Monday, August 31, 2009


I don't know what is wrong with my face lately!

I'm guessing that it might be due to the fact that I've spent quite a bit of time outside this summer (usually I drape myself over the air conditioner and do nothing but read & watch movies!) what with working at the amusement park and all. So maybe my normal ways of scrubbing and moisturizing just don't cut it...

but seriously. My face is flaking off. There are super dry spots near my chin (as are clearly evident in this photo), one to the side of my nose, and my nose is so rubbed raw (dry skin+ sun burn DO NOT MIX) that I look like Rudolph.

And it HURTS, too. I am altogether facially miserable.

And off to school, where I hope it isn't noticable!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Before bed...

I don't feel as if I've been doing very well with stress, money and just.. day to day life management lately. There are a lot of things I need to get done that I have more or less been ignoring. It's strange, because in doing so, I've become a lot happier (until I realize I'm blowing things off, which just stresses me out!).

Either way, classes start up for me again on Monday. I worked 58 hours this week (between two jobs) and next week I'm down to 9 hours again. It's very difficult trying to make everything line up and work out at once. It's almost like I can't fix my schooling, finances and job all together.

I take little steps every day towards my goals. But goddamn, I need to start taking bigger steps.

My best friend is still in town this week. We went to the beach in Rhode Island on Wednesday and had an awesome time... I boogie boarded for the first time ever, and it was all very fun. It's too bad that summer is over, and too bad that she's returning to London at the end of this week. At least I get to see her one last time before she goes! I'm looking forward to it.

I have a 12 hour day tomorrow, so I should probably get some rest now.

Friday, August 21, 2009

This is side one, flip me over. I know I'm not your favorite record.

My boyfriend and I are great together.

We get each other's sense of humor, we understand each others past and work hard to help each other make the present and future better. We help out when the other is struggling, we spend TONS of time together, the sex is great, and we have fun together wherever we go.

But sometimes I find myself thinking... what is a "deal breaker"?

The one difficulty in our relationship that hurts me the most is the fact that I am not his idea of his "ideal woman". He's always dated skinny, petite, exotic brunettes-- and I am very much the opposite, being a tall (*cough* tallerthenhim *cough*), size eleven (read: FAT, in his eyes.), blue eyed red-head.

I can't help being what I am naturally. And he can't help liking what he likes. And as much as it hurts, I appreciate his honesty. He doesn't mean it in a mean spirited way, it's simply the truth. He doesn't pass girls on the street and say "Why can't YOU look like that?" (although he might think it... and to be fair, usually I think the same things of myself, too.) He tells me I'm cute.

Most of the time, the fact that I'm not one of those girls doesn't even come into play. Most of the time, things are perfect and fine and we're able to overlook this tiny fact.

But I really have to admit, sometimes things just boil over. When he admits how hot he thinks Helena Bonham-Carter is (are you SERIOUS? She's hot and I'm NOT?) and dresses up me and my best friend for a photo shoot... all the while taking pictures and telling her "that's hot" and "you look gorgeous". When he says, 'it's really hot when a girl _____ _____ ____" (insert something that I'll never in a million years do), instead of saying, 'You're really hot when you _____.'

No secret to readers here, I'm sure, but I have a dangerously low self-esteem. I need positive reinforcement. And the more that I hear that OTHER girls who look nothing like me are hot, the uglier I feel. Til it gets to the point where I really can't remember the last time I've felt sexy.

My boyfriend and I can talk about anything... but I'm afraid to broach this issue. I'm not sure how to, and I'm also afraid it will end with something like, "Well, they ARE hot, and you're not.", and who wants to hear that? I don't want to end up feeling sorry for myself for not being something I'm not, and I don't want him to feel badly for preferences that he can't change. I already know that this fact makes him feel like shit, and he wants to change it. I just don't want to bring it up. I don't feel like crying.

Is attraction REALLY so important in a relationship? I mean, obviously there's a emotional/sexual attraction, we love each other, and we've been together for 2 years so we work well together. But if he really doesn't find me 'hot', ever... is it a deal breaker?

Are there some women who just won't ever be considered "hot", no matter what?

Why is feeling "hot" so goddamn important? Shouldn't being loved be more important? Why doesn't it feel that way?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Being happy...

This past weekend, and yesterday, have been pretty awesome.

I've spent a lot of time working at Six Flags, which, aside from the heat (and the kid who threw up green Gatorade while I was tattooing him yesterday) has been nothing short of amazing. The people I work for and with are great, and it's so laid back-- no one following me around to make sure I'm doing my work, no one nitpicking about stupid shit! It's so much more relaxed, and yesterday I worked independently for my entire shift. Pretty awesome! Even the customers are better then the pharmacy customers-- they actually SMILE at you and respond to your greetings. And they thank YOU for a job well done, not some guy who really didn't do much.

Jay & I have been going to the park for free for the past few days, and doing this really makes me wonder why I didn't think to apply at Six Flags sooner... having free parking AND a free pass to the park when you're bored is pretty damn awesome-- we could have been doing this ALL summer. It sucks that the park is going to be open only on the weekends, soon.

So yesterday I worked, then Jay & I came back and spent the rest of the day at the park, and then we went to Olive Garden and used a gift card I had (the service had been really horrible the last time, so I complained & got a $30 gift card which was really cool!). A pretty sweet day, all in all.

The only problem with these past couple of days, is that I haven't been dealing with the problems at hand at ALL. We are SO broke, and only getting broker. It's starting to look like Jay's job let him go (no one has concretely told us anything), but he starts working at Six Flags on Thursday... but we're both only getting a few days a week there, which really only helps a little bit. Plus, they pay bi-weekly which sucks. I only worked 9 hours at the pharmacy 2 weeks ago (resulting in a $30 check. Woo.HOO.) and I'm only working about 15 hours this week. And did I mention last month's rent hasn't been paid yet? And we're coming up on THIS month's rent being due, as well?

I wish I could get something more steady, even a 9-5, but school starts at the end of this month and then my availability becomes totally wacky.

During all this, I'm reminded of when I was a kid and I couldn't wait to be an adult. It all looked so EASY. Blah.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The busiest month of my year...

So, I didn't expect this, but August is rapidly turning into the busiest month of my entire year.

Take a look.

This week, I have a work related party to go to on Friday, work all week long (no days off for this girl!) and a baby shower for one of my best friends to go to on Sunday.

Next week, another one of my best friends flies in from London for her WEDDING! That entire week is filled with showers, a bachelorette party, random nail & hair excursions... and the wedding!

I can't wait to see either of these ladies, and am so excited about both of their big events :)

The week after that-- school starts again! I am very excited but also nervous about school-- I am taking on a LOT this semester:
  • Math (which is a big challenge for me, as you know)
  • Biology II (also a challenge!)
  • Creative writing (I threw this in as my "fun" class-- it's taught by one of my favorite teachers)
  • American Popular Culture (taught by the same lady who assured me I was doing "great" last semester-- and then gave me a C. NOT looking forward to this one)
  • Video Filmmaking (not sure what this one will be like-- my favorite teacher was going to teach this, but he retired last semester.)

So, all those classes plus 2 jobs and therapy is going to be a little overwhelming after a summer of essentially being a sloth due to cut hours at work and zero money. But hopefully I can get back into the swing of things again, and make the Dean's List with no problems :)

After this semester, I only need 2 more math classes and then I GRADUATE!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The land of missing things...

I spent all of today cleaning the apartment... it's still not spotless (we have too much stuff crammed into a tiny space!) but it looks much, much better. I threw out a lot of useless paperwork and stuff I don't need, organized my clothes (I can't afford to do the 8 loads of laundry it would take to clean everything, so I had to separate things I wear regularly and things I don't) and put together a box for our next yard sale.

Jay vacuumed and made me lunch, and all in all it was a very low-key but nice day.

What totally baffles me though, is how some things can just completely disappear. I cleaned everything from top to bottom, and somehow have yet to find a) my big brown wallet and b) my roll-on Juicy Couture perfume.

Neither of these mean that my world is over, but it would be nice to have them back. I haven't seen the brown wallet in about a month, and the wallet has been missing for maybe 6 months. I KNOW they're around here somewhere, but they're completely eluding me.

Driving me nuts!

* * *

Also, remember how upset I was about not having read enough books last year? Well, this year started out slow due to school, but so far during the summer I've read...

-The Devil Wears Prada (about the same as the movie)
-White Oleander (WAY better then the movie!)
-Animal Farm (re-read)
-Slaughterhouse Five (re-read)

I'd like to get in another book or two before school starts on the 28th, but I'm not sure what to read next. I'd like to try (and subsequently become addicted to-- like everyone else) the Twilight series, but I can't afford to buy a copy right now, and I'd have to wait for months & months for it to be available at the library.

Anyone have any recommendations?

Friday, August 7, 2009

Whatever, boyscouts.

I honestly don't know what it is with people in authority being so damn irresponsible.

To backtrack (because I'm not actually sure I've blogged about this yet):

In June, I applied for a job as an Arts & Crafts Director at a week long Boy Scout Day Camp that would take place in mid-August.

A week later, the guy who interviewed me (let's call him Bob) left me a voicemail telling me that I was hired, and that we needed to set up a time to meet and sign the required paperwork. Bob said that if we wanted to meet on the same day/time/place as we had the week before, that would be fine.

I called him, got his voicemail, and left a message letting him know that I could meet him at the same/day/time/place as last week.

Thursday rolled around. I got up early and camped out in the coffeeshop waiting for him. He never showed. I figured, well, he never called to confirm... maybe something came up. So I left him a voicemail telling him that I had been there, and he could call me to reschedule.

He never called.

I called Bob a few more times to remind him, even sending him an email in case there was a problem with his phone. I heard nothing back.

After about a month, I called the main boyscout number and spoke to one of Bob's supervisors (we'll call him Greg). He was apologetic and said he would speak to Bob and have him get in touch with me. He also took my home address and email, and said he'd send me out the required paperwork.

A week went by and I still hadn't gotten anything. I called Greg and left him a message telling him this. I clearly repeated my email and address on his voicemail, to make sure he had the right addresses.

Greg left me a message a few days later stating that he HAD sent the paperwork. He repeated my address and email. He said he would resend them.

After another week, I called him back and left him another message. I asked if I could come down to the boyscout headquarters and pick up the required paperwork, seeing as time was running out.

He never called me back.

The camp starts next Tuesday. And now, because I haven't gotten a SOLID answer from anyone, I'm scheduled to work both jobs all week.

I'm disappointed, because despite the idiots who can't seem to get anything right-- I really wanted this job. It was only a week long, but Bob had told me that next summer I would be in line for bigger opportunities.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


I saw my ex (technically, my most recent ex, considering the last two people I regard as exes I never was technically in a relationship with... infuriating, ladies, yes?) today.

It was pretty much inevitable, seeing as we both work for the same company, I was bound to see him sometime.

We were walking towards each other at the end of the night and as I saw him coming, my brain did this panicked "what-do-I-do" jig, running through the zillions of possible scenarios that could transpire.

In the end, I decided rather quickly that I was in a better place now then I ever had been with him. And yes, he had wronged me, but I was just one of the multitude of girls he had wronged. And there was no point in not being civil.

So I decided that I would smile at him, nod, and say hi, but that was it. No stopping for conversation, no bitter choice words, no flirting, not even a "hey, how have you been?" or a "long time, no see". Keeping it brief was best.

And as we got closer-- he stared at the ground and walked right past me.

I laughed as I went by. I guess I can't be 100% sure that he saw me, but something tells me he did.

I feel like the better person for choosing to be civil and polite.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Google is stalking me.

Is it just me, or is Google creepy sometimes?

I mean, I just wrote a short story and posted it to the blog of a writing group that I am a member of. In the story, I used the word "UHaul".
And now that little box at the top of my Gmail is suggested cheap local moving companies for me to use.
Granted, sometimes this is helpful... say if I'm talking about cute, cheap underwear or when is Eddie Izzard touring next? (um by the way-- he's going to be in NYC in January. I am SO there, even if I have to sell a goddamn kidney to afford it!)
But, sometimes it's creepy. I mean... come on, Google. How do you know what I'm doing in OTHER open tabs?

In other news, I saw (500) Days of Summer last night, and it was great. I had been looking forward to it for a long time, and was not disappointed. I will say, though, without giving anything away, that Zooey Deschanel's character got off WAY too easy at the end. But, I love her, so I can't be too upset at her.

All for now!