Monday, April 27, 2009

Forcing myself to write.

I know at least one person gets aggravated with me when I don't blog. For many people, this is the only way we keep in contact, so I really need to keep writing.

I don't want to. I have never said that before. I don't want to write.

Losing Jay has been such a terrible blow for me. Without him, I'm realizing how little I really have in my life. I don't want to write a big "pity me" entry, so I've refrained from writing for days. But I suppose it's inevitable. I mean, I don't really have anyone else that I can talk to about this, so I'll have to talk to my blog, won't I?

He's interested in another girl. The one that he's friends with from school, who I initially worried myself sick over, but then realized that she was nothing special, and that I didn't have to worry about her.

Turns out, I did. I don't know what he sees in her, really, and I don't mean that in a nasty way. She isn't a bitch or anything, the few times I hung out with her she was nice and fun to be around. But I don't see why he's throwing me away for her.

So he's focusing all his energy in trying to make something work between them, and I'm focusing all my energy into trying to fix wherever we went wrong. I'm torn, because on one hand, I realize that he needs to have more relationships and see whats out there in order to realize that I'm good for him (I feel like shit writing that, because why can't he see that I'm good for him NOW?), but I also don't want anything to happen between them. My motives are selfish and I realize this. But I feel like... how could there possibly be anyone out there who loves and cares about him as much as I do?

And like I said, I'm realizing now how truly alone I am. All my real friends are on the other side of the country, or even IN another country. No one in this town is on my wavelength. I have no one to talk to who really understands, and most of the time I don't even want to try.

I'm stuck in a ridiculous dead-end job filled with (mostly) immature and annoying people where I am both underpaid and under appreciated. This job makes NO use of my talents or skills, and is just soul-sucking. Of course, in this economy there's no hope for a new job.

And on top of this, I'm chipping away at this goddamn useless associates degree that in reality most likely won't get me anywhere. And I'm still chasing this stupid children's television dream that may never be realized. So where am I? I'm nowhere. I'm in a lameass dead end town with no talents and no friends and no money to change my situation. The guy I love is 'hoping something happens' with someone else.

I'm at the end of my rope here, people.

So the next time you wonder how I'm doing, there it is.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

"If you love something, let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it.
If it comes back, love it forever." ~Doug Horton

(I stole this pic. If it's yours, let me know!)

Monday, April 13, 2009

He wants a lover he doesn't have to love

So, my boy and I are broken up.

I'll get all the emotional crap out of the way right now: I loved him more then anything in the world, I did everything I could for him for the past year and a half, he was and is my best friend, the only person I really can hang out with and talk to and have fun with around here. I felt that we really had this amazing connection and that we were good for each other... probably as close to perfect as relationships really get nowadays.

Unfortunately, he does not feel the same way. He loves me, and still wants to be my friend, but he doesn't love me the same way I love him. He doesn't feel that we're compatible, and apparently he has been miserable since the very beginning and has only been lying to himself and me to pull through. It seems in his eyes, we were together out of necessity, and he just kept quiet to spare my feelings. In my eyes, we were together because we wanted to be (he DID move across the US to be with me, so I mean... that seems like a pretty big deal, right?) and because of love. And although I never really came right out and said this (because we all know the M-word makes boys run far far away!), I could see us being together for a very long time. Maybe even forever.

I really thought, and hoped and prayed that we could make this work. I was willing to do whatever it took. I thought we were just having a bad month, and we'd pull through-- because hell, we LOVE each other! People who really love each other can do anything together, can't they?

More then anything, I wish I could wake up right now and realize that today was actually just a bad dream I'd had... I'll wake up to my alarm & we'll go to my parents for Easter like we were supposed to, and we'll never have the dreaded conversations and the tears will remain unfallen and the cigarettes unsmoked. And maybe I'll even say, "I had the worst nightmare EVER." and he'll listen and console me.

Unfortunately, I'm wide awake. I've pinched myself. Quite a few times.

I don't know what to do now. Housing plans are uncertain, school is uncertain, jobs are uncertain. I don't want to move back home, but I don't know if I can survive on my own. I don't want him to move out, but I don't know if I can live with him. I don't want to lose him, but he's already lost.

I wish I could think optimistically. "Just give him some space and he'll realize what he lost." , right? But he swears up and down that he loves me, and that I'm a great girlfriend and has even said that if he were to marry me, he knows I would be an amazing wife (in retrospect? OUCH. now that hurts to recall.), but it seems that there's something that's just making him terribly unhappy that I can't fix no matter how hard I try. And I am so beyond terrified that any space I give him will just grow and grow with time.

Isn't it the worst ever when the only person who can REALLY comfort you is the person you can no longer go to for comfort? I'd give anything to curl up next to him and have his arms around me right now.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Admitting defeat.

Hey, guess what! All you people who said I was crazy for trying to take 5 classes, 1 internship, AND juggle a full time job?

Well, I just got a part time job on top of it all.

(I couldn't pass it up! $17 an hour! In this economy! I would have been a fool to refuse.)

And you're right.

I can't really handle this.

I mean, I'm doing it, sure. And on the outside I may be holding up okay. But everything else is failing. My stress levels are through the roof, and I don't even have time to make an appointment with my doctor, therapist (I haven't even been able to MEET my therapist yet, and can I just tell you? I really need her right now.), dentist, or eye doctor. I'm forgoing showers for sleep just because I'm so damned exhausted, and this is all taking a toll on my relationship. I'm always either angry or sad about something. My communication skills SUCK. I am losing my boyfriend, and now it's time to cue that crazy womenly panic that sets in when you KNOW you're losing someone. And of course the panic only serves to drive men farther away, all the while you become the "clingy, controlling bitch" when really, you're just trying to get things back the way they were.

I don't know what to do about this summer, or next semester. In my hurry to escape college and get on with my life, I thought I had it all figured out-- study SUPER hard and test out of pre-alegbra (don't laugh, I am terrible at math!), take algebra over the summer (even though financial aid isn't offered, & it would likely set me back about $300!), and then graduate next semester after taking only 4 more classes.

But now, I just don't know if that's a good plan. I've spread myself so thin that by summer there might not be anything left. I really want to get out of school as quickly as possible, but I just don't know if I can put myself through a summer course. I think I need a mental holiday.

I really just need to lighten up, and I know it. I used to be fun. I used to HAVE fun. Now it's all work and no play, and if I try to play? Well I can't really even afford to play. I am under so much stress it's unreal.

I don't know where to begin to fix things. I don't know how to fix this, or us, or myself.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


I've been so flipping busy with work and school that I've fallen into this really strange deal-with-it-but-freak-out-occasionally depression. I don't notice it all the time, but sometimes I just stop and think, "I'd kill myself right now if I knew I could get a second chance." and that scares the crap out of me. There's so much I want to do, but sometimes I just can't get past that. I think what I originally labeled just "a jealousy problem" which reared it's head at inopportune times, is really a whole lot more then that, and I have been torturing myself and people around me with it for years.

I've been trying to schedule a meeting to see a psychologist, but she won't return my calls. Appropriate, right?

I got a haircut today because I thought it would make me feel better. It was much more expensive then I thought it would be (it was a tiny mom and pop salon that Jay goes to all the time. I figured $20 at the most, but it ran me $40 with the tip.) and then when I got home Jay didn't even like it, so it was really just a waste of my time. I was on the fence about it myself, but now I feel shitty for wasting so much money that could have gone toward bills, and angry that my hair looks stupid.

Went to Kohl's and Old Navy because I needed work clothes, to return a summer dress, and I had two coupons. Shopping was equally depressing (after everyone has been telling me that I look like I'm losing weight, why won't those one-size-smaller pants fit?!) and it kills me that I can't even find cute bras in my size. Doesn't anyone realize that busty girls like to look cute too?

Started a new job today for the Government (really!), it's only part time and temporary, but it's $17 an hour which is awesome. A downside of this is that I'm missing quite a few days of school due to training. I have to email my teachers and plead with them not to drop me from their classes, I hope they will be understanding.

Hopefully this job will help me finish getting my debt down... I've been doing really well lately and most of my cards are almost under control, except one that has a very high monthly payment. Soon I hope to pay off the smaller balance cards and ONLY have the high balance one left.

Once school is over I may be enrolling in a summer math class... if I can test out of Pre-Algebra during a placement exam (I'm really bad at math, so this is a challenge) then I can take 1 summer course and then 1 math course next semester and graduate. That would be awesome.

If all goes according to plan, I'd like to do that, and then use that last non-school-going semester to work my ass off, enroll in a gym, and finally work off some of this weight. Seriously folks, all I want to be is a size 11. I don't think that's THAT much to ask for.

So I guess most folks have a "5 year plan", here is my 1 year plan. We'll see how it goes from there.

My 1 week plan is that I REALLY have to do this freaking HOMEWORK! I have so much stuff to make up and redo from my damn film class. Ugh. If I never see this teacher again, it will be too soon.