have no classes (hurray! I can clean!) and then Thursday I have my last Creative Writing class.

I'm not too worried about anything except my Biology grade. I just hope she passes me. Last I heard I had a 64 average :(

Saturday, December 12, 2009

...are you sure it's December?

The other morning, I woke up to snow.

By 5:30 that night, I was on my way to class during a huge thunderstorm with torrential rain.

I wanted to hear Christmas music, so I scanned the radio three times to find the channel that plays non-stop Christmas music.

It wasn't there.

... are you sure it's December?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Today marks the receipt of my first-ever rejection letter from a publishing company.

It's a weird feeling. Instead of being sad or angry (I was naturally disappointed, but just a little bit!) I was instead inspired. As soon as I got the rejection, I high-tailed it to my favorite website ever and submitted not one, not two, but four different pieces. It somehow managed to light a fire under my ass!

I even, in my sudden ambition, submitted a piece to The New Yorker.

I'll admit, I've only read The New Yorker maybe once, in a doctors waiting room or something. But a good friend of mine read Times Square, 2011 and said (and I quote, because I've committed it to memory!) "You should go on to write for The New Yorker or something, that was brilliantly written."

So I thought, hey, why not?

Rejection (and eventual acceptance!) is only a few copy-paste-clicks away!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The shunning of Twilight

I tend to shun things that are immediately popular, and outrageously so.

Like, Harry Potter. I went for a good three years, I think, refusing to see the movie. Everyone told me I'd love it, but I stood my ground... until the third movie came out. I caught up on the first two, loved them, and ended up seeing the third one at a midnight show, dressed as Hermione.

Now... Twilight.

I am so skeptical of this one. Middle aged married women, drooling over teenage vampires? I mean... c'mon, what is this? It just sounds like a watered down romance novel that has the country addicted.

I decided that I would eventually read it, just to see what all the fuss was about.

But, after seeing this, I guess I no longer have to. :)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Goals For Next Year:

Instead of jumping on the usual bandwagon of New Years Resolutions, I'm going to simply post what I would like to have accomplished by this time next year.

Hopefully, I will pass all my classes this semester (I've fallen behind in a few of them, but I hope I can still squeak by) & will only have to take 2 more classes before graduation.

  • Work full time. Due to circumstances at work, me having my ideal 8-4 or 9-5 Monday through Friday shift is finally becoming a possibility.
  • Minimize my stuff and keep my apartment CLEAN. This was near impossible when I was working two jobs and going to school full time, but I'm hoping it will be easier come January.
  • Pay off some more bills. I intend on using my entire tax return to pay off at least one or 2 smaller credit card balances, and from there, plus the extra money coming in from finally getting a decent work schedule, I should be able to spare more per week to square down the rest of my debts.
  • Save "fun" money! I want to be able to run away to NYC, Boston, or even Florida for the weekend. I'm tired of having to forgo $60 Regina Spektor concerts that are only 30 miles away.
  • ULTIMATE TRIP ALERT: My next Christmas, I want to be able to go to NYC, skate at Rockefeller Center, see The Nutcracker (or the Radio City Music Hall Christmas show), and do other cliche NYC things. I've been trying to do this for YEARS but it's never came to fruition.
  • Publish something. Anything! I'm working on a Chapbook, but if that doesn't work, self-publish, if only to have my work in one place (bound up all nicely) and backed up!
  • Clean most of my old stuff out of my mom's house. I shouldn't have TWO houses full of crap! And so much of that stuff is just unnecessary!

What's your one-year plan?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Giving thanks

I'm jumping on the Thanksgiving band wagon, here.

Things I am thankful for:
  • Having understanding landlords, a roof over my head, a car to drive and food to eat, after what was a very financially trying year.
  • Jay getting a new job that pays him well, gives him full-time hours, and seems to be downright enjoyable for him.
  • Stef beating cancer! :)
  • Danielle moving back to the area.
  • Having Edwina as a teacher, and being inspired to write all over again
  • Getting the opportunity to finally work for a portrait studio
  • School being free... and me, almost being done with it!
  • My math teacher... for helping me get a B+ for the first time ever.
  • My employers, for finally not blindly using favoritism. And for buying coffee the last two times I've been at work.
  • Fate. For... y'know, just being... fateful.
Things I am NOT thankful for:

  • Collection agencies and credit card companies.
  • My computer teacher. He's unforgivably rude, but thinks he's funny.
  • People who don't return phone calls/emails.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Message in a bottle....

12 days ago, I threw out a message in a bottle.

I told fate, "Go ahead and do what you will. If it's not meant to be, I get it, I'll move on."

Today, fate intervened.

I'm still flabbergasted.

(That's all I'm going to say on the matter for now.)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Today's thoughts.

I don't like to censor my blog.

But in this case, it seems I have to... at least until things blow over at work.

So I will leave you with the words of Kid Rock:

"You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve."

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Things my boss should have told me in training.

Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy working alone, as I'm able to operate effectively and I really am more confident and comfortable when there isn't someone breathing down my neck.

That being said, I was skeptical about this new job when the boss spend about 6 days training us (most of this time was spent doing computer modules) and then let us run the studio by ourselves.

I took very diligent notes during my training, figuring that I would need them later.

Here are things that I have NOT been taught, that keep coming up.

-I was told by a co-worker that my boss wanted me to vacuum tonight. No problem. Co-worker then left speedily. As I was performing the closing duties, I looked around for the vacuum and there wasn't one. Only a steam cleaner for the backdrops.

-We're never updated as to when the sales start/end. I sometimes come in to an empty studio and work alone all night, with absolutely no knowledge of what our current 'specials' are. I was asked by three different people today when certain sales end, & I couldn't give them a definite answer.

-The employees only room? The one I need to go into and drop off the key every night? My boss told me that there wasn't a code for the door. Which was great... until I found myself locked out. There is most definitely a code.

-When putting away the camera one day, I asked a co-worker where the lens cap was. She told me there wasn't one. I asked her if she was sure, telling her that it seemed strange. She assured me there wasn't one. Today I was told "make sure you're putting the lens cap on the camera...a few people who close haven't been doing it." *sigh*

-Why do I give you my schedule if you just continue to put me on for hours I'm working at my other job? I don't get it.

-I discovered today that not only do I not have the ability to transfer calls that have come to me in error, but I also don't have the actual MAIN store phone number written anywhere. So if someone calls me saying "Oh, I thought this was the number for the front store", I can't assist them by giving them the correct number.

-I have still not been trained on using the passport camera, nor do I know how prices run. I've had to turn away 2 separate families who needed passport pictures (no one else knows how to do them, either, only the manager.)

-I had to call the help desk on my own and figure out how to cancel a sale that was rung through mistakenly. (That was a total shot in the dark, but luckily it worked out!)

All and all, I love what I'm doing and the chance for creativity that my job gives me. I really love seeing the finish product, and the whole thing is a lot of fun. But the feeling that I don't have the required training to do my job WELL is aggravating. I hate having to shrug and say, "Sorry, I'm new... but the manager will be in tomorrow & she can answer your question."

Friday, November 20, 2009

Tonight's Coffeehouse

I read at the coffeehouse tonight, and it went very well. (Although why they insist on serving only Decaf, I will never understand!) I wish there were more poetry nights I could get involved in... it's so nice to hear the little approving murmur of the crowd after I finish speaking.

I read Times Square 2011 (again, I know. It remains my favorite!) and a quick but beautiful piece that I had found while going through my notebooks at my mom's house. I apparently wrote it in 2002, but I was shocked with it's depth when I read it over again.

I'm gathering bits and pieces for a possible chap-book publishing soon. I'm very excited at the possibility and hope it works out. My passion for writing has been rekindled with a vengeance lately. (Thank you, Edwina!)

I'm off to bed now... I have 2 long days of work ahead of me, and a day of baby sitting for the cutest little boy. I'm both excited and a little nervous about that, seeing as I haven't baby sat in years.

Goodnight everyone!

Sunday, November 15, 2009


It's amazing all the shit that I've managed to gather up in the 25 years of my life.

I was at my mom's house earlier today with some friends and found so much stuff I didn't even know I still had... letters, photos (we found my old photo book from all my dark room work in my first year of college!)... it was insane.

I've been trying to organize ALL of my writing in a neat and reasonable way... but damn, it's hard. I have an entire toybox filled with old notebooks and scraps of paper... and today we found a HUGE cardboard box full of more notebooks/scraps of paper that I didn't even know existed.

I was able to fill up one three ring binder with my "early" works. (Read: stories about my teddy bear, that eventually progressed to stories about actual people...! Watching my handwriting "grow up" was really cool.) There are still tons of notebooks left. Ugh, what a project.

But, some things never change. Out of everything I found, only 3 or 4 stories that were actually completed. The rest start off strong with good ideas, but then were just abandoned! No conclusion, or even any hasty notes scribbled down to remind me WHERE I WAS GOING with the story. Auuuugh.

I've been toying with the idea of compiling EVERYTHING and using a service like lulu to publish... for no reason besides I'd like to minimize my clutter, and having everything bound into one book would be perfect. (And I also love that lulu keeps your book in it's marketplace, so that if I ever misplaced my book, or godforbid there was a fire or something, I could simply order another one.)

My one fear is that there's something in lulu's fine print. If I publish through them for my own piece of mind, and then want to publish one of those works through another company... would I be able to? Is there some clause in the contract stating that I would be bound to them?

I don't have much of a legal brain when it comes to contracts, and for this reason alone, I've held off.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Old conversations.

I've been going through my old livejournal lately, out of boredom I guess.

I used to use my livejournal for everything. I'd privatize links and notes to myself, and I updated like crazy... sometimes up to 10 times a day.

I'd save old conversations sometimes, if they made me laugh or made me think... and I've found quite a few between an old flame and myself. To be honest, it's amusing and painful at the same time. I miss the way he made me feel.

I went for a long time without thinking about him, but all of a sudden he won't leave my mind. Sometimes I want to contact him and demand some answers... ask him what he was thinking, that year he spent with me, unconfined by an official "title". Ask him if I ever meant anything to him... because he sure as hell meant a lot to me. I was terrified to admit it at the time, but I loved him.

He got back with his ex a mere 6 days after he spent the night in my bed. After telling me that he didn't believe in relationships at this stage of his life. After crying as he 'dumped' me.

I will never understand it. I mean... "he's just not that into you" makes sense... but what I felt between us was intense. I can't imagine he just... didn't feel it.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

*phew* that's over with!

Today I worked my second shift alone at the portrait studio.

(Last night, I worked alone as well, but it was very low-key and I had everything under control.)

Today, I had two sits within 40 minutes of each other, which meant I had to be on top of everything! It was nerve wracking at points (like, when I couldn't figure out why a coupon code wasn't working, couldn't find the sales log, and then processed a separate sale before remembering to put a coupon code in)

I managed to get through the whole thing with only calling my boss once (to guide me when the coupon wasn't working) the help desk once (to cancel the first sale with the incorrect total) and a co-worker once (to find out where the damn sales log was!)

The pictures came out really well, and posing them wasn't as terribly hard as I had feared. People are open to suggestion, and also like coming up with ideas of their own. Plus, these are their children you're photographing. As long as the kids are smiling, not blinking, and you didn't chop off the top of their heads-- they're pretty much going to love the photo.

Everyone was very nice and understanding about everything, and all in all, it wasn't as horrible as I had feared. (Although I'll admit there were times that I was definitely sweating!)

Now that I know I can manage all this on my own, I'm sure to be more confident next time.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Another weird dream...

Last night, I had a very odd dream that left me very unsettled for most of the day.

I don't remember all of it, so I will try to explain the specific feelings it gave me, more then the plot.

I was living in a city, around the same age I am now (or maybe slightly older) and I had just met a new circle of friends. We all lived in a big warehouse that also had a club in it. It was very different then my normal life AND my normal social circle. I was very close with all these people and there was an overwhelming feeling of kindness and trust that exuded from all of them. I get the impression that we were all party animals, and we were all more likely to be found in the club more often then in our upstairs apartments.

During one part of the dream, we were all sitting cross-legged in a circle on the floor of the club, and someone was passing around little black pills. We all took one without asking what it was, and after we had put them in our mouths, the person passing them out informed us they were "black acid" pills. A few of my friends looked at me in concern and told me that I had better spit it out, and they watched me wide-eyed to see what affect it was going to have on me. I had sucked the outer coating off of the pill, and spit it out. I was already feeling the effects, and told them not to worry-- that it was a similar high to being stoned but without the paranoia. I was fine, and felt good, only things were moving a little slower then usual...

During the next part of this dream, I met a guy. I don't really remember what he looks like, but do remember he was attractive and slightly older. He and I spent the night hanging out, and although I don't remember what we did, I remember the feeling of being with him was so amazing. We were laughing and talking, and everything just felt... right. I felt safe, and content, and I completely trusted this guy even though I had only just met him. It felt incredible. It was that giddy, light-hearted feeling that you get from a first date that goes well, only so much more then that.

(honestly, this reminds me a little bit of how it felt meeting Zach... buttt that's another story.)

This guy felt the same way about me. I don't remember anything about our conversation except for us deciding to 'prolong the magic' (lol) and not have sex, or label ourselves, or anything of that nature. We parted ways with plans to meet up again soon, and we went home with our heads in the clouds.

Now, this part becomes like a movie, as it's no longer from my point of view.

He's on his way home, driving a motorcycle through the city. It's dark, but the streets are well lit (pretty sure this was NYC.) and he's beaming as he drives. He is following behind a bus, when the bus suddenly slams on it's breaks.

He drives THROUGH the bus (think... Ghost. where Patrick Swayze can jump through trains.) and ends up in front of it.

He turns around, and hears a commotion... and sees himself dead, behind the bus. (Also, think Ghost.)

And then I woke up.

I have absolutely no idea what this dream means, but it left me very sad today.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Good only:

  • Jay started a new job today, & he's making more then we expected he would.
  • The dishes are clean
  • I finally got around to hard-boiling more eggs
  • The $30 purse I've had my eye on forever was knocked down to $19. I bought it :)
  • My raise at the pharmacy finally went through!
  • People in class liked my latest poem.
  • I upgraded my old phone to a Blackberry, and it's amaaaazing. It took me a little while to get used to it, and I was panicked that I was going to have to return it... but I stuck with it, and although texting is still annoying at times, I love it.
  • I'm getting a B+ so far in my math class!

(Why does my spell check not recognize the word 'texting'? Get with the times, spell check!)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Gripes Only:

-I spent $150 on a mattress and bedframe that wouldn't hurt your back, after spending $150 originally on a mattress and bedframe for "us". When I come home from work to find you sleeping on the couch... I'm going to be a little irritated. Not to mention, people sweat when they sleep. It's a lot easier to wash sheets then it is to clean an entire couch.

-I can't wait til everyone knows the truth about you.

-You ask me if there's a problem because I have a second job and I've been switching my schedule around. You ask me (for the second time) if I "want to work [there]". Well GEE. If you didn't boot me down to part time, schedule me only between 5-15 hours a week, AND take away all my benefits and vacation time, I wouldn't NEED another job.

-Did I mention that one of our employees is moving to another store, and they somehow feel that it is wise to HIRE SOMEONE ELSE??? When they can't afford to give us hours as it is? Ridiculous.

-I would like whatever computer system my debts are kept on to just... explode. Kablooey. Clean slate. Please.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Have you ever looked at someone and been overwhelmed with unanswered questions?

There's someone I know. We haven't spoke in a while, but we're still friends when we do see each other. There was no big falling out that took place.

This guy is dating another friend of mine (who I also haven't spoken with in a while... same scenario.). They seem to be very happy together, and I am also happy in my relationship.

Which makes this feeling very difficult.

I would never want to intentionally hurt this girl. It's not who I am. I would never in a million years make plans to steal her boyfriend, or anything of the like.

I would never go behind Jay's back, or break up with Jay to be with this guy.

But every time I see a photo of him, or recall a memory, the wonder of what we could have been is so unbearable it tears me up inside a little.

I don't like having regrets, and I also think that things like "soul mates" most likely don't exist.

...but what if they do, and this is how it feels to look at your unattainable soul mate?

...and what if he feels the same way?

I've never been faced with a scenario quite like this one. But I guess it doesn't require action, just reflection.

(New) Job Rant...

(...because things are never just GOOD in my job-life.)

So, I have to admit that the older I'm getting, the more I refuse to be treated a certain way by people in charge.

This is making it very difficult to work for people.

Usually it would just infuriate me that my pharmacy boss would insist on RE-calling phone numbers after I called them (because he didn't believe that I had actually done it) and follow me around while I do cycle counts to 'make sure I'm doing them'. (The real insult in this was that I have worked there for three years now. Can't you trust me to do my job? I've never given you cause to believe that I'm not capable.) But I could deal with it.

Now it's causing me a greater level of anxiety. I've been at my new job (2nd job) at the portrait studio for two weeks now, and the woman who I originally thought was awesome and was going to be a blast to work for, is showing her true colors.

It's nothing huge, yet. Today I was doing a sitting with two parents and a child, and she said quietly (she speaks RIDICULOUSLY quietly, and sometimes I have to ask her to repeat herself 4 times before I figure out what she's saying. Frustrating.) "Get mom and him." Since there were TWO males in the room, I asked her for clarification. She sighed loudly and said in an angry voice, "We've gone OVER this." like I was the worlds biggest idiot. Is it unreasonable to assume she could have meant EITHER male? We never went over ''him' means 'son''.

While there was a lot to learn in this job and I was expected to learn it all in a period of six days, I think I'm doing fairly well. I shot two families today, scheduled appointments, completed orders and rang them out. But with her it's not about what I'm doing well, it's about what I'm NOT doing. I'm not talking to the customers enough, I'm not making loud obnoxious baby noises enough. Ugh. As someone who works best with positive reinforcement, this is no good.

I don't think there's anything I hate more then people following me around and telling me what to do. If I have a problem or need help, I will ask for it. I just don't think she finds me very capable, and it's making what should be an amazing job very stressful. Last night, I had an anxiety attack just at the thought of going in today.

It's discouraging. I was very excited to finally land this job (after wanting it since 2002!) and now I'm disheartened. Am I not cut out for this, or is it just her?

In a way, I'm glad that this is only a seasonal position. I'll gain the experience and use it elsewhere.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Books, school and such

In this post I remembered that I was trying to read more books this year.

I managed to somehow NOT read a shitload of books over the summer, and now that the school year has started up again, I've read three:

-Girl, Interrupted (I loved the movie, had started the book about 10 years ago but had never finished it)
-Last Night In Montreal by Emily St. James Mandel (she's a friend of mine and sent me an autographed copy. And maybe I'm biased, but I loved the book and think everyone should read it. Check it out if you're looking for a new read!)
-Stumbling Into The Light by Edwina Trentham (Edwina is a teacher of mine, and she's an absolutely fantastic lady. This is a book of her poems, and again, I may be biased, but I loved them, too.)

This equals only seven books in 10 months... I've gotta kick it up a notch if I want to get to at least 12 by December!

I've been feeling very disorganized lately, which is making for some difficult times in school. There's only one full month left of school (I'm not counting the rest of October, since it's almost over, and I won't count December since we're only in school until the 15th or so, and a lot of that is finals time.) and I really need to get myself organized again & fix any past failures. I fear I'm barely scraping by in Biology, especially. I just need a C to pass! Then I don't have to worry about this crap ever again.

It's hard though, especially considering I just started a new job. There is SO MUCH to learn, and I literally spent 8 hours at work today and then 4 hours at school. I'm a tired girl. And although I would very much like to sleep and NOT exert any more effort, I really need to.

I'll see you once I unbury myself from under these textbooks...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The craziest dreams ever...

I had the absolute weirdest dream last night.

I can't remember the exact plot so here's what it involved:

-Obama put money into rebuilding the Community College's theaters, so they literally lifted our old auditorium out through the ceiling & we had to wait to get a new one. There was graffiti all over it.

-I was carrying a mattress home on my car, but no one would get out of my way so I just pulled over, picked up the mattress & started walking down the street with it. The parking lot of the place I work was all torn up and under construction. A woman stopped me & we were talking, and Jay came out of the pharmacy. The woman was tearing up papers and Jay got mad & asked her without looking up, "Why the hell are you doing that?" . He thought she was me.

-Jay & I lived upstairs from my mom, in a haunted 2 family house. There was a ghost in our mattress (no lie) and it literally was like having a 3rd person there while having sex. We were having sex while my mom was busy in the shower in the next room, and I told him to get up and shut the door. He went to shut it, but it didn't shut all the way and the next thing you know, my mom is barging in. It took her a minute to realize what was going on, and Jay was trying to cover up. She said something like "Please, I've seen bigger.". What's odd about this is that in the dream, Jay's penis was like 14 inches long. Crazy.

In this same house, there were two guys who were trying to rob us. Not of anything big, and they weren't ransacking the place... just looking for our cell phones & iPods. I ended up stashing everything in a Coach purse & I kept throwing it random places thinking, "They won't think to look there!" but then thinking better of it and moving it to somewhere even more obscure.

-I was suddenly in some town that was being stampeded by Dinosaurs. Except the Dinosaurs looked like huge, bulky, misshapen cows. (I couldn't come up with this stuff on my own if I tried.) Apparently, they had lived in this town forever and the townspeople were always being tortured by them. I met up with the townspeople & we tried to get away from the Dinocows. I remember heading to water (because "cows can't swim." I don't know if this is true or not, but in the dream it was.) but it didn't work. Then we tried getting behind the stampede and running with it... when all else failed, I met up with some girls who had a "secret"... the basement of their house was actually a structure from Pompeii (during the volcano) and everything in it had been preserved. For some reason, we took this to mean that it was exceptionally strong,and we holed up down there to wait out the Dinocows.

There was a fridge down there and I was like, "Wow, you're so prepared for a disaster! How long is the food in there going to last us?" And the girl opened the fridge & said, "Uh.. I've only got 2 TV dinners in here."
So much for a bomb shelter!

That's all I remember for now...

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Irritating superstitions.

So... most superstitions are just silly things that don't normally happen... like, don't walk under a ladder. How often is there actually a propped up ladder to walk under, anyway?

But there's one superstition that my mother recently introduced me to (yes, all my neurotic superstitions are inherited family traits) that I run into EVERY DAMN WEEK.

It is bad luck to sew on Sundays.

I would be much better off if I had never heard of this, because ALL my sewing used to be done on Sundays. Sunday is ALWAYS the day that I find myself sitting around going, "What should I be doing? Oh! I know, I'll sew." Sunday is the day I most typically have off.

And now, because of some bad juju, I'm afraid (yes, afraid) to sew on Sundays. Because don't I have ENOUGH bad luck? I can't just go around knowingly making it worse... what if something awful were to happen, and I had SEWN on that day? The Catholic Guilt (another inherited trait, I don't even consider myself Catholic) would eat me up inside.

The time has come for me to decide whether or not I'm going to let silly superstitions rule my life. I have sat idly by on many a Sunday with visions of dresses, purses and long, stripe-y gloves dancing in my head. I am getting NOTHING DONE. I must sew!

Are you ruled by superstitions? Have you had any odd coincidences that make you believe in them?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Good:

I'm wearing a size 8 (EIGHT!!) hand-me-down dress given to me by a good friend of mine.
The only thing it's tight on are my BOOBS. :D

The bad:

I haven't been able to afford cigarettes in about a week, and because of this I can already feel myself starting to pork up again.


Friday, October 16, 2009

Good, bad, and indifferent


I was just denied the chance to audition for a Beatles tribute band because I'm female.

(I realize I should have probably seen this one coming, but I can sing Beatles songs fairly well & I was blinded by excitement.)


A girl I graduated high school with might have a full time job for Jay!!!

& I start training for the photo studio job on Monday :D

The Indifferent:

...I guess there isn't any right now...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

"Agents for the rest of us."

I think there should be Agents for normal people, not just stars.

For example, my agent would be:

-keeping track of my homework & reminding me of when things are due
-acting as a secretary for all these stupid bills
-scheduling all major doctor, dentist and eye appointments, and making sure the appropriate insurance cards get charged (don't even get me STARTED on this one right now. Let's just say I owe my MD $500 for something that insurance should have paid.)
-finding me new jobs and assuring they fit into my schedule
-scheduling me to appear at social events and insuring I look perfect

Also, a publicist would be good to make the stupid shit that comes out of my mouth sound tactful for once.

I would also love someone on call to give me a manicure, pedicure, and eyebrow wax. (I have gone without these for months & it's getting a bit scary.)

And, hell. An assistant who made sure I had a Caramel Macchiato every morning would really be the best.

What would your agent/assistant/publicist be doing?

Monday, October 12, 2009

& the family keeps growing

So my cousin's wedding was this weekend. I was a little nervous about it, seeing as at my LAST family event (not counting funerals...) I was a little bit harassed by people saying, "Oh, you're next." and basically putting unfair pressure on me to pop out babies/get married.

Luckily, I didn't hear any of that this time! It was a very low-key event. I brought Jay to it, and he was bored senseless during the beginning when he was forced to hang out with the older part of my family & my other cousin's twin babies.

After a while, he broke free & we hung out with some people more our age, which was fun. They invited us back to a bonfire at their house afterward, which we went to & had fun at. It seems that this marriage has allotted me three new cousins, all of which seem pretty cool (AND are closer to my age then my other cousins!).

This week, unfortunately Jay & I are headed to a funeral for a good friend of his. It's a very tragic story and the guy was very young... it's going to be a difficult funeral.

That's all I have for news at the moment! But hopefully I'll be updating about GOOD news on the job front very soon :)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Open Mic Night

So today, I unexpectedly got out of class early and ended up going to the Coffeehouse, which is a great little poetry & open mic night that's set up by my favorite.teacher.ever.

I texted Jay to come by, and he did-- with a piece he wanted to read. I said I wanted to read but wasn't sure what I should share... all I could think of off of my head was Times Square, 2011. So I rushed to the computer lab & printed it out, and read it. :)

So Jay & I both read at the open mic part of the night, and it went over really well. I'm still excited about it... it was the first time I'd ever done anything like that!

The strangest part was... there was a girl in the audience who is friends with the guy who inspired Times Square, 2011. I don't know if she recognized me, or if the thought even crossed her mind, but it was definitely interesting to read it in front of her.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Bucket list recap

So, some time ago I wrote up my "Bucket List". (see this post.)

Oddly enough, I seem to have left something out of the list-- BUT, I did it today, so I can write it in and scratch it off all at once.

I rode an elephant!

Pictures to prove it will come soon, my friends took some but I don't have them yet :)

How are you all doing on YOUR bucket lists?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Step One In Realizing The Dream:

Jay & I were talking today, and I threw out an idea.
I phrased it in a silly way, and mostly made a joke out of it, but it's really something I'd like to do.

Just... up and leave. Go to were the jobs are. Explore places. Rent out a room, stay for only a little while. Live out of a suitcase. (It's already half packed.)

He asked my why I don't do this... and the only answer I have is...


If I knew that I could go somewhere and find work... even just odd jobs on the side... and it would be enough to feed me & maybe even keep me in a youth hostel for a month, I would do it. I would be gone. I'd be sending you all exotic post cards, meeting fabulous people.

I've always talked about the "Couch Tour of America". I have people in Florida, London, Boston, New York, California (& maybe others I can't think of off the top of my head) that I could crash with for a week or more.

But... I have $6,000 in debt that will not just "go away" or even "wait for me" while I go on a traveling spree. Nope. If I don't make those payments?

They'll double. And triple. And the APR (that is already teetering on a whopping 29%!) will double. And triple.

And I'll come home to what essentially will be a MORTGAGE.

Sooo... we hold off on living the dream for awhile.

I seriously need to win the lottery or something.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Autumn cleaning, job prospects, and more...

So, I've been tearing apart my closet and I set myself a new rule:

If I don't LOVE it, and it doesn't fit PERFECTLY-- out it goes.

I test the "fit" of something (i.e: pants) by putting them on and buttoning them, and then giving a little tug. If I'm able to pull the pants completely off without unbuttoning them? Out!

So I'm happy to report that this tactic has resulted in a huge pile of clothes that will be soon given to a friend of mine who has gained some baby-weight. And she in turn is giving me her old clothes. A new wardrobe for zero dollars?? Sounds awesome to me! I can't wait :)

I also went through my underwear drawer.. yikes! I had no idea I had so many bras/panties/pairs of tights that I absolutely HATE! Why do I keep them?! Out they go! (bye bye, hundreds of dollars worth of Victoria's Secret products...)

Oh my god, and... I tried on my high school, torn to bits, favorite EVER H&M jeans. Y'all know the ones I mean... and they FIT! For some reason, it didn't occur to me that since I dropped to a size 11, my highschool jeans might fit. But they DID. And I was so happy. But, unfortunately they are still ripped beyond wearing... otherwise, I'd live in them all over again!

I have a job interview today. It's for the portrait studio at Target, a job I have wanted (no lie) since 2002. I worked for Target as a cashier for 3 years, and during that time I ALWAYS lusted after working in the photo studio... but whenever I went to apply, they either weren't hiring, or it was only for seasonal work. But now, a good 7 years later, I have an interview!!! I am so stoked.

In other news, school totally sucks (I got a 56 on my Biology II test...the class average was a 65, and 11 students got a D. And yet, the teacher blames US.) but I'm pulling through. The Creative Writing class really is what gets me through the week!

Oh, and I somehow managed to eat an entire jar of peanut butter in a week. For some reason, ALL I want lately is peanut butter. I've been slathering it on bananas and apples like it's going out of style.

I dyed my hair a few days ago... I am officially a brunette again. It feels WEIRD after a good 5 years or so of being a redhead. It's as close as I could get to what (I think) my natural color is, so hopefully when it grows out, there won't be roots showing and I can stop with all this stupid expensive wasteful hair dyeing!

Off to get ready for my interview now. Everyone cross your fingers!!! I am so determined to get this one, it's not even funny.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Why does it seem that when I'm at my worst financially, yet working my hardest, that I can't turn off that part of me that... desires EVERYTHING?

I'll go for a very long time without buying myself anything... and then somehow my mind goes, "You DESERVE stuff! Look at how good you have been! Look how hard you have been working! You aced that test/worked an extra shift/had a bad day. You need to spoil yourself a little."

That inner voice can be VERY hard to ignore.

Granted, I am downsizing. An entire summer full of selling my belongings at tag sales has seen to this. My wants are all about minimizing, improving upon something I already have, or making my health better.

  • Bento box. (I ordered the cheapest one I could find on ebay. I decided that it would be easier for me to eat more healthy if I plan out my meals and pre-package them. And for some reason, my apartment has a Tupperware Monster (much like a Sock Monster that lives in a dryer.) so I'm hoping my Bento will be safe from harm.
  • This umbrella. Face it, it's adorable. And it folds up small. AND, I don't have an umbrella currently. (I drank my weight of vodka about a month ago and left my umbrella behind as I was carried out of a party)
  • This dress. I need a dress for my cousin's upcoming wedding... and this one would definitely become my new wear-all-the-time dress afterwards. I would throw out 4 dresses just to have this dress! I've been watching it on ebay for about 6 months now. I WILL own it some day.
  • This necklace. So, this really doesn't count as downsizing, and it's not functional... but it's something I've envisioned for a long time, and I really, really want it. It would also quickly become a wear-all-the-time item.
  • This blanket. I love Kim Casali and the entire "Love Is..." series. And yes, the last thing I
    "need" is another blanket... but I'd like to roll this one up and keep it in my suitcase. It would roll up very small, and double (and triple) as a towel and beach blanket.
  • A blackberry. It sounds silly to some people, but I really NEED mobile web and email. I'm waiting til I get a better job, though, seeing as the data charges are sure to kill me.
  • A Kindle. They're actually remarkably affordable, considering you can get free books from Amazon. I bought a CD with 95 classic books on it, and hopefully I can save the money to get a Kindle eventually. This will be VERY helpful when it comes to downsizing, seeing as I can get rid of almost ALL of my books, and all of my bookcases. The only ones I plan on keeping are my first-edition Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut, and 2 books that were written (and autographed) by friends of mine.
  • A haircut. (Okay. This has nothing to do with downsizing and everything to do with my own vanity.)
  • A photobook. I made one last year when a friend and I went to NYC... but now I want to make one that includes all of my essential, favorite photographs-- including very old family photos. The idea is, if my other photos are in storage somewhere and they get wrecked, I will still have my favorite photos in a neatly bound little book, so I won't have to mourn too much. This project requires a scanner, which I don't have.
  • Really GREAT underwear. When I first got my Victoria's Secret charge card 3 (or so...?) years ago, my plan was to use the coupons they mailed out every month to buy one killer bra & panty set. Then, by the end of the year, I'd have an awesome underwear-drobe. But, the problem is... most of Victoria's Secret's stuff is NOT HOT. So I'm left with some pretty gnarly (and now, 3 year old!) unmentionables. Unfortunately, I don't know where to buy some really hot underthings. This requires some research.

Did I ever explain my desire to be able to live comfortably out of just one suitcase?

Actually, I don't think I really *can* explain it just yet, because I don't understand it quite myself. But there is a great "escapist" aspect of my personality, which makes me want to run away, or at the very least BE ABLE to run, at a moments notice. I feel like living out of a suitcase, while of course being quite strange, will offer me some comfort and consistency.

I'm strange, I know.

And broke. So these things will evade me for some time.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Luck, turning around?

I had my job interview today.

I don't really know how it went, as job interviews can be pretty misleading nowadays. It seemed to go well, but I don't expect too much.

After that, I got to school and found out they were giving out free food.

I got closer & realized they were blasting David Bowie.

I went to get some food & saw they had Veggie Burgers.

Then I grabbed THE LAST Free Diet Coke.

UM. Are you KIDDING ME? David Bowie AND free Diet Coke & Veggie Burgers? The only thing that could have been MORE awesome would have been... free sushi and pedicures. Seriously.

I hope this is a sign that my luck is turning around! It sure would be nice!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Quick update...

My eyes are starting to close, so I thought I'd update quickly...

  • I have a job interview on Thursday. It's only part time, but it's something I *really* want to do... so I'm really excited & hoping I get it! I'm very tired of getting excited about a job and then crushed, though, so I'm trying not to get too pumped.
  • I'm in my 3rd week of classes at the moment, & so far I'm doing pretty well. I'm even able to keep up in Math, which I'm ecstatic about. In general, I have much more homework this semester then usual, so it's not easy.
  • The apartment is totally trashed, but I haven't had a spare second to clean! I've really got to get on that.. hopefully this weekend.
  • I don't watch awards shows (or TV at all, really), but after my facebook and twitter were inundated with comments about the Taylor Swift/KanYe West drama, I HAD to find some video clips. And while the interruption wasn't as terrible as everyone had made it sound, I was really touched by the way Beyonce handled the situation. To give up her moment in the spotlight (of which she has had plenty!) so that Taylor could give it another go was really sweet.
That's all!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Craft Show: Day 2

Today was a beautiful day... the sun was shining, for most of the day there was a light breeze.. it was nice out.

This increased foot traffic at the Craft Show by probably 90%.

This increased my total profits by.... oh. Zero dollars.

To top it all off, at various points during the day, that aforementioned "light breeze" turned into a gale, and I had to chase my paintings/business cards/what-have-you across the Green. And then I had to pack up my tent and... well... I might have broken it.

Did I mention it was my mom's tent, and she had been VERY hesitant to let me borrow it at all?

After that disaster was over, I went straight to McDonald's and had a small fry and a hot fudge sundae. I couldn't deal... I needed comfort food.

And the bitch at the window charged me 16 cents for Sweet & Sour sauce for my fries. I don't know why, but that REALLY burns me. Like.. it's fucking SAUCE. Are you gonna charge me for napkins next? I wanted to grab her by the throat & demand sauce... but I didn't. I just fished (slowly... out of protest) for 16 cents and then daydreamed about screaming at her until she cried.

Now I'm at home & I don't know what to do with myself. I should be cleaning, or doing homework, I guess.. but I don't know where to start as far as EITHER one of those go. Eh.

Soo... craft show, general verdict?


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Craft Show: Day 1


Talk about a major, catastrophic LET DOWN.

Today was awful. Jay & I got everything set up quickly and it looked great (despite not having quite as much stuff as everyone else-- some of these people must have been doing this for 20 years!). We then played the waiting game for THREE HOURS. (WHY list set up time as 7 AM if the show itself doesn't start until TEN?)

When people started rolling in, I was psyched and all smiles, piping out with cheery "hello!"'s whenever anyone stopped to peek at my goods.

But then I realized... that was ALL they were doing. Just peeking.

It began to get torturous. People would squeal over my earrings, picking them up and saying "Oh, I really should get these, these are adorable" or, "so-and-so would LOVE these!"-- but then putting them down and walking away.

And don't get me wrong-- my prices are reasonable. I checked around-- other tents were selling earrings for a whopping 24 bucks a pair-- mine go for a mere $6.

All day long, these peekers kept coming. Jay (who is a freakin awesome salesman) would try to get them involved in a conversation, but to no avail. They would just keep on walking.

At the end of the day, I had made a grand total of ZERO dollars.

(Now, if you're keeping track. The booth fee was $100, but they discounted mine to $50 since it was last minute. So I spent $50 just to sign up, and $50 on last minute supplies.)

So I'm $100 in the hole so far. I thought this was going to be a MAJOR money maker for me-- so far I am terribly wrong.

I'm going again tomorrow & hoping that since the weather is going to be better, maybe sales will be better. I'm not going to hold my breath.

If I don't make at least $50 to cancel out the booth fee, I am NEVER doing this crap again.


When my best friend Lauren and I found ourselves broke and unemployed one summer, we did the only thing two girls our age COULD do...

We drove our parent's cars, lived in our parents houses, and spent what little money they gave us on cigarettes and McDonalds. Nightly.

Oh, and we also didn't SLEEP. For DAYS. Our sleep schedules became crazy (we were waking up at 5 PM and hanging out until 6 AM, then doing it all over again) and we would once in awhile decide to "reset" ourselves-- by staying up until we could fall asleep at a normal hour.

This resulted in DELIRIUM. I will never forget one day when Lauren's mother insisted on taking us with her to the fabric store. We both hadn't slept in two days, but we went along. And let me tell you, it was ridiculous. We were wandering up and down aisles of fabric touching everything, pausing to stare at intricate weaves like we had just dropped acid. Lauren's mother was VERY worried about us, and although we assured her that we were simply exhausted, I'm not sure she ever believed us.


Tonight (today?!) I'm pulling my very first all-nighter since the Summer of All-Nighters. Even when school became somewhat demanding (usually around finals week!), I never had to resort to all-nighters. (In fact, I usually have a hard time staying up later then 2 AM.)

But today, I have a craft show that I have to set up for at 7 AM.

And, this craft show called me yesterday at 10 AM to tell me "We just had a cancellation. I know we put you on the waiting list [and swore we wouldn't be able to fit you in at all] but... come on down!"


So I've been gluing, molding, painting, signing, stickering... you name it... since I got out of work at 7 PM to NOW. Jay has been helping me with everything (seriously? the dude is a TROOPER. He's been great & I could not ask for anything more!) and now he's taking a 45 minute nap, before we haul our cookies to the site and set up.

I am going to require LOADS of coffee today. But I am SO pumped, and I hope I at least sell a few things so I can break even.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Google Analytics.

I JUST realized that I had set up this site with Google Analytics, probably a few months ago.

I checked up on it for the first time today, and was pretty pleased with the results. Most of my readers come here directly, and most of them are repeat readers. Hi guys! You are awesome.

I was a little disturbed by the "keywords" that bring people to my site, however.

I mean... one was "hysterical things"... and I'll give you that, especially with this mornings ricochet disaster.

But then there was "naked exes". "sunny with a chance of naked" "starving hysterical naked tattoo" (is there one?! I want it.)

And worst of all? "Naked boy scouts". Needless to say, naked boy scout searchers (it appears there were FOUR of them?) didn't find what they wanted here, and moved along.

Thanks to everyone else for sticking around :)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Bad morning!

I was up til 2 AM playing (and beating) Beatles Rock Band with Jay.

Unfortunately, this morning was NOT a good one.

First, I was dreaming that I was already at work-- so every time my alarm clock went off, I shut it off in my sleep and continued working.

When I finally jolted upright in bed, my clock said 8:57. GREAT, I had to be to work at 9.

I jumped up and immediately tried to put on whatever was nearby (I first tried to put on a pair of Jay's black pants, but eventually found a pair of black yoga pants that worked okay.). I rushed back over to the bed to grab my cell phone, (here's where it gets good!) and in my hurry, accidentally bashed my left ankle and foot as hard as you could possibly imagine onto the nice, sharp corner of our low-to-the-ground IKEA bed frame.

In immense pain, I yelled "FUCK!" which woke up Jay and had him asking, "What's wrong?"-- but I didn't have time to answer him, because the sheer pain of the strike to my ankle had sent me reeling-- right into the left wall. I hit the wall with a thud and yelled "FUCK!" in pain, again. He again asked what was wrong. But I couldn't answer THAT time either-- because I had ricocheted from the left wall into the RIGHT door frame, slamming my right shoulder against it with such force that I'm going to have a pretty sizable bruise!

I finally slowed down and stood, defeated and wounded, by the front door, where I could do nothing but grasp my ankle and my shoulder and repeat "FUCK! FUCK!" over and over again, before finally composing myself enough to walk to work.

(And wouldn't you know-- I managed to clock in at 9:01?)

The most graceful morning person you know,

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

H&M Jeans.

Everyone has one... it could be a stuffed animal passed down to you by a relative, a quilt made specially for you, or even your high school prom dress. One of lifes little "security blankets", that you refuse to get rid of, even if they're only collecting dust.

Mine are my H&M jeans from high school.

I don't remember instantly loving them when I saw them on the rack, I simply bought them because they fit and had a super dark gray wash which I loved... but after a month, it was easy for me to see that I was going to LIVE in these jeans. I'm not skinny, and it's very difficult to buy jeans that fit in the waist AND leg-- usually larger waisted jeans have ridiculously wide thighs. But these somehow were PERFECT.
I really did LIVE in them. For my entire senior year of high school, freshman AND sophomore year of college, I wore these lovely jeans.

And then.. it started to happen. You big-thighed girls out there know what I'm talking about... the dreaded chub rub. In this case, my thighs were rubbing holes in the seams of the jeans. By the time I noticed, it was too late to save them.

I gave them to my mother in tears, who managed to (somehow!) sew them back together, without using a patch. but when I put them on, the fabric was gathered all wrong, and too small to get my leg into.

It's been 8 years since I bought those jeans, and I still refuse to give them up. I've even gone as far as to carry them into H&M demanding, "WHERE CAN I BUY THESE EXACT JEANS?!", but unfortunately no one has any idea. I keep them folded up in my closet, hoping that one day their un-ripped twin will... I dunno, somehow magically appear? It seems silly, but I just can't part with them! I would pay H&M BIG bucks just for a couple pairs of them.

Tell me about your favorite jeans!

(note: that photo doesn't do the jeans... or me... justice. talk about bad hair (and face!) day.)

Monday, August 31, 2009


I don't know what is wrong with my face lately!

I'm guessing that it might be due to the fact that I've spent quite a bit of time outside this summer (usually I drape myself over the air conditioner and do nothing but read & watch movies!) what with working at the amusement park and all. So maybe my normal ways of scrubbing and moisturizing just don't cut it...

but seriously. My face is flaking off. There are super dry spots near my chin (as are clearly evident in this photo), one to the side of my nose, and my nose is so rubbed raw (dry skin+ sun burn DO NOT MIX) that I look like Rudolph.

And it HURTS, too. I am altogether facially miserable.

And off to school, where I hope it isn't noticable!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Before bed...

I don't feel as if I've been doing very well with stress, money and just.. day to day life management lately. There are a lot of things I need to get done that I have more or less been ignoring. It's strange, because in doing so, I've become a lot happier (until I realize I'm blowing things off, which just stresses me out!).

Either way, classes start up for me again on Monday. I worked 58 hours this week (between two jobs) and next week I'm down to 9 hours again. It's very difficult trying to make everything line up and work out at once. It's almost like I can't fix my schooling, finances and job all together.

I take little steps every day towards my goals. But goddamn, I need to start taking bigger steps.

My best friend is still in town this week. We went to the beach in Rhode Island on Wednesday and had an awesome time... I boogie boarded for the first time ever, and it was all very fun. It's too bad that summer is over, and too bad that she's returning to London at the end of this week. At least I get to see her one last time before she goes! I'm looking forward to it.

I have a 12 hour day tomorrow, so I should probably get some rest now.

Friday, August 21, 2009

This is side one, flip me over. I know I'm not your favorite record.

My boyfriend and I are great together.

We get each other's sense of humor, we understand each others past and work hard to help each other make the present and future better. We help out when the other is struggling, we spend TONS of time together, the sex is great, and we have fun together wherever we go.

But sometimes I find myself thinking... what is a "deal breaker"?

The one difficulty in our relationship that hurts me the most is the fact that I am not his idea of his "ideal woman". He's always dated skinny, petite, exotic brunettes-- and I am very much the opposite, being a tall (*cough* tallerthenhim *cough*), size eleven (read: FAT, in his eyes.), blue eyed red-head.

I can't help being what I am naturally. And he can't help liking what he likes. And as much as it hurts, I appreciate his honesty. He doesn't mean it in a mean spirited way, it's simply the truth. He doesn't pass girls on the street and say "Why can't YOU look like that?" (although he might think it... and to be fair, usually I think the same things of myself, too.) He tells me I'm cute.

Most of the time, the fact that I'm not one of those girls doesn't even come into play. Most of the time, things are perfect and fine and we're able to overlook this tiny fact.

But I really have to admit, sometimes things just boil over. When he admits how hot he thinks Helena Bonham-Carter is (are you SERIOUS? She's hot and I'm NOT?) and dresses up me and my best friend for a photo shoot... all the while taking pictures and telling her "that's hot" and "you look gorgeous". When he says, 'it's really hot when a girl _____ _____ ____" (insert something that I'll never in a million years do), instead of saying, 'You're really hot when you _____.'

No secret to readers here, I'm sure, but I have a dangerously low self-esteem. I need positive reinforcement. And the more that I hear that OTHER girls who look nothing like me are hot, the uglier I feel. Til it gets to the point where I really can't remember the last time I've felt sexy.

My boyfriend and I can talk about anything... but I'm afraid to broach this issue. I'm not sure how to, and I'm also afraid it will end with something like, "Well, they ARE hot, and you're not.", and who wants to hear that? I don't want to end up feeling sorry for myself for not being something I'm not, and I don't want him to feel badly for preferences that he can't change. I already know that this fact makes him feel like shit, and he wants to change it. I just don't want to bring it up. I don't feel like crying.

Is attraction REALLY so important in a relationship? I mean, obviously there's a emotional/sexual attraction, we love each other, and we've been together for 2 years so we work well together. But if he really doesn't find me 'hot', ever... is it a deal breaker?

Are there some women who just won't ever be considered "hot", no matter what?

Why is feeling "hot" so goddamn important? Shouldn't being loved be more important? Why doesn't it feel that way?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Being happy...

This past weekend, and yesterday, have been pretty awesome.

I've spent a lot of time working at Six Flags, which, aside from the heat (and the kid who threw up green Gatorade while I was tattooing him yesterday) has been nothing short of amazing. The people I work for and with are great, and it's so laid back-- no one following me around to make sure I'm doing my work, no one nitpicking about stupid shit! It's so much more relaxed, and yesterday I worked independently for my entire shift. Pretty awesome! Even the customers are better then the pharmacy customers-- they actually SMILE at you and respond to your greetings. And they thank YOU for a job well done, not some guy who really didn't do much.

Jay & I have been going to the park for free for the past few days, and doing this really makes me wonder why I didn't think to apply at Six Flags sooner... having free parking AND a free pass to the park when you're bored is pretty damn awesome-- we could have been doing this ALL summer. It sucks that the park is going to be open only on the weekends, soon.

So yesterday I worked, then Jay & I came back and spent the rest of the day at the park, and then we went to Olive Garden and used a gift card I had (the service had been really horrible the last time, so I complained & got a $30 gift card which was really cool!). A pretty sweet day, all in all.

The only problem with these past couple of days, is that I haven't been dealing with the problems at hand at ALL. We are SO broke, and only getting broker. It's starting to look like Jay's job let him go (no one has concretely told us anything), but he starts working at Six Flags on Thursday... but we're both only getting a few days a week there, which really only helps a little bit. Plus, they pay bi-weekly which sucks. I only worked 9 hours at the pharmacy 2 weeks ago (resulting in a $30 check. Woo.HOO.) and I'm only working about 15 hours this week. And did I mention last month's rent hasn't been paid yet? And we're coming up on THIS month's rent being due, as well?

I wish I could get something more steady, even a 9-5, but school starts at the end of this month and then my availability becomes totally wacky.

During all this, I'm reminded of when I was a kid and I couldn't wait to be an adult. It all looked so EASY. Blah.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The busiest month of my year...

So, I didn't expect this, but August is rapidly turning into the busiest month of my entire year.

Take a look.

This week, I have a work related party to go to on Friday, work all week long (no days off for this girl!) and a baby shower for one of my best friends to go to on Sunday.

Next week, another one of my best friends flies in from London for her WEDDING! That entire week is filled with showers, a bachelorette party, random nail & hair excursions... and the wedding!

I can't wait to see either of these ladies, and am so excited about both of their big events :)

The week after that-- school starts again! I am very excited but also nervous about school-- I am taking on a LOT this semester:
  • Math (which is a big challenge for me, as you know)
  • Biology II (also a challenge!)
  • Creative writing (I threw this in as my "fun" class-- it's taught by one of my favorite teachers)
  • American Popular Culture (taught by the same lady who assured me I was doing "great" last semester-- and then gave me a C. NOT looking forward to this one)
  • Video Filmmaking (not sure what this one will be like-- my favorite teacher was going to teach this, but he retired last semester.)

So, all those classes plus 2 jobs and therapy is going to be a little overwhelming after a summer of essentially being a sloth due to cut hours at work and zero money. But hopefully I can get back into the swing of things again, and make the Dean's List with no problems :)

After this semester, I only need 2 more math classes and then I GRADUATE!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The land of missing things...

I spent all of today cleaning the apartment... it's still not spotless (we have too much stuff crammed into a tiny space!) but it looks much, much better. I threw out a lot of useless paperwork and stuff I don't need, organized my clothes (I can't afford to do the 8 loads of laundry it would take to clean everything, so I had to separate things I wear regularly and things I don't) and put together a box for our next yard sale.

Jay vacuumed and made me lunch, and all in all it was a very low-key but nice day.

What totally baffles me though, is how some things can just completely disappear. I cleaned everything from top to bottom, and somehow have yet to find a) my big brown wallet and b) my roll-on Juicy Couture perfume.

Neither of these mean that my world is over, but it would be nice to have them back. I haven't seen the brown wallet in about a month, and the wallet has been missing for maybe 6 months. I KNOW they're around here somewhere, but they're completely eluding me.

Driving me nuts!

* * *

Also, remember how upset I was about not having read enough books last year? Well, this year started out slow due to school, but so far during the summer I've read...

-The Devil Wears Prada (about the same as the movie)
-White Oleander (WAY better then the movie!)
-Animal Farm (re-read)
-Slaughterhouse Five (re-read)

I'd like to get in another book or two before school starts on the 28th, but I'm not sure what to read next. I'd like to try (and subsequently become addicted to-- like everyone else) the Twilight series, but I can't afford to buy a copy right now, and I'd have to wait for months & months for it to be available at the library.

Anyone have any recommendations?

Friday, August 7, 2009

Whatever, boyscouts.

I honestly don't know what it is with people in authority being so damn irresponsible.

To backtrack (because I'm not actually sure I've blogged about this yet):

In June, I applied for a job as an Arts & Crafts Director at a week long Boy Scout Day Camp that would take place in mid-August.

A week later, the guy who interviewed me (let's call him Bob) left me a voicemail telling me that I was hired, and that we needed to set up a time to meet and sign the required paperwork. Bob said that if we wanted to meet on the same day/time/place as we had the week before, that would be fine.

I called him, got his voicemail, and left a message letting him know that I could meet him at the same/day/time/place as last week.

Thursday rolled around. I got up early and camped out in the coffeeshop waiting for him. He never showed. I figured, well, he never called to confirm... maybe something came up. So I left him a voicemail telling him that I had been there, and he could call me to reschedule.

He never called.

I called Bob a few more times to remind him, even sending him an email in case there was a problem with his phone. I heard nothing back.

After about a month, I called the main boyscout number and spoke to one of Bob's supervisors (we'll call him Greg). He was apologetic and said he would speak to Bob and have him get in touch with me. He also took my home address and email, and said he'd send me out the required paperwork.

A week went by and I still hadn't gotten anything. I called Greg and left him a message telling him this. I clearly repeated my email and address on his voicemail, to make sure he had the right addresses.

Greg left me a message a few days later stating that he HAD sent the paperwork. He repeated my address and email. He said he would resend them.

After another week, I called him back and left him another message. I asked if I could come down to the boyscout headquarters and pick up the required paperwork, seeing as time was running out.

He never called me back.

The camp starts next Tuesday. And now, because I haven't gotten a SOLID answer from anyone, I'm scheduled to work both jobs all week.

I'm disappointed, because despite the idiots who can't seem to get anything right-- I really wanted this job. It was only a week long, but Bob had told me that next summer I would be in line for bigger opportunities.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


I saw my ex (technically, my most recent ex, considering the last two people I regard as exes I never was technically in a relationship with... infuriating, ladies, yes?) today.

It was pretty much inevitable, seeing as we both work for the same company, I was bound to see him sometime.

We were walking towards each other at the end of the night and as I saw him coming, my brain did this panicked "what-do-I-do" jig, running through the zillions of possible scenarios that could transpire.

In the end, I decided rather quickly that I was in a better place now then I ever had been with him. And yes, he had wronged me, but I was just one of the multitude of girls he had wronged. And there was no point in not being civil.

So I decided that I would smile at him, nod, and say hi, but that was it. No stopping for conversation, no bitter choice words, no flirting, not even a "hey, how have you been?" or a "long time, no see". Keeping it brief was best.

And as we got closer-- he stared at the ground and walked right past me.

I laughed as I went by. I guess I can't be 100% sure that he saw me, but something tells me he did.

I feel like the better person for choosing to be civil and polite.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Google is stalking me.

Is it just me, or is Google creepy sometimes?

I mean, I just wrote a short story and posted it to the blog of a writing group that I am a member of. In the story, I used the word "UHaul".
And now that little box at the top of my Gmail is suggested cheap local moving companies for me to use.
Granted, sometimes this is helpful... say if I'm talking about cute, cheap underwear or when is Eddie Izzard touring next? (um by the way-- he's going to be in NYC in January. I am SO there, even if I have to sell a goddamn kidney to afford it!)
But, sometimes it's creepy. I mean... come on, Google. How do you know what I'm doing in OTHER open tabs?

In other news, I saw (500) Days of Summer last night, and it was great. I had been looking forward to it for a long time, and was not disappointed. I will say, though, without giving anything away, that Zooey Deschanel's character got off WAY too easy at the end. But, I love her, so I can't be too upset at her.

All for now!

Friday, July 31, 2009

Today stuff...

I've been reading The Daily Mail (online) a lot today, and I came upon an article I found really facinating.

It's basically an average of ALL things that make up a British Man and British Woman. I really wish I could find the same article written about Americans!

(In other news. I fit into a size ELEVEN from Charlotte Russe today! Considering I was a size 16 just a short year ago... and not to mention, a size 22 when I lived in Medford as a teenager... I AM SO EXCITED!!!)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

My job even pisses me off on my days off!!!

So I went into work on my day off, to pick up my check tonight...

and tucked inside the little envelope was a pay stub and NO CHECK.

Someone fucked up, and they're all refusing to assume responsibility for it. I am SICK of this corporation dicking me around and now NOT PAYING ME.

They screwed up last week, too, and paid me "0.00" an hour for my 27 hours of vacation time.
So they did a cash advance, which subsequently was removed from the hours I DID work this week. (Instead of adding the hours I worked this week to the 27 vacation hours).

I honestly, seriously, without a doubt cannot take much more of this. At all. Really. I'm not even kidding. They're just trying my patience on a daily basis, I am putting up with ridiculous bullshit and now I'm doing it for FREE? I DON'T THINK SO. RENT IS DUE IN TWO DAYS, FUCKERS.

31 Things:

(I stole this idea from another blog, and thought it would be nice to kind of write a random list, rather then writing nothing more then work related rants! Enjoy, I will try to keep it positive.)

1. Pretty much 90% of my wardrobe comes from Charlotte Russe now. It used to be mostly Kohl's and Old Navy, but I've fallen in love with Charlotte Russe so much it's ridiculous. I could drop $100 a trip there, easy.
2. I couldn't get my nose ring back in the other night, and I cried for 2 hours. (I was also over tired.) I never realized how much my nose ring means to me until I realized I might not have it anymore! I have since re-pierced my nose (with a sewing needle. I am hardcore) so all is well.
3. I go to therapy once a week. It's nothing major, I'm not on meds or at the end of my rope... sometimes it's just good to have someone to talk to, who can offer me a different outlook on my week.
4. My mom and I email back and forth at least once a day.
5. I really, really, want to be a minimalistic neat freak. But I have too much stuff and spend too much time at work-- when I come home, I'm too damn tired to clean!
6. I have a lot of artist plans in the works that I need more motivation to accomplish.
7. I tried smoking pot in my early college days (my boyfriend was a major pothead) but besides smoking with just him, or alone... I HATED it. I'd always get super paranoid and no matter what, I'd think the people I was with were out to get me or talking trash/making fun of me-- even if they were my best friends. I was able to do some really good writing while under the influence, though.
8. Sometimes I feel like I'm too damn responsible, and I should take a break and let people look after ME for a change.
9. I love singing Karaoke, but with the exception of playing Rock Band, I haven't rocked the mic in almost 2 years now.
10. I can't wait until I'm out of debt (or at least, much LESS in debt.) I feel like I've been in debt forever, and none of the money I bring home from work is actually MINE.
11. I took 6 college classes last semester and worked full time. The trick was to get going and NOT STOP for a second. If I sat down, my exhaustion caught up with me immediately. I plan on doing the same thing this semester, as well. I want to get out of college FAST.
12. I am so bad with math it's ridiculous. This is coupled with a math anxiety problem, which literally makes me freeze up out of fear. At our yardsale last weekend, I had to subtract 7 from 20. Easy, right? Well unfortunately the customer was standing right over my shoulder watching me, and I panicked and actually needed a calculator. This only stands to embarrass the hell out of me and make the anxiety worse.
13. Along the same vein with math anxiety-- I have a hard time reading clocks with minute and second hands, and if someone says "it's quarter of/quarter after/half past/quarter til..." I have a really hard time breaking down what they mean.
14. I can't wait til I have a place that I can paint myself. I want red walls.
15. I LOVE mens boxer briefs. You know, the kind that are tight on the thighs? I'm a total thigh girl... screw arms and pecs and asses... I am all about the thighs.
16. I was devastated when Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling broke up. I've never been much into celebrity couples, but I LOVED them. That, and people have told me before that I look like Rachel, & I think my boyfriend looks like Ryan.
17. I hate talking on the telephone, but I love text messaging. If I could get a text-only plan, it would be perfect.
18. I have two tattoos and want at least two more... one of which is a quarter sleeve. Except, I also want to get married & I don't want to be a bride with tattoos that show... so I'm torn.
19. I can't enjoy Batman, 6 Flags, House, MD or the comic strip Achewood the way I used to, due to stupid ex-boyfriends.
20. I've lost almost 30 pounds in the past year, sans exercise. I can't imagine how much I would have lost if I DID exercise, so I really want to get a gym membership next.
21. Also, I can NEVER spell the word "exercise" without the help of spell check. Something about that word just doesn't make sense to me!
22. I have an intense fear of thin metal. This includes tin foil.
23. I could probably eat sushi every day for the rest of my life and never get sick of it.
24. I really wish the East Coast was as environment and health conscious as the West Coast. I have to drive 30 minutes to get to a health food store, and FORGET if I want to go out to eat and get something fresh, organic and healthy. Even frozen yogurt is hard to come by.
25. I applied for an Ikea credit card and got declined, which was really a blessing in disguise. I would have maxed out that card INSTANTLY.
26. I hate my job! (oh wait, you knew that.)
27. I hate living in CT, but I also feel like I haven't quite figured out where I belong yet.
28. If you can't spell simple words or use simple punctuation, it doesn't matter how smart you are-- I'll probably still think you're dumb.
29. I hate people who constantly try to be "cute". You're an adult for chrissakes, be an adult.
30. I bought a Chanel bag online for $60. It said it was authentic. I've tried to disprove it, but so far I haven't been able to-- I think it might actually BE authentic.
31. I never carry cash and ALWAYS use my debit card for everything. I am also constantly misplacing my ATM card. (It's missing right now, go figure.)

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Today's work rant.

Dear Jerk Boss:

If you want to be a giant douchebag to me from the second I walk in the door until the moment I leave, you clearly don't want me around anymore. So why not just have me go home? Or fire me? Cut me the fuck loose. You don't have to keep me around just so you can be a miserable bastard ALL.DAY.LONG.


no love,


Seriously, people. Today my boss:

1) Made me throw away my lunch and told me "no food at drop off", even though EVERYONE else eats non-stop at work. So I fucking starved all day and now I have stomach pains. THANKS.

2) While I was filling prescriptions, he called over to me in the most condescending voice I've ever heard, "Now Alison. Can you name ONE thing that we could be doing during our downtime here at the pharmacy?" I couldn't believe his gall, and shot him the dirtiest look I could imagine before the phone rang & I answered it without speaking to him.

3) At one point he gave me the talzon (computerized gun thingie that scans and logs products) and asked me (told me, rather.) to cycle-count. As I did it, he FOLLOWED ME AROUND checking to make sure I was actually working.

4) As I was cycle counting, I had to count out a bottle of pills that was opened. I had counted out 25 & there were 5 more pills to count and put back into the bottle, when he was like, "ALISON, are you getting the REGISTER?", to which I nodded, counted the last five pills, and put them into the bottle. He said something like "Counting pills can wait." IT WAS FIVE PILLS. WAIT ONE GODDAMN FUCKING SECOND SO I CAN PUT EVERYTHING BACK IN THE BOTTLE and NOT have to start all over once I get back!!! The customer did not CARE about the one extra MILLISECOND that she had to wait.

FUCK, I need to LEAVE THIS JOB ASAP. No one should have to work with this fucking asshole and I am goddamn sick of taking his crap every day. I am fully capable of doing my job, I have been doing it FINE for THREE FUCKING YEARS NOW before you stuck your nose into everything.

We had a big "work meeting" tonight where important stuff was supposed to be discussed. The gist of it was, Here is how we want you to work harder! And, HERE is what we're taking AWAY from you! (No more cell phone, no more eating in the pharmacy, no more then 3 requests off in a month, no more, no more, no more.)

Seriously. I was about to ask which side the our new swastikas were supposed to go on.



So, even though I am quite happily in a relationship at the moment, I do have an OKCupid account.

I don't bother to use the site for searching or anything like that, I only use it to read emails that men send me (because, honestly? Some of them are freaking hysterical.)

Here's an actual email I got today:

My name is **** can I chat with you please. can you use a sewing machine. I need help to sew some new blanket binding back on can you help me with that please. I wish you would let me hug you and kiss you. Anywas chat soon sometime when is a good time for you or call me at 555-555-5555*

(Name and phone number have been changed to protect the innocent.)

This email is from a 31 year old American. I am not sure what to think, but the "i wish you would let me hug you and kiss you" part cracked me up.)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I've been super busy lately, and as such have been living in a pretty constant state of exhaustion...

Jay & I had a huge yard sale this past Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We raked in $500 and got rid of a ton of our crap, so we were pretty successful. Jay is an awesome salesman, I think he's going to end up going back next weekend and selling the stuff that is left over.

The yard sale was pretty fun, although it was way more exhausting then I thought it would be... just sitting out in the sun for 3 days can really drain you! Our friend Ricky let us borrow his tent and air mattress, and we slept in the backyard during torrential rain and thunderstorms. Apart from being a little cramped while sleeping (we usually sleep on a queen, that mattress was a twin) we both slept better then we have ever slept before. It was pretty awesome.

I started my new job at 6 Flags yesterday... I'm working at a Henna tattoo booth. I was nervous about it at first because although I'm artistic, it's mainly in a photographic sense, and I'm not much for drawing. They're telling me that I'll get better with practice, though, and I hope they're right. I practiced like crazy on myself yesterday, and I have an arm full of henna tattoos that will last 2-4 weeks. I did some easier tattoos on other people... a chinese zodiac symbol (I was proud of that one), some hearts, stars (I'm actually pretty bad with stars...), peace signs... I'm really nervous about some of the larger more complicated tattoos though. The job itself seems very laid back and fun, I'm just having some artistic anxiety.

I am also in the middle of trying to plan a low-key and inexpensive (but also totally awesome) bachelorette party for my best friend Lauren, who is coming back to the States and getting married next month. I cannot wait!

Today I'm off to the bank... must pay some bills, shower and head to work. Yuck.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Another Pleasant Valley... Tuesday.

At work, we have a board that is posted on the wall. It illustrates in very simple terms what you should be doing at each part of the day.

(For example, if I was working a 9-5 shift, it might say "9-11: Alison, pick up (also known as register). 11-3: Alison, drop off. 3-5: Alison, production.")

Yesterday, as soon as I walked in at 10 AM, I heard people saying, "Alison is at pickup". They said it several times, loudly, as if they wanted to make sure I was aware of it without actually coming up to me and telling me.

Regardless, there were NO customers to be seen, so I didn't go over and stand at the register. The computer queues were filled up with prescriptions, so I started printing prescriptions and pulling drugs, and answering the phones.

I did this for about an hour, taking a customer here and there. It was a very slow register day, and I spent most of my time assisting people on the phone and filling prescriptions. I do know at one point, I was on the telephone and a customer showed up at the register. Another employee*** got the register. (Note this employee. He's important. He's the one who says, "if I have a problem, I'll tell you to your face." yet then goes behind your back and complains about you. Constantly.)

After an hour of me printing, pulling, answering phones and getting the register, a friend of mine came up to me and said, "You're supposed to be at the register."

I may have snapped at her a little at this point. I said something like, "I KNOW I'm at the register, but there are no CUSTOMERS there."

But, fine. If the pharmacy wanted to waste my time and let themselves get backed up, I would go and stand at the goddamn empty register.

So I did. I brought my water, my protein bar, and at one point I even started to jot down a little list of things that I wanted to buy once I got some money. I relaxed and just stood there. When customers came up, I would help them, but I made no moves to get the phone or help out in any other capacity. They were swamped, but, they had made it pretty clear that I wasn't needed. So I'd just stand there.

This lasted for maybe an hour or two before someone else said, "Alison, (guy) is swamped, can you print and pull?" I muttered something under my breath along the lines of "that's what I was doing before." but went and helped him out anyway. And that was it, no one said anything else about it.

Until today.

As soon as my shift started, jerk boss called me into the office where there were 2 other people there waiting for me. I couldn't wait to hear what this was about-- they sometimes have "meetings" for the stupidest reasons, for things that could easily be cleared up with just a sentence normally, but for them require extensive documentation and "counseling".

As soon as I heard what I was being accused of, I pretty much lost it. I wish I could say I keep a cool and level head under pressure, but the truth of the matter is, in most cases that is the furthest thing from the truth.

He basically told me that I was getting written up for just "standing around" the day before. I immediately called bullshit and explained the situation the best I could. I was accused of "copping an attitude" and keeping things bottled up until they became big problems. They suggested that whenever I have an issue with anything, instead of letting it fester I should speak up about it immediately.


If I start speaking up about every damn thing in the pharmacy that pisses me off, I am never going to stop talking, and people are going to start hating me very rapidly. Doesn't exactly seem like the game plan for a non-hostile work environment, does it?

***I'm pretty sure, although I have no proof besides my manager taking him in the back of the pharmacy and whispering something to him immediately following our meeting, that THIS employee is the one who complained about me "standing around". Sorry that you had to get the fucking register ONCE, buddy. Hope you didn't over exert yourself as I filled waiters for you and answered the damn phone.