Monday, April 27, 2009

Forcing myself to write.

I know at least one person gets aggravated with me when I don't blog. For many people, this is the only way we keep in contact, so I really need to keep writing.

I don't want to. I have never said that before. I don't want to write.

Losing Jay has been such a terrible blow for me. Without him, I'm realizing how little I really have in my life. I don't want to write a big "pity me" entry, so I've refrained from writing for days. But I suppose it's inevitable. I mean, I don't really have anyone else that I can talk to about this, so I'll have to talk to my blog, won't I?

He's interested in another girl. The one that he's friends with from school, who I initially worried myself sick over, but then realized that she was nothing special, and that I didn't have to worry about her.

Turns out, I did. I don't know what he sees in her, really, and I don't mean that in a nasty way. She isn't a bitch or anything, the few times I hung out with her she was nice and fun to be around. But I don't see why he's throwing me away for her.

So he's focusing all his energy in trying to make something work between them, and I'm focusing all my energy into trying to fix wherever we went wrong. I'm torn, because on one hand, I realize that he needs to have more relationships and see whats out there in order to realize that I'm good for him (I feel like shit writing that, because why can't he see that I'm good for him NOW?), but I also don't want anything to happen between them. My motives are selfish and I realize this. But I feel like... how could there possibly be anyone out there who loves and cares about him as much as I do?

And like I said, I'm realizing now how truly alone I am. All my real friends are on the other side of the country, or even IN another country. No one in this town is on my wavelength. I have no one to talk to who really understands, and most of the time I don't even want to try.

I'm stuck in a ridiculous dead-end job filled with (mostly) immature and annoying people where I am both underpaid and under appreciated. This job makes NO use of my talents or skills, and is just soul-sucking. Of course, in this economy there's no hope for a new job.

And on top of this, I'm chipping away at this goddamn useless associates degree that in reality most likely won't get me anywhere. And I'm still chasing this stupid children's television dream that may never be realized. So where am I? I'm nowhere. I'm in a lameass dead end town with no talents and no friends and no money to change my situation. The guy I love is 'hoping something happens' with someone else.

I'm at the end of my rope here, people.

So the next time you wonder how I'm doing, there it is.

2 comments:

the Music of the Night said...

dearest,
I'm always around to listen, i may not have advice, but i've been there before and i know what it feels like. Hang in there, and don't give up on that dream job! Money isn't everything, i know it helps cuz it pays the bills, but if i never learned anyting else from CVS, it's do something that makes you happy regardless of the pay rate.
chin up my sweet, and while it may be a cruel thing to say right now, There are other people out there, and if you give some of them a chance, you may be surprised what you find.

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