Friday, February 20, 2009

What image do you project?

I gave my 2nd speech in Public Speaking today, and it went well. I was nervous as hell, however (I HATE public speaking), and of course my hands were shaking, my palms were sweating, and I felt like a big idiot the whole time.

We got back these papers critiquing our presentations, and I was shocked at some of the comments I received. My classmates told me I was "confident" and "relaxed", my teacher said I was "sophisticated and in tune with (my) audience".

It amazed me how the image that I FELT I was projecting (nervous, stammering, sweating!) was not at all the same one my classmates picked up on.

I left my class feeling pretty damn good about myself, but somewhere in the day all that fell apart again. It's not important what caused it, but rather what it caused me to realize--

I will never be happy unless I can be happy with myself.

And I'm just not sure that I can ever achieve that. I've been trying my entire life, and no matter what, I'm just never good enough for myself.

In a way, this is positive. I will always strive to achieve more, right? I'll never accept mediocrity. Never settle. Never half-ass. I'll always know that I am capable of more.

But I will also never be satisfied. I will never love myself. I will never expect others to love me because I will see more promise in other potential mates for them, and always doubt myself.

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