Saturday, May 30, 2009

Fucked.

Did you ever feel like you're so broken you don't think you'll ever be fixed again?

Welcome to me, right now.

For all you frequent readers, you know that my boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. Well, we still live together, and even though at first we were talking about moving out, we decided it was better financially, and just more smart to stay living together, since we didn't want to go through the trouble of moving out and then moving back in if we got back together.

It has been a very weird month. Personally, I've been trying to take each day as they come, because they seem to all be very different. For the first few weeks, Jay slept on the couch and I slept in my bed, but then we broke down and started having sex again, and sleeping in the same bed on occasion. Even as recently as just a week ago, I'd wake up curled in his arms and it was like nothing had ever changed. And yes, it has been excruciatingly hard to deal with at times, but in the long run I just told myself... we still love each other, we just don't have the "title". And I knew he was no longer in a relationship with me because he didn't like feeling tied down-- he wanted to see what else was out there for him, relationship wise.

I tried to let him go as quietly as possible, thinking it would be the only way I would get him back. I expected him to be going out and meeting new people and dating.

But none of that has happened, and instead he's come home to me every night. Which was both a good and a bad feeling-- I wanted him to go meet people, and I prayed that by meeting people he would realize what he had with me. But of course, I still wanted him for myself, and him coming home certainly spared me the pain of trying to envision the girls he was with, and what he was doing.

Last week, he told me that he had been thinking about getting back together with me. He told me he missed me, and realized that he probably wasn't going to find anyone else who would 'put up with his bullshit.' Maybe I should have jumped at the chance for reconciliation... maybe I should have pushed him to make a decision right then-- but I didn't. In a moment of both strength, clarity and stupidity, I told him that I didn't want him to be with me for the wrong reasons. That I didn't want him to be with me just because 'no one else would deal with him'. It wasn't good enough.

But now in the span of another week, somehow, something has changed. We are still having sex, but we weren't being close at all. I was being tossed aside and forgotten as soon as it was over, and he spent the entire week on the couch. I missed him. I wanted to be close with him. So last night I asked him to sleep in my bed. This was answered by 2 minutes of the thickest silence one could ever hear, until he finally asked, "why?" I said, "Because I want you there." More silence. And then he says, "I don't want you to get the wrong idea." I said something like "If you didn't want me to get the wrong idea, you shouldn't be fucking me." and left the room.

In the end, he did sleep in my bed. But begrudgingly, because he realized 'it's unfair to expect you to have sex with me and not sleep with you'. There was a foot of space between us at all times, and as much as I wanted to touch him, I was afraid.

I didn't think asking him to sleep with me was such a big deal. I don't know what 'wrong idea' he expects me to get, considering he had talked about getting back together just a week ago. He asked "do you know why I sleep on the couch?" and I answered "no." I really don't know why.

I wish he and I could understand each other better. I feel like my heart is being broken all over again, and I really don't get why he would chose to be single rather then be with someone he loves, who loves him.

I'm seeing a counselor next week for the first time. I'm hoping they can assist me in making some sense of this mess that my life has become.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I got my grades back for this semester! They are as follows: CABBAB. (it almost spelled "CABBAGE"!)

I am less then thrilled by the C, especially considering I spoke to the teacher a month or so ago, apologizing for some absences (I had to do my census training during class time for 2 days) and making sure I was doing okay. I missed only ONE assignment, she assured me I was doing fine, and then gave me a C. Oh, and the REAL kicker is, she never graded & passed back homework, gave tests, OR gave mid-term evaluations-- so I really had no way of knowing my grade was this low.

The A's were in digital photography and public speaking, and the B's were in history of film, television production, and internship.

The C and B's unfortunately were enough to lower my GPA and keep me off the Dean's List this semester... so even though I did pretty well, I'm still disappointed in myself.


So far, my summer has been spent working every day, dealing with the bullshit that goes along with work (don't even get me STARTED, really.) and sleeping. I've had errands to run this week, but I realized that sleeping late was WAY more frugal then running about spending money that I should be saving for rent!

At night I've been scouring the internet for job opportunities and looking for future colleges.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Starting small...

Today marks the end of the semester!

Hopefully I did alright... I'm sure I did fine in at least 3 classes, but the other 2 gave very minimal feedback, so I'm not sure and I'm slightly nervous. I'd really like to make Dean's List again, we'll see. I definitely was not as motivated this semester as I was last semester, so that may show in my grades.

So I've decided that I will be spending much of this summer getting things in my life in order. I've started off small, and today I was able to organize my old photographs and scrapbooking things into one box. That was easy & it's all done... this weekend I will tackle the mess that is LAUNDRY.

In good news, my financial aid application has been received for next semester & I'm approved (even though I made more this year then last!), so that takes a little bit of stress off my mind. I'm still trying to figure out how to come up with $500 for a summer math course, though.

In bad news, I sold back a few text books and only made $35, which I promptly lost. I SHOULD NEVER CARRY CASH!

In unrelated news, I've found a new site to get addicted to! My old favorite is fmylife.com (I'm sure most of you already know about that one!) and the new one is textsfromlastnight.com.

Addicted!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Whatever.

The semester ends in 2 days. I have about 6 papers to write because I hadn't realized that nearly every week there was a paper due on the READING in my film class. He never mentioned it in class, and no one in my group ever talked about it, so I completely overlooked it and now I'm screwed. Luckily Jay is going to help me catch up so I can pass. Thank God.

Things have been weird with me lately, but they also seem to be looking up. I am looking forward to the end of the semester. I wanted to take a summer math course to help get me up to speed, but unfortunately it costs $500 which I don't have, and have no hope of acquiring before classes start on the 26th. Oh, well.

Summer will give me a chance to get my life and priorities in order a little bit.

I've dropped two pants sizes in the past month (depression induced anorexia for the win) and I intend on keeping it off, so I'm going to get rid of all my pants that are too big now. There's actually quite a bit of clothing that I don't wear at all, so I need to do some major sorting.

Also hoping I can take a pottery course & maybe a painting class if I can find one. We'll see.

All for now.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Death and reflection

My uncle died on Wednesday morning. I've spent the last two days at the wake, funeral and burial with my mother, stepfather, and extended family.

I didn't cry. I am hands down one of the most emotional people in the world, yet I didn't cry.

To me, what was really saddest about this event is that our family never sees each other. Only for weddings and funerals. I have very few memories about my uncle, and it shouldn't be that way. My cousin is only slightly older then me, yet we've never hung out or confided one damn thing in each other.

They're my "family", yet I just don't know them at all.

And that is what is the saddest part about this.

I feel sometimes like I should make an effort to change this, but at the same time, most of my family has money and some are very refined. I'm the black sheep trying to herd everyone together, and I fear that the more they learn about me (she smokes?! she has tattoos?! she doesn't believe in organized religion?! she voted for OBAMA?!) the blacker of a sheep I become.

Sometimes I wish I was effortlessly social.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Someone change, someone change, someone change my life tonight

I need to change my life.

Really.

I don't know how to do it, but it has to be done.

I look at myself now, and I see someone I've never wanted to become. For someone who had SO MUCH going for her so many years ago-- how did it come to be that I'm here, now? That I'm killing myself to survive, that I've become some robotic drone for a corporation?

This all needs to stop. My pink hair used to be my calling card. I used to scream out the car window at passersby, not shush anyone who dared speak up. I once drove miles in hopes of finding a cow to tip over. I used to sing on stage like it was my job. I used to date men off the internet to "collect data" for a book that I was writing. I once smoked pot in the parking lot of a job I had, and then wandered into work and spent the ENTIRE shift stoned and freaking out. I once did E with Suicide Girls. I once drove to Voorheesville New York and took pictures of the setting sun just because I was bored. A friend and I once convinced our waitress that we were Princesses.

I stood up for what I believed in. Loudly. To anyone who would listen.

Yet somewhere, that all got squashed. Now, you might say that this is all part of "growing up", but if that's the case, I'm desperate to grow back down. I've been silenced and squashed by corporate America. I've been held back by the collapsing economy. I've been defined by a small town with no options and no way out.

I need to make a way out. I need to reclaim something that I lost a long time ago.

I'm not sure how. But that's my mission, and I chose to accept it.