Tuesday, September 13, 2011

If my job were a relationship.


Me:  Best Buy, we need to talk.
Best Buy:  Uh oh.
Me:  This thing we've got going on here?  It just doesn't seem to be working out.  I mean, it was fun while it lasted, but, lately it's just been more trouble than it's worth.  I mean, be honest with me.  Are you happy?  Because I'm not.
Best Buy: No, I guess I'm not happy either.
Me:  Good.  You see?  I mean, lately you've been giving me all kinds of mixed messages: 'order product', 'no, you aren't allowed to order product', 'shelve The Big Bang Theory', 'no, actually, that Big Bang Theory has the wrong SKU.  Hold it in the back room'.  And when I need you--like, really, really need you--you don't even bother to return my calls.
Best Buy:  I'm sorry.  I've been experiencing increased call volume.
Me:  And even when you do call me back, you answer my questions wrong.  Or don't even answer them at all.  You just aren't listening to me anymore.
Best Buy:  You know, I know what would fix this.  We could bring in another person...
Me:  No.  Stop.  Didn't you see Chasing Amy?  Threesomes never fix anything, they only make things worse.  How am I supposed to show someone what you like when I can't even make you happy myself?
Best Buy:  But then there wouldn't be so much pressure on you.
Me:  Best Buy, you aren't listening.  I'm already getting it from every direction.  I know you talk badly about me to your friends, I've overheard it.  And you know what?  That's fine.  I understand you need to vent.  But they're making this hard for me, too.  When I put something away, they move it.  When I throw something out, they dig it out of the trash.  They're working against me, not with me.  Any new person we brought in would be doing the same thing.  It's not going to help.  I think maybe we should take a break.
Best Buy: [scoffs] A break.  Right.  No one ever really 'takes a break'.
Me:  I'm sorry.  I've tried, really.  But I can't keep doing this.
Best Buy:  You won't go.  You can't.  You need me too much.
Me: [long hesitation]  Look.  I didn't want it to be like this, but...I've been talking to some people.
Best Buy:  You've what? Who? What's his name?!
Me:  It's nothing like that.  I mean, not yet anyway.  I don't know what will happen, but I just thought you should know up front.
Best Buy: [angry silence]
Me:  Look, it's not you, it's me...oh God, I've always hated that line.  It's such a crock of shit.  It IS me, okay?  I know I deserve better than this.  I'm sorry.  It's the harsh reality of it all.  You've treated me like this for too long.
Best Buy:  It's only been two months!  Please, I can change.
Me:  It's been two months too long.  Ugh.
Best Buy:  [Silence, pleading eyes.]
Me:  This has been sufficiently awkward.  I'll sleep on the couch from now on.
Best Buy:  But...
Me:  Look, I'll be out of your way as soon as I can.  But I don't want to talk about it anymore.

(In real life, my break up conversations sound absolutely nothing like this.  They usually begin with, "Oh my God, I'm going to throw up."  I am nothing if not overly dramatic at times.  But no, seriously I really do get nauseous when people break up with me!)

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