Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Admitting defeat.

Hey, guess what! All you people who said I was crazy for trying to take 5 classes, 1 internship, AND juggle a full time job?

Well, I just got a part time job on top of it all.

(I couldn't pass it up! $17 an hour! In this economy! I would have been a fool to refuse.)

And you're right.

I can't really handle this.

I mean, I'm doing it, sure. And on the outside I may be holding up okay. But everything else is failing. My stress levels are through the roof, and I don't even have time to make an appointment with my doctor, therapist (I haven't even been able to MEET my therapist yet, and can I just tell you? I really need her right now.), dentist, or eye doctor. I'm forgoing showers for sleep just because I'm so damned exhausted, and this is all taking a toll on my relationship. I'm always either angry or sad about something. My communication skills SUCK. I am losing my boyfriend, and now it's time to cue that crazy womenly panic that sets in when you KNOW you're losing someone. And of course the panic only serves to drive men farther away, all the while you become the "clingy, controlling bitch" when really, you're just trying to get things back the way they were.

I don't know what to do about this summer, or next semester. In my hurry to escape college and get on with my life, I thought I had it all figured out-- study SUPER hard and test out of pre-alegbra (don't laugh, I am terrible at math!), take algebra over the summer (even though financial aid isn't offered, & it would likely set me back about $300!), and then graduate next semester after taking only 4 more classes.

But now, I just don't know if that's a good plan. I've spread myself so thin that by summer there might not be anything left. I really want to get out of school as quickly as possible, but I just don't know if I can put myself through a summer course. I think I need a mental holiday.

I really just need to lighten up, and I know it. I used to be fun. I used to HAVE fun. Now it's all work and no play, and if I try to play? Well I can't really even afford to play. I am under so much stress it's unreal.

I don't know where to begin to fix things. I don't know how to fix this, or us, or myself.

1 comment:

Catie Voglio said...

this is like you wrote the story of my life. all i can say is that whatever happens, happens. i always put my goals first and if that meant losing others then they werent meant to stick it out anyway. Good Luck because i hear ya lady!