Saturday, May 30, 2009

Fucked.

Did you ever feel like you're so broken you don't think you'll ever be fixed again?

Welcome to me, right now.

For all you frequent readers, you know that my boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. Well, we still live together, and even though at first we were talking about moving out, we decided it was better financially, and just more smart to stay living together, since we didn't want to go through the trouble of moving out and then moving back in if we got back together.

It has been a very weird month. Personally, I've been trying to take each day as they come, because they seem to all be very different. For the first few weeks, Jay slept on the couch and I slept in my bed, but then we broke down and started having sex again, and sleeping in the same bed on occasion. Even as recently as just a week ago, I'd wake up curled in his arms and it was like nothing had ever changed. And yes, it has been excruciatingly hard to deal with at times, but in the long run I just told myself... we still love each other, we just don't have the "title". And I knew he was no longer in a relationship with me because he didn't like feeling tied down-- he wanted to see what else was out there for him, relationship wise.

I tried to let him go as quietly as possible, thinking it would be the only way I would get him back. I expected him to be going out and meeting new people and dating.

But none of that has happened, and instead he's come home to me every night. Which was both a good and a bad feeling-- I wanted him to go meet people, and I prayed that by meeting people he would realize what he had with me. But of course, I still wanted him for myself, and him coming home certainly spared me the pain of trying to envision the girls he was with, and what he was doing.

Last week, he told me that he had been thinking about getting back together with me. He told me he missed me, and realized that he probably wasn't going to find anyone else who would 'put up with his bullshit.' Maybe I should have jumped at the chance for reconciliation... maybe I should have pushed him to make a decision right then-- but I didn't. In a moment of both strength, clarity and stupidity, I told him that I didn't want him to be with me for the wrong reasons. That I didn't want him to be with me just because 'no one else would deal with him'. It wasn't good enough.

But now in the span of another week, somehow, something has changed. We are still having sex, but we weren't being close at all. I was being tossed aside and forgotten as soon as it was over, and he spent the entire week on the couch. I missed him. I wanted to be close with him. So last night I asked him to sleep in my bed. This was answered by 2 minutes of the thickest silence one could ever hear, until he finally asked, "why?" I said, "Because I want you there." More silence. And then he says, "I don't want you to get the wrong idea." I said something like "If you didn't want me to get the wrong idea, you shouldn't be fucking me." and left the room.

In the end, he did sleep in my bed. But begrudgingly, because he realized 'it's unfair to expect you to have sex with me and not sleep with you'. There was a foot of space between us at all times, and as much as I wanted to touch him, I was afraid.

I didn't think asking him to sleep with me was such a big deal. I don't know what 'wrong idea' he expects me to get, considering he had talked about getting back together just a week ago. He asked "do you know why I sleep on the couch?" and I answered "no." I really don't know why.

I wish he and I could understand each other better. I feel like my heart is being broken all over again, and I really don't get why he would chose to be single rather then be with someone he loves, who loves him.

I'm seeing a counselor next week for the first time. I'm hoping they can assist me in making some sense of this mess that my life has become.

4 comments:

Arturo said...

If there is a bright side to all this, I would suggest that you did have a moment of strength and clarity in the middle of it. Hope it goes well with the counselor.

Eponine said...

I agree with you, it was a strange moment to sit back and realize 'wow. i don't want to be with him IF this is all it means to him.'

Hopefully it(and I'm pretty sure it does) means more to him then that... and this is only another one of lifes little sucky speedbumps. But damn it gets me down sometimes!

the Music of the Night said...

hey hun, I don't wanna play any cards here,
but i'm starting to feel like he just wants a sex partner, i hope i'm wrong, but i would definitely not suggest sex while you're not together, one of the main reasons i have decided to save it for marriage is because i really believe that once sex is involved, it muddles the emotions and overrides logic in a lot of cases and makes it that much harder. I say if you can sustain a relationship for a while with sex not involved, congrats, and you'll then kno it's not just for what you can give him in bed. Hang in there, Be strong.

i hope you don't take offense to this, i am not trying for that.

Eponine said...

I agree with you too. I don't think he just wants a sex partner, though. I mean... it's really hard to explain, but I think he is looking for something from me that I don't know how to give him. He doesn't know what it is, and *I* don't know what it is-- but if we knew and could fix it, we'd still be together. That may not make sense, but that's pretty much how we see it.
I know he lacks willpower when it comes to sex (and so do i!) but you're right, it really does complicate matters. I used to be able to just have sex like a guy ("hey, thanks, that was fun... I'm gonna go home now.") but now I just can't... it's excruciatingly difficult to have sex with someone you love and know you aren't "with" them... but it's also difficult to NOT have sex with them.

We went for awhile without having sex but then just kind of fell into a routine. It's hard, because I'd rather he had sex with me then go out looking for it somewhere else, you know?

SUCH.A.MESS!