Wednesday, April 1, 2009


I've been so flipping busy with work and school that I've fallen into this really strange deal-with-it-but-freak-out-occasionally depression. I don't notice it all the time, but sometimes I just stop and think, "I'd kill myself right now if I knew I could get a second chance." and that scares the crap out of me. There's so much I want to do, but sometimes I just can't get past that. I think what I originally labeled just "a jealousy problem" which reared it's head at inopportune times, is really a whole lot more then that, and I have been torturing myself and people around me with it for years.

I've been trying to schedule a meeting to see a psychologist, but she won't return my calls. Appropriate, right?

I got a haircut today because I thought it would make me feel better. It was much more expensive then I thought it would be (it was a tiny mom and pop salon that Jay goes to all the time. I figured $20 at the most, but it ran me $40 with the tip.) and then when I got home Jay didn't even like it, so it was really just a waste of my time. I was on the fence about it myself, but now I feel shitty for wasting so much money that could have gone toward bills, and angry that my hair looks stupid.

Went to Kohl's and Old Navy because I needed work clothes, to return a summer dress, and I had two coupons. Shopping was equally depressing (after everyone has been telling me that I look like I'm losing weight, why won't those one-size-smaller pants fit?!) and it kills me that I can't even find cute bras in my size. Doesn't anyone realize that busty girls like to look cute too?

Started a new job today for the Government (really!), it's only part time and temporary, but it's $17 an hour which is awesome. A downside of this is that I'm missing quite a few days of school due to training. I have to email my teachers and plead with them not to drop me from their classes, I hope they will be understanding.

Hopefully this job will help me finish getting my debt down... I've been doing really well lately and most of my cards are almost under control, except one that has a very high monthly payment. Soon I hope to pay off the smaller balance cards and ONLY have the high balance one left.

Once school is over I may be enrolling in a summer math class... if I can test out of Pre-Algebra during a placement exam (I'm really bad at math, so this is a challenge) then I can take 1 summer course and then 1 math course next semester and graduate. That would be awesome.

If all goes according to plan, I'd like to do that, and then use that last non-school-going semester to work my ass off, enroll in a gym, and finally work off some of this weight. Seriously folks, all I want to be is a size 11. I don't think that's THAT much to ask for.

So I guess most folks have a "5 year plan", here is my 1 year plan. We'll see how it goes from there.

My 1 week plan is that I REALLY have to do this freaking HOMEWORK! I have so much stuff to make up and redo from my damn film class. Ugh. If I never see this teacher again, it will be too soon.

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