Saturday, November 28, 2009

Giving thanks

I'm jumping on the Thanksgiving band wagon, here.

Things I am thankful for:
  • Having understanding landlords, a roof over my head, a car to drive and food to eat, after what was a very financially trying year.
  • Jay getting a new job that pays him well, gives him full-time hours, and seems to be downright enjoyable for him.
  • Stef beating cancer! :)
  • Danielle moving back to the area.
  • Having Edwina as a teacher, and being inspired to write all over again
  • Getting the opportunity to finally work for a portrait studio
  • School being free... and me, almost being done with it!
  • My math teacher... for helping me get a B+ for the first time ever.
  • My employers, for finally not blindly using favoritism. And for buying coffee the last two times I've been at work.
  • Fate. For... y'know, just being... fateful.
Things I am NOT thankful for:

  • Collection agencies and credit card companies.
  • My computer teacher. He's unforgivably rude, but thinks he's funny.
  • People who don't return phone calls/emails.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Message in a bottle....

12 days ago, I threw out a message in a bottle.

I told fate, "Go ahead and do what you will. If it's not meant to be, I get it, I'll move on."

Today, fate intervened.

I'm still flabbergasted.

(That's all I'm going to say on the matter for now.)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Today's thoughts.

I don't like to censor my blog.

But in this case, it seems I have to... at least until things blow over at work.

So I will leave you with the words of Kid Rock:

"You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve."

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Things my boss should have told me in training.

Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy working alone, as I'm able to operate effectively and I really am more confident and comfortable when there isn't someone breathing down my neck.

That being said, I was skeptical about this new job when the boss spend about 6 days training us (most of this time was spent doing computer modules) and then let us run the studio by ourselves.

I took very diligent notes during my training, figuring that I would need them later.

Here are things that I have NOT been taught, that keep coming up.

-I was told by a co-worker that my boss wanted me to vacuum tonight. No problem. Co-worker then left speedily. As I was performing the closing duties, I looked around for the vacuum and there wasn't one. Only a steam cleaner for the backdrops.

-We're never updated as to when the sales start/end. I sometimes come in to an empty studio and work alone all night, with absolutely no knowledge of what our current 'specials' are. I was asked by three different people today when certain sales end, & I couldn't give them a definite answer.

-The employees only room? The one I need to go into and drop off the key every night? My boss told me that there wasn't a code for the door. Which was great... until I found myself locked out. There is most definitely a code.

-When putting away the camera one day, I asked a co-worker where the lens cap was. She told me there wasn't one. I asked her if she was sure, telling her that it seemed strange. She assured me there wasn't one. Today I was told "make sure you're putting the lens cap on the camera...a few people who close haven't been doing it." *sigh*

-Why do I give you my schedule if you just continue to put me on for hours I'm working at my other job? I don't get it.

-I discovered today that not only do I not have the ability to transfer calls that have come to me in error, but I also don't have the actual MAIN store phone number written anywhere. So if someone calls me saying "Oh, I thought this was the number for the front store", I can't assist them by giving them the correct number.

-I have still not been trained on using the passport camera, nor do I know how prices run. I've had to turn away 2 separate families who needed passport pictures (no one else knows how to do them, either, only the manager.)

-I had to call the help desk on my own and figure out how to cancel a sale that was rung through mistakenly. (That was a total shot in the dark, but luckily it worked out!)

All and all, I love what I'm doing and the chance for creativity that my job gives me. I really love seeing the finish product, and the whole thing is a lot of fun. But the feeling that I don't have the required training to do my job WELL is aggravating. I hate having to shrug and say, "Sorry, I'm new... but the manager will be in tomorrow & she can answer your question."

Friday, November 20, 2009

Tonight's Coffeehouse

I read at the coffeehouse tonight, and it went very well. (Although why they insist on serving only Decaf, I will never understand!) I wish there were more poetry nights I could get involved in... it's so nice to hear the little approving murmur of the crowd after I finish speaking.

I read Times Square 2011 (again, I know. It remains my favorite!) and a quick but beautiful piece that I had found while going through my notebooks at my mom's house. I apparently wrote it in 2002, but I was shocked with it's depth when I read it over again.

I'm gathering bits and pieces for a possible chap-book publishing soon. I'm very excited at the possibility and hope it works out. My passion for writing has been rekindled with a vengeance lately. (Thank you, Edwina!)

I'm off to bed now... I have 2 long days of work ahead of me, and a day of baby sitting for the cutest little boy. I'm both excited and a little nervous about that, seeing as I haven't baby sat in years.

Goodnight everyone!

Sunday, November 15, 2009


It's amazing all the shit that I've managed to gather up in the 25 years of my life.

I was at my mom's house earlier today with some friends and found so much stuff I didn't even know I still had... letters, photos (we found my old photo book from all my dark room work in my first year of college!)... it was insane.

I've been trying to organize ALL of my writing in a neat and reasonable way... but damn, it's hard. I have an entire toybox filled with old notebooks and scraps of paper... and today we found a HUGE cardboard box full of more notebooks/scraps of paper that I didn't even know existed.

I was able to fill up one three ring binder with my "early" works. (Read: stories about my teddy bear, that eventually progressed to stories about actual people...! Watching my handwriting "grow up" was really cool.) There are still tons of notebooks left. Ugh, what a project.

But, some things never change. Out of everything I found, only 3 or 4 stories that were actually completed. The rest start off strong with good ideas, but then were just abandoned! No conclusion, or even any hasty notes scribbled down to remind me WHERE I WAS GOING with the story. Auuuugh.

I've been toying with the idea of compiling EVERYTHING and using a service like lulu to publish... for no reason besides I'd like to minimize my clutter, and having everything bound into one book would be perfect. (And I also love that lulu keeps your book in it's marketplace, so that if I ever misplaced my book, or godforbid there was a fire or something, I could simply order another one.)

My one fear is that there's something in lulu's fine print. If I publish through them for my own piece of mind, and then want to publish one of those works through another company... would I be able to? Is there some clause in the contract stating that I would be bound to them?

I don't have much of a legal brain when it comes to contracts, and for this reason alone, I've held off.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Old conversations.

I've been going through my old livejournal lately, out of boredom I guess.

I used to use my livejournal for everything. I'd privatize links and notes to myself, and I updated like crazy... sometimes up to 10 times a day.

I'd save old conversations sometimes, if they made me laugh or made me think... and I've found quite a few between an old flame and myself. To be honest, it's amusing and painful at the same time. I miss the way he made me feel.

I went for a long time without thinking about him, but all of a sudden he won't leave my mind. Sometimes I want to contact him and demand some answers... ask him what he was thinking, that year he spent with me, unconfined by an official "title". Ask him if I ever meant anything to him... because he sure as hell meant a lot to me. I was terrified to admit it at the time, but I loved him.

He got back with his ex a mere 6 days after he spent the night in my bed. After telling me that he didn't believe in relationships at this stage of his life. After crying as he 'dumped' me.

I will never understand it. I mean... "he's just not that into you" makes sense... but what I felt between us was intense. I can't imagine he just... didn't feel it.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

*phew* that's over with!

Today I worked my second shift alone at the portrait studio.

(Last night, I worked alone as well, but it was very low-key and I had everything under control.)

Today, I had two sits within 40 minutes of each other, which meant I had to be on top of everything! It was nerve wracking at points (like, when I couldn't figure out why a coupon code wasn't working, couldn't find the sales log, and then processed a separate sale before remembering to put a coupon code in)

I managed to get through the whole thing with only calling my boss once (to guide me when the coupon wasn't working) the help desk once (to cancel the first sale with the incorrect total) and a co-worker once (to find out where the damn sales log was!)

The pictures came out really well, and posing them wasn't as terribly hard as I had feared. People are open to suggestion, and also like coming up with ideas of their own. Plus, these are their children you're photographing. As long as the kids are smiling, not blinking, and you didn't chop off the top of their heads-- they're pretty much going to love the photo.

Everyone was very nice and understanding about everything, and all in all, it wasn't as horrible as I had feared. (Although I'll admit there were times that I was definitely sweating!)

Now that I know I can manage all this on my own, I'm sure to be more confident next time.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Another weird dream...

Last night, I had a very odd dream that left me very unsettled for most of the day.

I don't remember all of it, so I will try to explain the specific feelings it gave me, more then the plot.

I was living in a city, around the same age I am now (or maybe slightly older) and I had just met a new circle of friends. We all lived in a big warehouse that also had a club in it. It was very different then my normal life AND my normal social circle. I was very close with all these people and there was an overwhelming feeling of kindness and trust that exuded from all of them. I get the impression that we were all party animals, and we were all more likely to be found in the club more often then in our upstairs apartments.

During one part of the dream, we were all sitting cross-legged in a circle on the floor of the club, and someone was passing around little black pills. We all took one without asking what it was, and after we had put them in our mouths, the person passing them out informed us they were "black acid" pills. A few of my friends looked at me in concern and told me that I had better spit it out, and they watched me wide-eyed to see what affect it was going to have on me. I had sucked the outer coating off of the pill, and spit it out. I was already feeling the effects, and told them not to worry-- that it was a similar high to being stoned but without the paranoia. I was fine, and felt good, only things were moving a little slower then usual...

During the next part of this dream, I met a guy. I don't really remember what he looks like, but do remember he was attractive and slightly older. He and I spent the night hanging out, and although I don't remember what we did, I remember the feeling of being with him was so amazing. We were laughing and talking, and everything just felt... right. I felt safe, and content, and I completely trusted this guy even though I had only just met him. It felt incredible. It was that giddy, light-hearted feeling that you get from a first date that goes well, only so much more then that.

(honestly, this reminds me a little bit of how it felt meeting Zach... buttt that's another story.)

This guy felt the same way about me. I don't remember anything about our conversation except for us deciding to 'prolong the magic' (lol) and not have sex, or label ourselves, or anything of that nature. We parted ways with plans to meet up again soon, and we went home with our heads in the clouds.

Now, this part becomes like a movie, as it's no longer from my point of view.

He's on his way home, driving a motorcycle through the city. It's dark, but the streets are well lit (pretty sure this was NYC.) and he's beaming as he drives. He is following behind a bus, when the bus suddenly slams on it's breaks.

He drives THROUGH the bus (think... Ghost. where Patrick Swayze can jump through trains.) and ends up in front of it.

He turns around, and hears a commotion... and sees himself dead, behind the bus. (Also, think Ghost.)

And then I woke up.

I have absolutely no idea what this dream means, but it left me very sad today.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Good only:

  • Jay started a new job today, & he's making more then we expected he would.
  • The dishes are clean
  • I finally got around to hard-boiling more eggs
  • The $30 purse I've had my eye on forever was knocked down to $19. I bought it :)
  • My raise at the pharmacy finally went through!
  • People in class liked my latest poem.
  • I upgraded my old phone to a Blackberry, and it's amaaaazing. It took me a little while to get used to it, and I was panicked that I was going to have to return it... but I stuck with it, and although texting is still annoying at times, I love it.
  • I'm getting a B+ so far in my math class!

(Why does my spell check not recognize the word 'texting'? Get with the times, spell check!)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Gripes Only:

-I spent $150 on a mattress and bedframe that wouldn't hurt your back, after spending $150 originally on a mattress and bedframe for "us". When I come home from work to find you sleeping on the couch... I'm going to be a little irritated. Not to mention, people sweat when they sleep. It's a lot easier to wash sheets then it is to clean an entire couch.

-I can't wait til everyone knows the truth about you.

-You ask me if there's a problem because I have a second job and I've been switching my schedule around. You ask me (for the second time) if I "want to work [there]". Well GEE. If you didn't boot me down to part time, schedule me only between 5-15 hours a week, AND take away all my benefits and vacation time, I wouldn't NEED another job.

-Did I mention that one of our employees is moving to another store, and they somehow feel that it is wise to HIRE SOMEONE ELSE??? When they can't afford to give us hours as it is? Ridiculous.

-I would like whatever computer system my debts are kept on to just... explode. Kablooey. Clean slate. Please.