Friday, October 30, 2009

We're adorable.

Pixelated, but adorable.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Have you ever looked at someone and been overwhelmed with unanswered questions?

There's someone I know. We haven't spoke in a while, but we're still friends when we do see each other. There was no big falling out that took place.

This guy is dating another friend of mine (who I also haven't spoken with in a while... same scenario.). They seem to be very happy together, and I am also happy in my relationship.

Which makes this feeling very difficult.

I would never want to intentionally hurt this girl. It's not who I am. I would never in a million years make plans to steal her boyfriend, or anything of the like.

I would never go behind Jay's back, or break up with Jay to be with this guy.

But every time I see a photo of him, or recall a memory, the wonder of what we could have been is so unbearable it tears me up inside a little.

I don't like having regrets, and I also think that things like "soul mates" most likely don't exist.

...but what if they do, and this is how it feels to look at your unattainable soul mate?

...and what if he feels the same way?

I've never been faced with a scenario quite like this one. But I guess it doesn't require action, just reflection.

(New) Job Rant...

(...because things are never just GOOD in my job-life.)

So, I have to admit that the older I'm getting, the more I refuse to be treated a certain way by people in charge.

This is making it very difficult to work for people.

Usually it would just infuriate me that my pharmacy boss would insist on RE-calling phone numbers after I called them (because he didn't believe that I had actually done it) and follow me around while I do cycle counts to 'make sure I'm doing them'. (The real insult in this was that I have worked there for three years now. Can't you trust me to do my job? I've never given you cause to believe that I'm not capable.) But I could deal with it.

Now it's causing me a greater level of anxiety. I've been at my new job (2nd job) at the portrait studio for two weeks now, and the woman who I originally thought was awesome and was going to be a blast to work for, is showing her true colors.

It's nothing huge, yet. Today I was doing a sitting with two parents and a child, and she said quietly (she speaks RIDICULOUSLY quietly, and sometimes I have to ask her to repeat herself 4 times before I figure out what she's saying. Frustrating.) "Get mom and him." Since there were TWO males in the room, I asked her for clarification. She sighed loudly and said in an angry voice, "We've gone OVER this." like I was the worlds biggest idiot. Is it unreasonable to assume she could have meant EITHER male? We never went over ''him' means 'son''.

While there was a lot to learn in this job and I was expected to learn it all in a period of six days, I think I'm doing fairly well. I shot two families today, scheduled appointments, completed orders and rang them out. But with her it's not about what I'm doing well, it's about what I'm NOT doing. I'm not talking to the customers enough, I'm not making loud obnoxious baby noises enough. Ugh. As someone who works best with positive reinforcement, this is no good.

I don't think there's anything I hate more then people following me around and telling me what to do. If I have a problem or need help, I will ask for it. I just don't think she finds me very capable, and it's making what should be an amazing job very stressful. Last night, I had an anxiety attack just at the thought of going in today.

It's discouraging. I was very excited to finally land this job (after wanting it since 2002!) and now I'm disheartened. Am I not cut out for this, or is it just her?

In a way, I'm glad that this is only a seasonal position. I'll gain the experience and use it elsewhere.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Books, school and such

In this post I remembered that I was trying to read more books this year.

I managed to somehow NOT read a shitload of books over the summer, and now that the school year has started up again, I've read three:

-Girl, Interrupted (I loved the movie, had started the book about 10 years ago but had never finished it)
-Last Night In Montreal by Emily St. James Mandel (she's a friend of mine and sent me an autographed copy. And maybe I'm biased, but I loved the book and think everyone should read it. Check it out if you're looking for a new read!)
-Stumbling Into The Light by Edwina Trentham (Edwina is a teacher of mine, and she's an absolutely fantastic lady. This is a book of her poems, and again, I may be biased, but I loved them, too.)

This equals only seven books in 10 months... I've gotta kick it up a notch if I want to get to at least 12 by December!

I've been feeling very disorganized lately, which is making for some difficult times in school. There's only one full month left of school (I'm not counting the rest of October, since it's almost over, and I won't count December since we're only in school until the 15th or so, and a lot of that is finals time.) and I really need to get myself organized again & fix any past failures. I fear I'm barely scraping by in Biology, especially. I just need a C to pass! Then I don't have to worry about this crap ever again.

It's hard though, especially considering I just started a new job. There is SO MUCH to learn, and I literally spent 8 hours at work today and then 4 hours at school. I'm a tired girl. And although I would very much like to sleep and NOT exert any more effort, I really need to.

I'll see you once I unbury myself from under these textbooks...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The craziest dreams ever...

I had the absolute weirdest dream last night.

I can't remember the exact plot so here's what it involved:

-Obama put money into rebuilding the Community College's theaters, so they literally lifted our old auditorium out through the ceiling & we had to wait to get a new one. There was graffiti all over it.

-I was carrying a mattress home on my car, but no one would get out of my way so I just pulled over, picked up the mattress & started walking down the street with it. The parking lot of the place I work was all torn up and under construction. A woman stopped me & we were talking, and Jay came out of the pharmacy. The woman was tearing up papers and Jay got mad & asked her without looking up, "Why the hell are you doing that?" . He thought she was me.

-Jay & I lived upstairs from my mom, in a haunted 2 family house. There was a ghost in our mattress (no lie) and it literally was like having a 3rd person there while having sex. We were having sex while my mom was busy in the shower in the next room, and I told him to get up and shut the door. He went to shut it, but it didn't shut all the way and the next thing you know, my mom is barging in. It took her a minute to realize what was going on, and Jay was trying to cover up. She said something like "Please, I've seen bigger.". What's odd about this is that in the dream, Jay's penis was like 14 inches long. Crazy.

In this same house, there were two guys who were trying to rob us. Not of anything big, and they weren't ransacking the place... just looking for our cell phones & iPods. I ended up stashing everything in a Coach purse & I kept throwing it random places thinking, "They won't think to look there!" but then thinking better of it and moving it to somewhere even more obscure.

-I was suddenly in some town that was being stampeded by Dinosaurs. Except the Dinosaurs looked like huge, bulky, misshapen cows. (I couldn't come up with this stuff on my own if I tried.) Apparently, they had lived in this town forever and the townspeople were always being tortured by them. I met up with the townspeople & we tried to get away from the Dinocows. I remember heading to water (because "cows can't swim." I don't know if this is true or not, but in the dream it was.) but it didn't work. Then we tried getting behind the stampede and running with it... when all else failed, I met up with some girls who had a "secret"... the basement of their house was actually a structure from Pompeii (during the volcano) and everything in it had been preserved. For some reason, we took this to mean that it was exceptionally strong,and we holed up down there to wait out the Dinocows.

There was a fridge down there and I was like, "Wow, you're so prepared for a disaster! How long is the food in there going to last us?" And the girl opened the fridge & said, "Uh.. I've only got 2 TV dinners in here."
So much for a bomb shelter!

That's all I remember for now...

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Irritating superstitions.

So... most superstitions are just silly things that don't normally happen... like, don't walk under a ladder. How often is there actually a propped up ladder to walk under, anyway?

But there's one superstition that my mother recently introduced me to (yes, all my neurotic superstitions are inherited family traits) that I run into EVERY DAMN WEEK.

It is bad luck to sew on Sundays.

I would be much better off if I had never heard of this, because ALL my sewing used to be done on Sundays. Sunday is ALWAYS the day that I find myself sitting around going, "What should I be doing? Oh! I know, I'll sew." Sunday is the day I most typically have off.

And now, because of some bad juju, I'm afraid (yes, afraid) to sew on Sundays. Because don't I have ENOUGH bad luck? I can't just go around knowingly making it worse... what if something awful were to happen, and I had SEWN on that day? The Catholic Guilt (another inherited trait, I don't even consider myself Catholic) would eat me up inside.

The time has come for me to decide whether or not I'm going to let silly superstitions rule my life. I have sat idly by on many a Sunday with visions of dresses, purses and long, stripe-y gloves dancing in my head. I am getting NOTHING DONE. I must sew!

Are you ruled by superstitions? Have you had any odd coincidences that make you believe in them?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Good:

I'm wearing a size 8 (EIGHT!!) hand-me-down dress given to me by a good friend of mine.
The only thing it's tight on are my BOOBS. :D

The bad:

I haven't been able to afford cigarettes in about a week, and because of this I can already feel myself starting to pork up again.


Friday, October 16, 2009

Good, bad, and indifferent


I was just denied the chance to audition for a Beatles tribute band because I'm female.

(I realize I should have probably seen this one coming, but I can sing Beatles songs fairly well & I was blinded by excitement.)


A girl I graduated high school with might have a full time job for Jay!!!

& I start training for the photo studio job on Monday :D

The Indifferent:

...I guess there isn't any right now...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

"Agents for the rest of us."

I think there should be Agents for normal people, not just stars.

For example, my agent would be:

-keeping track of my homework & reminding me of when things are due
-acting as a secretary for all these stupid bills
-scheduling all major doctor, dentist and eye appointments, and making sure the appropriate insurance cards get charged (don't even get me STARTED on this one right now. Let's just say I owe my MD $500 for something that insurance should have paid.)
-finding me new jobs and assuring they fit into my schedule
-scheduling me to appear at social events and insuring I look perfect

Also, a publicist would be good to make the stupid shit that comes out of my mouth sound tactful for once.

I would also love someone on call to give me a manicure, pedicure, and eyebrow wax. (I have gone without these for months & it's getting a bit scary.)

And, hell. An assistant who made sure I had a Caramel Macchiato every morning would really be the best.

What would your agent/assistant/publicist be doing?

Monday, October 12, 2009

& the family keeps growing

So my cousin's wedding was this weekend. I was a little nervous about it, seeing as at my LAST family event (not counting funerals...) I was a little bit harassed by people saying, "Oh, you're next." and basically putting unfair pressure on me to pop out babies/get married.

Luckily, I didn't hear any of that this time! It was a very low-key event. I brought Jay to it, and he was bored senseless during the beginning when he was forced to hang out with the older part of my family & my other cousin's twin babies.

After a while, he broke free & we hung out with some people more our age, which was fun. They invited us back to a bonfire at their house afterward, which we went to & had fun at. It seems that this marriage has allotted me three new cousins, all of which seem pretty cool (AND are closer to my age then my other cousins!).

This week, unfortunately Jay & I are headed to a funeral for a good friend of his. It's a very tragic story and the guy was very young... it's going to be a difficult funeral.

That's all I have for news at the moment! But hopefully I'll be updating about GOOD news on the job front very soon :)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Open Mic Night

So today, I unexpectedly got out of class early and ended up going to the Coffeehouse, which is a great little poetry & open mic night that's set up by my favorite.teacher.ever.

I texted Jay to come by, and he did-- with a piece he wanted to read. I said I wanted to read but wasn't sure what I should share... all I could think of off of my head was Times Square, 2011. So I rushed to the computer lab & printed it out, and read it. :)

So Jay & I both read at the open mic part of the night, and it went over really well. I'm still excited about it... it was the first time I'd ever done anything like that!

The strangest part was... there was a girl in the audience who is friends with the guy who inspired Times Square, 2011. I don't know if she recognized me, or if the thought even crossed her mind, but it was definitely interesting to read it in front of her.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Bucket list recap

So, some time ago I wrote up my "Bucket List". (see this post.)

Oddly enough, I seem to have left something out of the list-- BUT, I did it today, so I can write it in and scratch it off all at once.

I rode an elephant!

Pictures to prove it will come soon, my friends took some but I don't have them yet :)

How are you all doing on YOUR bucket lists?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Step One In Realizing The Dream:

Jay & I were talking today, and I threw out an idea.
I phrased it in a silly way, and mostly made a joke out of it, but it's really something I'd like to do.

Just... up and leave. Go to were the jobs are. Explore places. Rent out a room, stay for only a little while. Live out of a suitcase. (It's already half packed.)

He asked my why I don't do this... and the only answer I have is...


If I knew that I could go somewhere and find work... even just odd jobs on the side... and it would be enough to feed me & maybe even keep me in a youth hostel for a month, I would do it. I would be gone. I'd be sending you all exotic post cards, meeting fabulous people.

I've always talked about the "Couch Tour of America". I have people in Florida, London, Boston, New York, California (& maybe others I can't think of off the top of my head) that I could crash with for a week or more.

But... I have $6,000 in debt that will not just "go away" or even "wait for me" while I go on a traveling spree. Nope. If I don't make those payments?

They'll double. And triple. And the APR (that is already teetering on a whopping 29%!) will double. And triple.

And I'll come home to what essentially will be a MORTGAGE.

Sooo... we hold off on living the dream for awhile.

I seriously need to win the lottery or something.