Monday, April 13, 2009

He wants a lover he doesn't have to love

So, my boy and I are broken up.

I'll get all the emotional crap out of the way right now: I loved him more then anything in the world, I did everything I could for him for the past year and a half, he was and is my best friend, the only person I really can hang out with and talk to and have fun with around here. I felt that we really had this amazing connection and that we were good for each other... probably as close to perfect as relationships really get nowadays.

Unfortunately, he does not feel the same way. He loves me, and still wants to be my friend, but he doesn't love me the same way I love him. He doesn't feel that we're compatible, and apparently he has been miserable since the very beginning and has only been lying to himself and me to pull through. It seems in his eyes, we were together out of necessity, and he just kept quiet to spare my feelings. In my eyes, we were together because we wanted to be (he DID move across the US to be with me, so I mean... that seems like a pretty big deal, right?) and because of love. And although I never really came right out and said this (because we all know the M-word makes boys run far far away!), I could see us being together for a very long time. Maybe even forever.

I really thought, and hoped and prayed that we could make this work. I was willing to do whatever it took. I thought we were just having a bad month, and we'd pull through-- because hell, we LOVE each other! People who really love each other can do anything together, can't they?

More then anything, I wish I could wake up right now and realize that today was actually just a bad dream I'd had... I'll wake up to my alarm & we'll go to my parents for Easter like we were supposed to, and we'll never have the dreaded conversations and the tears will remain unfallen and the cigarettes unsmoked. And maybe I'll even say, "I had the worst nightmare EVER." and he'll listen and console me.

Unfortunately, I'm wide awake. I've pinched myself. Quite a few times.

I don't know what to do now. Housing plans are uncertain, school is uncertain, jobs are uncertain. I don't want to move back home, but I don't know if I can survive on my own. I don't want him to move out, but I don't know if I can live with him. I don't want to lose him, but he's already lost.

I wish I could think optimistically. "Just give him some space and he'll realize what he lost." , right? But he swears up and down that he loves me, and that I'm a great girlfriend and has even said that if he were to marry me, he knows I would be an amazing wife (in retrospect? OUCH. now that hurts to recall.), but it seems that there's something that's just making him terribly unhappy that I can't fix no matter how hard I try. And I am so beyond terrified that any space I give him will just grow and grow with time.




Isn't it the worst ever when the only person who can REALLY comfort you is the person you can no longer go to for comfort? I'd give anything to curl up next to him and have his arms around me right now.

3 comments:

the slackmistress said...

:(

xo!

streetlite_babe said...

oh honey im sooo sorry! i know you going through so many difficulties right now, but i hope you know that i'm here for you and you need anyone to spend time with or cry with or anything, i'm here for you.

the Music of the Night said...

aww hun!! I'm soo sorry for you!! That sux. Hang in there deary