Sunday, September 26, 2010

You never know.

I'll admit, in addition to being pissed (like my two most recent blog posts have pointed out) I've also been depressed lately.

Things are not looking good when it comes to me getting to NYC. I still have to save about $1,200 for admission and dorm fees, and I never have anything left over from my paychecks. Not to mention, my credit still sucks and without it, it is impossible for me to get student loans. And I need them. This school is expensive.

We have an art show this weekend, and to prepare I've been going through old photos on my flickr account. I came across some of my ex-fiance, and for reasons I can't quite figure out, they really upset me.

I thought I had my life in order back then. Sure, I was young--but I had found the man I was going to marry, and I was happy. I didn't need much else. I knew exactly how my life would work out.

But, as it turns out, you can't plan things.

And as much as I feel "in love with" New York City, I know that financially it may not happen. It hurts to admit it and to write it, and for a short time my brain was set on "NYC or suicide", which I know is ridiculous.

I had to find another option, just in case this doesn't work out. Something cheaper, but still good.

I've found two. A university near me offers degrees in puppeteering. While I've never even tried this (yet), I know it would be an important step when it comes to working in children's television. Auditions for the program are in December, and it's very competitive (I believe they said only 10-20 students are allowed in every year) but I figured I'll give it a shot. It's bound to be loads cheaper, and the commute would be easy.

There's also a low-residency program (which means you attend classes on campus for a two week period and then you do the rest of your work from home!) at Goddard College in Vermont. The course is creative writing, and I sent out for information yesterday. It, also, is loads cheaper.

I'll apply for those and see what happens when it comes to financial aid. Maybe I can get a really cheap ride. Although I really, REALLY want to go to NYC (and even have already become facebook friends with about 10 kids in my graduating class!) I might just have to admit that it's not possible.

I'll still continue to do what I can to save. If I can get to NYC, it will be a huge accomplishment. If I get into the other colleges, I will not be as satisfied.

But, as I said, you can't exactly plan things.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Rolling downhill

I am having an unbelievably shitty day.

Please forgive two negative posts in a row.

On Wednesday, I was supposed to be getting my wisdom teeth out. Now, I wasn't exactly looking forward to this (I've never had surgery before and I was very scared) BUT I realize it has to be done. My wisdom teeth are quite literally rotting and it's affecting my breath (I can't remember the last time I didn't have bad breath) and they're also starting to rot the surrounding teeth.

I was sort of excited about having a total of five or six days to veg on the couch, all doped up and recovering. I envisioned 30 Rock becoming even MORE hysterical while on Percocet.

Today they called to remind me of my appointment. And they "reminded me" to bring $900 for the up-front payment.

Say WHAT? They told me that I was responsible for 25% of the full amount...which is more like $200 (which I HAD).

So, now I've canceled my surgery. Which means I've been paying for dental insurance for no reason, seeing as I'm not going to use it this year.

I am really pissed off. And sure, you might say, "Well, just save the $900. It's not that hard."

Except, it is.

I am paid bi-weekly on Fridays. By Friday night? All the money is gone. I don't get to keep ANY of my paycheck, at all. Not to mention that I'm still trying to save $1,800 for college next fall and around the same amount for a Macbook Pro FOR college.

And it's not that I'm not a hard worker, either. You'd be hard pressed to find a time where I wasn't working at least two jobs, sometimes three. (Right now is no exception. My art and writing aside, I'm still working two jobs and doing an internship.)

And they're decent jobs,'s just...between the insurance and the taxes, the every day bills, the credit card bills and the OLD bills...I just can't make shit work.

(And I make 'too much' for welfare, because they do NOT take all of your bills into account! Just electric, not even telephone, which is pretty much a necessity.)

Today it hit me that I might not ever make it. With all this shit piled up, it just may never happen.

I don't know what I'm going to do if that day comes. As it is, it's not looking pretty.

My whole life my mother has been saying, "Just wait a year, we'll have more money next year." And I've even done it to myself, saying, "This is a better job, I'll make more money." And now, "This is a cheaper apartment, this will make it easy for me to save."

But it just never seems to happen.

Something's gotta give.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


I'm angry, and whiny, and negative. You may want to skip this and await happier posts.

I'm getting really aggravated that people just convienently forget about me.

If every SINGLE year I ask you, "Are you going to do [this thing that used to be a really fun yearly event that I would drive 100 miles to go to] this year?" And for whatever reason, you haven't done it for the past two or three years...

WHY would you not think to invite me when you finally do it again?!

I know it sounds dramatic, but I have 406 facebook friends and probably only six who seem to give a shit about me. And that number is rapidly decreasing. I don't know if this is a by product of getting older, or if I've somehow driven people away, but the little kid inside me wants to stomp my foot and throw a tantrum.

I'm trying to literally pinpoint it..."Why would these people decide I'm not worth their time anymore?" But I just don't get it.

It's not just this, either. I'm continuously finding out that people are 'in the area' after the fact. I don't know about you readers, but whenever I go to NYC, I email my friend who lives in Brooklyn so that she knows. We discuss schedules (and they've never synced up, yet) and keep an OPEN DIALOGUE.

I think I'd even just appreciate something like, "Hey, we're going to be [in town], but we have so much to do that I don't think we'll be able to meet up."

But it's like I don't even exist to them anymore. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but it's starting to pile up and I'm starting to really resent them for it.

I tried to tactfully bring up how I felt once, and while they pretended to understand they then gossiped about me behind my back.

I can't wait til I'm in New York City. I need to make some new friends who may actually give a shit.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Constant Writer

So, I saw that movie A Constant Gardener a while back. And the way that you can absolutely tell that I don't care for a movie is that I don't remember ANYTHING about it, except for the title and maybe who was in it. (Ralph Fiennes? I think? That's definitely spelled wrong, but see, that's the point.)

A Constant Gardener was one of those movies.

Anyway. I am a constant writer. I'm 26 years old and I honestly must have gone through at least three five subject notebooks, if not more, every YEAR, for nearly every year of my life.

(And I'm not exaggerating, either. Sure, I wasn't filling these puppies up when I was ages 1-4, but I'm pretty sure I started filling them up at 5. You should read this shit...I mean, awesomely creative short stories about my teddy bear.)

I am very glad to have all this writing. It's amusing, and at times I find pieces that I can go over, re-work and even submit to magazines.

But OH MY GOD. Seriously, every time that I turn around there's another NOTEBOOK. Today I've gone through 20, just trying to see if I can throw anything OUT. I threw out ONE.

My big (huge) project now is to condense all this writing as much as possible. This is NOT going to be easy, especially with an 11 week old kitten who likes to attack my fingers as I type, sit on the keyboard and chase the mouse pointer about the screen. I may end up just hauling my butt to my college (which I'm not currently attending, but hopefully they won't mind...) computer lab and typing my buns off there.

They also have a photo scanner, which will be useful when it comes to my HUGE BOX of photos. (My second obsession after writing.)

I don't foresee this problem getting any better, however. I have to fight the urge to stop at Barnes and Noble for a new notebook and a latte EVERY DAY after work.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Productive day

Today I had two meetings, one regarding a new internship and one regarding starting a television program.

I also got permission from a children's performer to use his songs at no charge in exchange for exposure.

I'm closing out the night watching Nip/Tuck and applying for college scholarships.

Now all I need is to GET some scholarships (not to mention some grants for programming) and I'll be all set.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


(Due to the abnormal amount of spam tI have gotten, I am disabling the comment section for this post only.)

So as I sat in the allergist's office yesterday, I found myself pretty damn glad I have health insurance.

Because I mean, let's face it. I'm still young, so I'm fairly healthy. I quit smoking and I eat (somewhat) well. (Working on it, always working on it!) I don't really "need" doctors. And for the most part, they're full of shit. I've seen apple cider vinegar and a neti pot (not together, mind you) work wonders many more times than medication has.

But when I shelled out $15 for a check up and the woman behind me shelled out $25, I was pretty glad to have good insurance. Seeing as I've been unable to afford a HEPA filter or find anything holistic for my asthma/cat allergy as of yet.

They gave me some inhalers and the recommendation that I wash my kitten weekly, get allergy-free bedding (because surprise, I'm also VERY allergic to dust) and a HEPA filter. The inhalers have steroids in them so they work on my asthma and my allergy at the same time. So far I am slightly less miserable, so, yay.

Not much else is new, as my horrid allergies have literally been rendering me...well, lazy. (Don't underestimate the power of oxygen! When you're getting just a LITTLE less than usual, all you want to do is lounge around and watch TV. When you drive home all amped to work on your writing or clean your house or cook a gourmet dinner, and then you enter your home and suddenly lose all motivation? Well, I mean, in my case, it's definitely the lack of oxygen.)

I have, unfortunately, discovered a rather large downside to this town. Almost EVERYTHING of any interest to me closes at 3 PM! This sucks, as I am (still) not a morning person. Today I had an errand to run-- the dreaded trip to the DMV. So I left the house at around noon and brought my laptop. I told myself that after this dreaded trip, I'd treat myself to a coffee at a nearby cafe and get some writing work done. (Which is not easy at home when there's a kitten who constantly tries to climb on the keyboard and attack my power cord.)

So I pull up at 3:30, errand finished, ready for my coffee...and the sign in the window informs me they close at 3:00.

Seriously? WHO closes at THREE? Even in Europe places close down around lunchtime but then reopen. And in such a cute little artsy town like mine, don't they realize that people require coffee after THREE?

Ugh. I wish there was a Starbucks here instead. THEY understand my needs and stay open until 10:00.