Wednesday, May 11, 2011

In which I am bummed, again. And use a lot of quotations.

I have to say.  If "good things come to those who wait", "everything happens for a reason", "this too shall pass" and there is a such thing as karma...

The universe has GOT to be gearing up to throw something REALLY AWESOME my way sometime soon.

I'm very tired, in the love department at least, of things not working out.  If I'm as awesome as everyone says I am, and I have all these amazing qualities that "will make someone happy one day", and if I'm "so beautiful and sweet [I] must have guys lining up", WHY does shit continue to be difficult and try my patience?

I'm not saying I'm perfect.  I know I'm not.  But I try really hard to be a good, honest person and do the right thing--for everyone--in every situation.  I work hard, have always worked hard, and while sure, like anyone else I can at times be bitchy and insecure...I still fail to see why it is I deserve...this.

And I know, I know.  I have a job and a car and an apartment and a cat and my best friend just moved home and I'm in school and blahblah.  These are all good things.

But I wear my heart on my sleeve throughout all this.  And I would just like to know when the universe is going to stop stomping on it and give me a break.  Honestly, universe.  I'm not asking for a lot.  I'm pretty easy to please.  You know that saying, "a woman in love could sleep on a board"?  That's me.

My entire month of April was amazing, and I am so grateful for that.  I learned a lot about myself, things I had forgotten.  I woke up.  But as Frank Sinatra says, "riding high in April, shot down in May", and it was true for me this year.  I had the "ignorance is bliss" rug yanked out from under me.

And it's all so crazy and sometimes I really just cry and think, "this was never supposed to happen to me".  At 19 I thought I had all this shit figured out, you know?  I had found the person I loved (and looking back, even though I know that our relationship had it's faults, I can say with all honesty that we were REALLY in love with each other) and we had our wedding planned.  I thought everything was sorted out.

And nearly 10 years later I feel more lost than ever before.

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