Monday, May 30, 2011

Hi, hi, hi there....

So, as it turns out I hadn't actually blogged about this yet (which is weird, as we all know I blog about everything!) but my best friend Lauren is home from Germany!  Which means...I have a social life again, hurray!

(Me, Mary, Lauren, after a night of enjoying some fab sushi and watching Yo Gabba Gabba.)

This explains the almost total blog-abandonment.  Sorry, readers.  When you're without your best friend for six years, ya gotta make up for lost time :)  Our nights have been mostly spent driving aimlessly, telling stories, singing loudly along with whatever comes on my iPod, smoking cigarettes (yeah, I've picked up the habit again...shame on me, I know) and grabbing the cheapest dinner we can find.

I've also been looking for new jobs, which is a long story but can be basically summed up as...my current job will be dropping us down to minimum wage starting June 6th.  Which maybe I could handle, except for the fact that I have an hour commute each way every day (hello, have you seen these gas prices?), have to pay around $40 a month for parking, and my car lease is up around January/February.  I've found some jobs that seem to be really good fits, so I'm hopeful.  We'll see.

I'm also trudging my way through packet work for school, working on packet number three right now.  I can't believe I'm already about halfway through the semester!  Time has certainly been flying, and unfortunately I'm still not exactly adjusted to the schedule.  As they say, "it's a process"!

All for now.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

You and I. We're just bittersweet.

So, a little while ago I had this someone.

I didn't have him long enough for him to really be called anything, not really, just a someone.  But still, he was influential to me in a big way.  Made me realize and value a lot about myself.  Made me see how I deserved to be treated.  This was all mostly good, except how he went away, which of course hurt.  Was slightly expected, but hurt all the same...hurt us both, because we all get our hopes up, don't we?  Even in the face of adversity.

But I look back on him fondly, if with a bit of sadness for what might have been.

I heard from him today for the first time in a while, and he said what was maybe the most honest breakdown of the situation I've heard from him yet, and the thing I really need to take away from this all:

"I didn't expect to meet you.  I wanted to be, but I wasn't ready."

It might not sound like much, but that statement turned out to be pretty important to me.  Part of me suspected he wasn't ready, but needed that confirmation.  And the fact that he "wanted to be" ready is complimentary enough for me to be able to take something positive away from the whole mess.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

In which I am bummed, again. And use a lot of quotations.

I have to say.  If "good things come to those who wait", "everything happens for a reason", "this too shall pass" and there is a such thing as karma...

The universe has GOT to be gearing up to throw something REALLY AWESOME my way sometime soon.

I'm very tired, in the love department at least, of things not working out.  If I'm as awesome as everyone says I am, and I have all these amazing qualities that "will make someone happy one day", and if I'm "so beautiful and sweet [I] must have guys lining up", WHY does shit continue to be difficult and try my patience?

I'm not saying I'm perfect.  I know I'm not.  But I try really hard to be a good, honest person and do the right thing--for everyone--in every situation.  I work hard, have always worked hard, and while sure, like anyone else I can at times be bitchy and insecure...I still fail to see why it is I deserve...this.

And I know, I know.  I have a job and a car and an apartment and a cat and my best friend just moved home and I'm in school and blahblah.  These are all good things.

But I wear my heart on my sleeve throughout all this.  And I would just like to know when the universe is going to stop stomping on it and give me a break.  Honestly, universe.  I'm not asking for a lot.  I'm pretty easy to please.  You know that saying, "a woman in love could sleep on a board"?  That's me.

My entire month of April was amazing, and I am so grateful for that.  I learned a lot about myself, things I had forgotten.  I woke up.  But as Frank Sinatra says, "riding high in April, shot down in May", and it was true for me this year.  I had the "ignorance is bliss" rug yanked out from under me.

And it's all so crazy and sometimes I really just cry and think, "this was never supposed to happen to me".  At 19 I thought I had all this shit figured out, you know?  I had found the person I loved (and looking back, even though I know that our relationship had it's faults, I can say with all honesty that we were REALLY in love with each other) and we had our wedding planned.  I thought everything was sorted out.

And nearly 10 years later I feel more lost than ever before.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

In which I sound a little crazy.

What are the karmatic implications of owning a house pet? (and furthermore, why is "karmatic" not a word?)

This just struck me today as I was listening to "Major Tom (Coming Home)" by Peter Schilling.  (This is not the song my cat Major Tom is named after, however.  I am quite loyal to David Bowie.)  The line, "Give my wife my love" of course made me think of my cat singing to his cat-wife.  (Because I am slightly nuts.)

And then it occurred to me.

He will never get outdoors (if I can help it) or meet another cat.  He will never have friends of the same species or experience romantic or physical love.

And why is this?  Because of me.  I am essentially keeping a (domesticated) prisoner.

What does this mean for my own love life?  For my own social life?  Are all pet owners dooming themselves to lonely and secluded lives?