Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Someone change, someone change, someone change my life tonight

I need to change my life.

Really.

I don't know how to do it, but it has to be done.

I look at myself now, and I see someone I've never wanted to become. For someone who had SO MUCH going for her so many years ago-- how did it come to be that I'm here, now? That I'm killing myself to survive, that I've become some robotic drone for a corporation?

This all needs to stop. My pink hair used to be my calling card. I used to scream out the car window at passersby, not shush anyone who dared speak up. I once drove miles in hopes of finding a cow to tip over. I used to sing on stage like it was my job. I used to date men off the internet to "collect data" for a book that I was writing. I once smoked pot in the parking lot of a job I had, and then wandered into work and spent the ENTIRE shift stoned and freaking out. I once did E with Suicide Girls. I once drove to Voorheesville New York and took pictures of the setting sun just because I was bored. A friend and I once convinced our waitress that we were Princesses.

I stood up for what I believed in. Loudly. To anyone who would listen.

Yet somewhere, that all got squashed. Now, you might say that this is all part of "growing up", but if that's the case, I'm desperate to grow back down. I've been silenced and squashed by corporate America. I've been held back by the collapsing economy. I've been defined by a small town with no options and no way out.

I need to make a way out. I need to reclaim something that I lost a long time ago.

I'm not sure how. But that's my mission, and I chose to accept it.

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