Friday, August 21, 2009

This is side one, flip me over. I know I'm not your favorite record.

My boyfriend and I are great together.

We get each other's sense of humor, we understand each others past and work hard to help each other make the present and future better. We help out when the other is struggling, we spend TONS of time together, the sex is great, and we have fun together wherever we go.

But sometimes I find myself thinking... what is a "deal breaker"?

The one difficulty in our relationship that hurts me the most is the fact that I am not his idea of his "ideal woman". He's always dated skinny, petite, exotic brunettes-- and I am very much the opposite, being a tall (*cough* tallerthenhim *cough*), size eleven (read: FAT, in his eyes.), blue eyed red-head.

I can't help being what I am naturally. And he can't help liking what he likes. And as much as it hurts, I appreciate his honesty. He doesn't mean it in a mean spirited way, it's simply the truth. He doesn't pass girls on the street and say "Why can't YOU look like that?" (although he might think it... and to be fair, usually I think the same things of myself, too.) He tells me I'm cute.

Most of the time, the fact that I'm not one of those girls doesn't even come into play. Most of the time, things are perfect and fine and we're able to overlook this tiny fact.

But I really have to admit, sometimes things just boil over. When he admits how hot he thinks Helena Bonham-Carter is (are you SERIOUS? She's hot and I'm NOT?) and dresses up me and my best friend for a photo shoot... all the while taking pictures and telling her "that's hot" and "you look gorgeous". When he says, 'it's really hot when a girl _____ _____ ____" (insert something that I'll never in a million years do), instead of saying, 'You're really hot when you _____.'

No secret to readers here, I'm sure, but I have a dangerously low self-esteem. I need positive reinforcement. And the more that I hear that OTHER girls who look nothing like me are hot, the uglier I feel. Til it gets to the point where I really can't remember the last time I've felt sexy.

My boyfriend and I can talk about anything... but I'm afraid to broach this issue. I'm not sure how to, and I'm also afraid it will end with something like, "Well, they ARE hot, and you're not.", and who wants to hear that? I don't want to end up feeling sorry for myself for not being something I'm not, and I don't want him to feel badly for preferences that he can't change. I already know that this fact makes him feel like shit, and he wants to change it. I just don't want to bring it up. I don't feel like crying.

Is attraction REALLY so important in a relationship? I mean, obviously there's a emotional/sexual attraction, we love each other, and we've been together for 2 years so we work well together. But if he really doesn't find me 'hot', ever... is it a deal breaker?

Are there some women who just won't ever be considered "hot", no matter what?

Why is feeling "hot" so goddamn important? Shouldn't being loved be more important? Why doesn't it feel that way?

1 comment:

Little Mel said...

I don't know why it's important, but when you find out could ya let me know? :-)