Wednesday, June 3, 2009

sinking

I can't help but feel that no one understands me lately.

I know that's not really anyones fault, I don't hold it against them. But it's making me feel very, very alone. One of my best friends suggested "don't you think it's time to move on?" and I couldn't even bare to respond to her. No. I don't want to move on... I just want us to get better. I want to fix where we went wrong and I want for us to be able to make each other happy. There's just been so much bullshit thrown in that I don't know what to do.

There is SOMETHING that could be done, or said, to make this all okay. To turn this all around. But I don't know what it is, and that's killing me.

I've always been a firm believer that 'love concurs all'. I could have absolutely nothing else in my life, but as long as I had love, everything would be okay. Yet in this case, we both love each other and that's just somehow not enough.

I am tired of being heartbroken. I am tired of crying and hurting and putting on a brave face. I am tired of hearing him call me his 'friend'. I am tired of mixed messages. Actually, let me rephrase that. I am tired of the NEGATIVE messages. The words 'i've been thinking of getting back together with you... I miss you' and 'i feel like i'm just waiting for you to say the right thing...' are permanently etched in my ever-hopeful heart. It's the negative messages that hurt. When my mind thinks, "but wait... didn't you just say...?" and I don't know what to believe.

I know this is just as difficult for him as it is for me. I know it's difficult for me to see beyond my own pain.

But goddammit I just want to make this better. We were a power team. I am lost without him.

1 comment:

Arturo said...

Wish I could share more but this thought from my own experience: power depends on somebody else; Strength you can amass - and keep - on your own.